How does one do a cheshbon hanefesh

amother

Sun, Jul 12 2020, 9:35 pm

I need to fix something in my life now- it's clear Hashem is sending me a message that He wants me to do better. Ideally everything, but I don't think it's humanly possible to change everything all at once. How do I decide what thing to work on first?
There are so many things that I need to improve!!!

#BestBubby

Sun, Jul 12 2020, 9:42 pm

First, Kol HaKovod for seeking to improve.

Tell your Rov what areas you think need improvement and ask for Advice on what area to
work on first. As you said you cannot work on too many things at one time.

Last edited by #BestBubby on Sun, Jul 12 2020, 9:45 pm; edited 2 times in total

crust

Sun, Jul 12 2020, 9:44 pm

Acceptance
Acceptance of yourself the way you are.
Acceptance of your situation.

That's hard work. Harder than taking on any other thing.

ShishKabob

Sun, Jul 12 2020, 9:45 pm

Kudos to you for going that route! Make a list of what you feel needs improvement. Be easy on yourself. Chose the easiest thing. When you have mastered that lets say give it three months, go onto the next thing. Hatzlocha Rabboh!

#BestBubby

Sun, Jul 12 2020, 9:46 pm

crust wrote:

Acceptance
Acceptance of yourself the way you are.
Acceptance of your situation.

That's hard work. Harder than taking on any other thing.

Respectfully, I don't think this is a Jewish attitude. We are always supposed to be
seeking to improve.

Of course, we should not demand perfection from ourselves and should give ourselves
credit for trying.

amother

Sun, Jul 12 2020, 9:48 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

My Rav said to choose something that needs a tikkun but did not offer to go through it with me and help me figure out specifically what. I do not feel comfortable asking him for further help, I feel anxious and as though I'm wasting his time.

amother

Sun, Jul 12 2020, 9:54 pm

crust wrote:

Acceptance
Acceptance of yourself the way you are.
Acceptance of your situation.

That's hard work. Harder than taking on any other thing.

I'm actually very accepting of my situation and extremely grateful to Hashem. I need to do a tikkun because He has been sending me a message.
If I had woken up earlier, perhaps He wouldn't have needed to send me this message!

I just need to focus on something.

#BestBubby

Sun, Jul 12 2020, 9:55 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Maybe ask a Rebbitzen? They are often more available and willing to give time.

crust

Sun, Jul 12 2020, 10:04 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

In Yiddish we say-
מען דארף זיך נישט פארנעמען מען דארף אננעמען.

(You don't have to take on something you have to accept Hashems will.)

Rav Avigdor Miller's seforim introduced this way of thinking to me so it is an absolute Jewish way of thinking.

Having said that,
OP I hope your situation gets better. I'm not sure Hashem works this way that if you would've done something he would've not done something.

Saying that we think that if we would've done x then z wouldn't happen is essentialy saying that we understand how He runs the world.

Whatever you do it should be something small and doable.

amother

Cerulean

Sun, Jul 12 2020, 10:54 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I’m having a hard time accepting what you posted here. How are you sure that the message was that you need a tikkun? I’m struggling with such thoughts as well due to my own circumstances. Does Hashem only punish because he wants something specific? Do you care to clarify what the message was that you got. If it’s too personal can you give a fictional example?

amother

Cerulean

Sun, Jul 12 2020, 11:30 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

I learned if one is facing a difficult situation, one should do teshuva I.e. make a kabbolah to improve in an area.

So any bad occurrence in a persons life is a message that we weren’t behaving properly according to this?

#BestBubby

Mon, Jul 13 2020, 1:43 am

amother [ Cerulean ] wrote:

So any bad occurrence in a persons life is a message that we weren’t behaving properly according to this?

Not necessarily. It could be a Nisayon (test). But one should seek to improve
as a zechus.

amother

Cyan

Mon, Jul 13 2020, 4:50 am

It's literally a gemara.

אמר רבא ואיתימא רב חסדא אם רואה אדם שיסורין באין עליו יפשפש במעשיו
'ברכות ה -

We need to teach more mussar in the schools.

ShishKabob

Mon, Jul 13 2020, 11:32 am

amother [ Cyan ] wrote:

It's not a contradiction. We need to accept what Hashem sends us and does for us AND we should also look to see why this has come upon us and see where we can improve. So, I think its a two pronged approach.

crust

Mon, Jul 13 2020, 11:36 am

amother [ Cyan ] wrote:

Reb Avigdor Miller is mussar.

Bubby6

Mon, Jul 13 2020, 7:28 pm

I have always been told to take one tiny thing to work on, for a set amount of time. For examplr from now til Rosh Hashanah. Don't take on too much as then it becomes impossible and overwhelming.

Ideas:
Tiny improvement in tznius
Bentsching from a bentscher
A page of shmiras halashon
An hour a day of watching what you say
A chapter of tehillim
Whatever talks to you

It's not a cheshbon hanefesh, but it will bring you closer to Hashem. If you are a good reader and have time, saying Shir Hashirim for 40 nights. Its a love song to God and can bring you closer.

I am impressed that you "want" to do something. That is already a big step.

amother

Beige

Mon, Jul 13 2020, 8:20 pm

crust wrote:

Acceptance
Acceptance of yourself the way you are.
Acceptance of your situation.

That's hard work. Harder than taking on any other thing.

Acceptance of the way you are sounds like the antithesis to acknowledging wrongdoing and doing teshuva like it sounds like op wants to do.