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Being held back

 
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Jul 08 2020, 11:51 pm
I know I am making the right decision holding my son back, but I can't help thinking he will be 13 in 6th grade. Is that so terrible?
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amother




Lilac
 

Post  Wed, Jul 08 2020, 11:55 pm
No, the alternative of struggling for years because of being in a grade he's not ready for is much worse. He may be a bit more sensitive bar mitzvah year, or be the most exciting as the first one but before and after that it won't make a difference to anyone!!
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Rappel




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jul 08 2020, 11:56 pm
No. We had a girl in my grade whom was bat mitzvah a year early. Noone thought about it, other than "party!"
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Jul 08 2020, 11:57 pm
Thank you everyone! You just made me feel so much better!
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amother




Black
 

Post  Thu, Jul 09 2020, 12:22 am
I left my son back in nursery now he is going into second grade and he always brags how he’s the second to oldest in class Smile my Older son has a boy in his class who was left back and the boys are countin down the days until his early bar mitzva! They are going into sixth
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amother




Khaki
 

Post  Thu, Jul 09 2020, 1:11 am
We did it... I thought of the exact same thing (bar mitzvah..)
Principal told me there will always be a few boys in the (very large) school and he probably won’t be the only one...
In his class he’s the oldest. He just finished 1st grade. There must be another boy in a parallel class the same age.
For now he feels special that he’s the oldest. We make him feel very good about it. His classmates admire him for being the oldest.
Having the first bar mitzvah is not just “having a party “ first. It means being the first and only one wearing tefilin and davening with a jacket and hat.
I hope he’ll have enough confidence then to still feel proud.
I’ve seen children struggle to keep up academically and feel bad about themselves. I did not want my son to go through that. He’s keeping up very well and I feel that we made the right decision.
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amother




Orange
 

Post  Thu, Jul 09 2020, 1:42 am
It's called Redshirting in fancy expensive prep schools. It gives boys an advantage. It makes them the first so things are cool and exciting. It's awesome to have the first Bar-Mitzvah, everyone can't wait. If you are #42, nobody cares anymore and they just want their free time and life back. It makes them bigger and better at sports. More confident. Typically more mature. They are usually the ones who get monitor jobs.

I have a DC who is born the week before the cutoff. If she was a boy, I would have unquestionably retained. As a girl, I think it is way more complicated as we are already larger people and both my side and DHs sisters hit puberty earlier and you don't need a girl being over 5 feet and getting her period in 4th grade.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Jul 09 2020, 6:26 am
Thank you everyone! In our case, we moved last year and he was just not able to catch up with thd new material no matter how hard I tried working with him. He is 6 so it's better to do it now then later.
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amother




Goldenrod
 

Post  Thu, Jul 09 2020, 6:47 am
In my sons school in Westchester three kids were two years older than my son the parents did this on purpose my son was 13 in eighth grade and the shortest and smartest
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amother




Ruby
 

Post  Thu, Jul 09 2020, 2:30 pm
I think you made the right decision. I held my son back, and the older he gets the more I realize that it was absolutely the best thing for him. It is such an advantage for him to be one of the oldest. He grasps the academic material faster, and he is more mature socially/emotionally
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amother




Emerald
 

Post  Thu, Jul 09 2020, 2:37 pm
My son is still an infant but I’m worried because he’s right at the cutoff. I have a dd the same exact birthday but she is ok so far.
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amother




Teal
 

Post  Thu, Jul 09 2020, 4:42 pm
I was worried about letting my dd be held back. I know she might be embarrassed to be bas mitzva first....but in general, when she was younger, kids asked everyone how old you are...and yes, at some point, she may be embarrassed

And may think lower of herself that she had to be held back....BUT ITS WORSE TO HAVE HER STRUGGLE ACADEMICALLY ...my relative pointed this out...that if a child is struggling academically, then holding them back when they are younger will help them not be frustrated....because if the child is pushed ahead and cant keep up with the academics, s/he will feel frustrated and may give up or....and this will also cause low self esteem and other problems....

So, I held my child back, and it was a good decision.

Also, my youngest sister was held back in kindergarten also and as she got older, she did very well academically...if she was not held back, she may have struggled or given up....

(Something to realize is that all kids of the same age are put in the same grade, but some kids are a few months younger. Some kids need those extra few months to develop, but when they are measured against a child a few months older, they may struggle. This may be another reason to hold back.)
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amother




Seafoam
 

Post  Thu, Jul 09 2020, 4:51 pm
amother [ Orange ] wrote:


I have a DC who is born the week before the cutoff. If she was a boy, I would have unquestionably retained. As a girl, I think it is way more complicated as we are already larger people and both my side and DHs sisters hit puberty earlier and you don't need a girl being over 5 feet and getting her period in 4th grade.


I have a sister who is in her mid 30s and she is still upset about being left back for the reasons stated above. Yes, she was a little immature for her age when that decision was made but she caught up quickly and, looking back, would’ve been fine academically and socially in the grade above. She suffered from body image issues because she got her period early and was very tall.

Leaving children back a year is definitely the right decision for some, but too often people consider the short term (does an extra year when the kid is 4 or 5 really affect how well they’ll do academically in middle school?) and not the long term (how will that child feel when she’s bigger than everyone else in 3-5 grade?).
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Jul 09 2020, 5:11 pm
Op here. My son is actually the oldest of his class already. Thank you to all for the feedback.
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