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Dd not ok with sister's dr appointments

 
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amother




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Post  Thu, Jul 09 2020, 4:26 pm
My older dd has a lot of appointments this summer for some issues that are recent and need to be taken care of. She is only comfortable with me taking her, not dh; partly because I know more about it and partly because I am better at supporting her. Dh will take her anyway as needed for short drop offs and pickups, but if a parent needs to stay for support, that's me. Dh actually agrees that he doesn't know enough about what's happening, and the few times he has taken her, they end up calling me and keeping me on the phone for awhile.

Her sister is very upset. She hates when I'm not home to pick her up or drop her off, and especially when I'm not home for awhile, particularly when she gets back from camp. She has become very combative about this when the reason is her sister's appointment. She keeps asking why I couldn't go get her and dh go with dd, and why I'm always taking calls for her sister during her time with me.

What can I do? Rewards don't work for this- she feels her sister is taking something from her.
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mocha




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jul 09 2020, 4:29 pm
Make some time to spend with her alone
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amother




Yellow
 

Post  Thu, Jul 09 2020, 4:31 pm
Sounds like maybe the health issues with ur older one may be making her feel anxious and out of control? Have you talked to her about what is going on? Or am I off base?

Alternately, Is she generally a stickler for evenness and fairness? Or maybe it’s the lack of routine or predictability that’s undoing her?
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amother




Ecru
 

Post  Thu, Jul 09 2020, 4:31 pm
If it's possible, try to schedule appointments for when she's out of the house. Remember to be keen to her needs and give her attention so she doesn't feel that you're neglecting her. If possible, take her out just by herself for some alone time with you.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Jul 09 2020, 4:50 pm
Thanks. I have done all of that. She often will decide when our together time comes that it's not a good time for her (friends are actually available). But in general, she seems to need the security of me picking her up and being home when she arrives. The coming appointment, I am leaving soon after I drop her for camp. But it involves traveling and is long and I won't be back when she's done. It's a simple thing to want, but not always realistic.

The thing is that her sister also needs time with me that isn't about medical things. So dd feels she is getting short changed, because she doesn't have the obligation things that can't get moved for anything and her sister does. She wants time with me that is unmovable. But if the specialist gets a cancellation, sometimes our "Us" time gets moved. Not cancelled, but moved. We got this appointment only this week; it was scheduled for August, but we needed it sooner.
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Goldie613




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jul 09 2020, 5:16 pm
Welcome to life as a special needs/medically challenged mom :-(

The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to be VERY careful to make sure your other kids feel loved, supported, and not lost in the shuffle.

And yes, sometimes that means that if the specialist has a cancellation for three weeks earlier you turn it down, if you already have plans with another child (obviously this may not be possible if those three weeks can make a significant difference to the ill child's health).

Can you get someone else to get your other kids out in the morning, so you have a better chance of getting back home in time for them?

Maybe you and your daughter can set up a standard time slot - an "obligation" one - that neither of you will break? It doesn't have to be anything big or flashy, it can be the two of you going out on a Wednesday night a couple of times a month for pizza or mall browsing. We used to set up a weekly rotation, so each week was a different kid's turn to go out with one parent (yes, we had a separate rotation for dad-kid time, too). It meant that each kid knew that they had a turn coming up, even if they had to wait a few weeks for it. And yes, the "special" kid got a turn, too.

Good luck - it's a challenge, but there are other moms who have been there before, and I'm sure there are plenty on here who'd be glad to offer whatever advice they can.
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notshanarishona




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jul 09 2020, 5:21 pm
One of the best things I did was get a “big sister “ for my daughter. It is hard and everyone always wants Mommy but my priority has to be with my son’s medical needs . When a respite worker comes for my son I try to not just use that time for nessesitys but to also find time. I also try for alone time with her when possible. Sometimes I feel like their needs to be 3 of me.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Jul 09 2020, 6:59 pm
This dd does not want a big sister. She wants to be one. She had plans to go help someone out today so I scheduled a call with the doctor for during that time. It turns out the plans got changed, so she was home, and got very angry. I make plans, but sometimes they fall apart.

Yes, the extra month's difference makes a huge health difference. The doctor has been looking for a spot for us the whole time. She knew this was a possibility. What do you do when that special time for your kid is the time slot they offer doe your child's surgery? And if not, then a worse time, or a month later. And dd would not have done anything with me when I got home but say hi and go on the computer. But that's important to her.
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