Do you cry easily?

amother

Sun, Jul 19 2020, 12:09 pm

nchr wrote:

You mean not being allowed to cry right or negative emotions? Not all feelings involve crying. Were you not allowed to express gratitude either? Just trying to figure out why people lump crying with all emotions.

I would get criticized and shamed and mocked anytime I cried. I saw other people (sibling, friends, etc.) cry and get validation and support, but somehow that option wasn’t available to me. I learned quickly that I didn’t have the same rights as other people, especially not emotionally.

Whereas tears felt vulnerable and weak, anger, WAS an acceptable alternative that felt “strong. I learned to channel sadness, shame, hurt and fear into fury. But sublimating emotions by expressing them in a way that went against what my body and mind needed didn’t resolve the feelings. Sometimes when I cry it’s because the younger parts inside me are finally getting a chance to express the hurt and pain they had to show as anger or “stuff down” from when I was growing up. Triggers that upset me and make me cry now can bring up tears that feel like they’ve been sitting, stagnant, inside me for over a decade. Does that make sense?

Gratitude and “happy” feelings were only okay sometimes, depending on who I was with.

amother

Sun, Jul 19 2020, 12:14 pm

amother [ Beige ] wrote:

Unless I'm at a funeral, I would be mortified if someone saw me cry. I feel like it makes me vulnerable, and people would think I'm a crybaby.

This resonates a lot with me as well. Although even at funerals I didn’t and don’t typically cry. The tears sometimes get triggered by a random stupid occurrence but when they come it’s a buildup of lots of pain and hurt that just never got to come out yet.

crust

Sun, Jul 19 2020, 1:12 pm

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

Ok everyone stop bullying. As long as she doesn’t yell or hit her child to make them stop crying who cares?
As a child and through high school I barely cried. Now I cry more. Usually it’s when I am getting tremendous pressure that makes me feel like I am not good enough or that there is no way I’ll succeed at whatever it is the person is pressuring me about. I guess self esteem issues. Or about nidda (but that is a hormonal time of month) Or if I get into an argument with DH.

I am an HSP but not sure it’s related to my crying. Speaking of which - I see there’s a lot of HSPs here - can anyone recommend any good books or practices or clips that tell you how to not let it ruin your life?

Ye best practice it to allow yourself to feel and to cry.

HSP doesn't ruin your life.
Not being in touch with your emotions does.

Btw not everyone cries when they are hormonal, not even HSPs.
People use hormonal as a reason to cry because they feel they need permission to cry and to feel and hormonal crying is internationally accepted.

BH Yom Yom

Sun, Jul 19 2020, 1:25 pm

crust wrote:

. People use hormonal as a reason to cry because they feel they need permission to cry and to feel and hormonal crying is internationally accepted.

So relate to this! Feeling like I need “permission” to cry and feeling embarrassed at being needy in that way.

Laiya

Sun, Jul 19 2020, 1:54 pm

nchr wrote:

I really disagree with this. It's as if this concept was made up to justify poor behavior or outbursts. Anger or any emotion dissipates when you don't focus on it or when you move on, except for something extremely disfunctional or abusive. Even if you're suppression theory was right why dont all the suppressed positive emotions also come out to counter the negative ones? I really don't think that sadness lr anxiety that is counteracted by doing something positive and productive instead of crying does anything more than disappear. Feelings you don't want are only there if you let them be there (unless there is something else at play which shouldn't be common).

I agree that emotions dissipate, but with the caveat that they are acknowledged first. Some people are able to think, That was frustrating!, take a few minutes, and then they're fine. Some people need to vent it out, cry, listen to music, etc.

But some people aren't even aware of their feelings, they think they moved on but 2 hours later, they're snapping at their kids or spouse and don't even realize that what they were feeling was frustration, shame, whatever.

PeanutMama

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 1:10 am

Zehava wrote:

I believe she means well. I believe she was raised with emotional neglect as well and learned to shut down from a very young age. But the fact is that raising a child like that is neglectful and abusive. They will grow up emotionally stunted and repressed just like her. They will struggle with an emptiness inside of them. They will struggle with attachment and relationships. So much pain can be avoided by simply holding space for our children.

Yep

dankbar

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 5:00 am

Sometimes if a kid cries over something what they really need is a hug, a kiss, validation & not solutions & then they are ok and can move on easily. ( even more so then when you try to find solutions for them)

Of course, kids who their feelings were never validated & once they start being validated the dam will burst & they might not be able stop so fast but once it becomes the norm that their feelings are validated on a regular basis, it will balance out.

Just naming their feelings & repeating what happened might give them solace. About solutions, sometimes after that, they will figure out solution to solve the problem on their own.

Let's say 5 yr old comes crying to mommy that 2 yr old tore her a & c, instead of saying don't be such a baby, it's only a paper or next time put your stuff away so she won't have access.....you can just say, oh! I am sorry, you are feeling sad that the baby tore your paper that you worked so hard on....you can give her a pat on her cheeks...and magic they will usually stop crying even if you didn't fix the problem.
If mom will say, will crying put the craft back together, the child will just feel that mom doesn't understand her feelings.
Later, after child calmed down, child might try to fix problem on own like tape it back together or for future. Maybe mom can explain later that if she puts it away, it won't happen in future but by that time they are usually fine & don't need that craft anymore....and are ok.