Hostile Neighbors | Imamother

amother

Sun, Jul 19 2020, 4:46 pm

Just moved and discovered we are lucky to live next door to some pretty hostile (non-Jewish) neighbors. They’ve been very vocal about their displeasure with the Jews moving in... we’ve been friendly but try to keep a low profile. But then they keep doing things (think walk across our lawn in a bikini to cut through to another neighbor) that leave us uncomfortable. They make it clear they aren’t interested in communicating, by being rude and curt to our overtures.
Any tips?! Anyone experienced this before and can give us some encouragement?

I don’t know how long I can last like this... Sad

amother

Sun, Jul 19 2020, 8:07 pm

QueensMama wrote:

Kill them with kindness. It's the only way.

Any ideas for how? And what?
Any smile, wave, attempts at conversation are met with rudeness at best and hostility and worst. Would love some practical ideas!

SixOfWands

Sun, Jul 19 2020, 8:08 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Good fences make good neighbors.

Put up a fence or a hedge so they can’t walk through your property if it bothers you. Be polite to them, but that’s it. You don’t need to try to befriend antisemites — and that’s what people who don’t want Jews to move in are — but you need to keep it civil.

Mazel tov in the new house.

lk1234

Sun, Jul 19 2020, 8:22 pm

Op - I had a similar situation. I used to think that it was my life's mission to make the non jewish neighbors like me. Almost all were welcoming and friendly. There was one that barely begrudged me a smile and I thought that I had to get them to like me. Of course over time I realized that is totally not necessary. It's my job to be cordial and neighborly. It's not my job to make them like me.

Take responsibility for what is in your control and let go of the need to have them like you. Having said that, they absolutely should not be walking across your lawn - but again - you don't want to turn this into an all out war. Putting up a fence is heading in that direction. You may need to just accept the fact that you have disrespectful, rude neighbors.

amother

Jetblack

Sun, Jul 19 2020, 8:31 pm

Honestly? I would ignore them and go about my life. It’s not your job to get them to like you. If they do something illegal, that’s a totally different story. But I would ignore them and pretend they don’t even exist. Focus on the people around you who are kind. Once they see you not focusing or giving them attention, they just may (hopefully) ignore you back.

Notsobusy

Sun, Jul 19 2020, 8:41 pm

They probably have no idea that walking across your lawn in a bikini is any more offensive than walking across in a tshirt and jeans.

And its possible whoever lived in your house before you let them use their lawn as a shortcut and theyre used to that.

Being rude and vocal about the Jews moving in is a whole different story of course.

amother

Sun, Jul 19 2020, 9:07 pm

Thanks for all the responses- the perspectives were very helpful!

We are considering putting up a fence or hedges... but not sure if that will stoke the resentment and if we even should care if it does.

amother

Jade

Sun, Jul 19 2020, 9:11 pm

I’ve had a similar experience. No rosy endings (yet) but I’d like to share what helped me. I tried to enter their mindset and feel what it must be like to have the neighborhood transformed by people who all seem to be friends, yet are so foreign to me. It’s not a good feeling to be displaced in your own neighborhood. Not to excuse rude behavior, but it’s easier to feel sorry for them as opposed to feeling upset with them, when you try to see things through their perspective.

amother

Sun, Jul 19 2020, 9:19 pm

amother [ Jade ] wrote:

Yes, this totally!! I say this all the time when people use the “but their house just increased in value” argument. I can understand their feelings. And yet-

Even if someone totally awful moved next door to me, I would never walk across their property without permission, party and blast music until after 1 AM, park all over the street, making it challenging to get to the driveway (all real life experiences for me unfortunately) and more...

I can understand the frustration
But I can’t understand the lack of basic “metchlichkeit” and neighborly “decency.”

(Sorry for venting... I know I just have to grin and bear it, I just didn’t anticipate or prepare for this when I moved in)

amother

Tangerine

Sun, Jul 19 2020, 10:47 pm

You don’t need anyone’s permission to put up a fence, just make sure you follow any neighborhood regulations. It should look nice.

And think about what to do about the driveway. I mean if you blocked their driveway they’d likely call the cops. Just to throw out a few suggestions I’ve seen - signage, painting a yellow line on the curb a few feet out from the sidewalk. It may not help but at least you’ll have taken the first step

Penina94

Tue, Jul 28 2020, 2:02 pm

I feel your frustration...so sorry you are going through this.While you can put up a fence or some other divider it will seem to them that you are trying to separate yourselves from them.Perhaps offering to share a cup of tea and discuss the concerns could work.I wish I had more for you.Did you know you had non Jewish neighbors before buying the house.Good luck to you and Daven daven daven...Hashem will answer you and will help you.

SuperWify

Tue, Jul 28 2020, 2:08 pm

QueensMama wrote:

Kill them with kindness. It's the only way.

I dont agree. We’ve had openly anti Semitic neighbors. All the kindness in the world that we tried was just laughed at. IGNORE. Only way.

amother

Silver

Tue, Jul 28 2020, 2:33 pm

I have Jewish but not frum neighbors next door. When we moved in, we went over to say hello and their response back was - we are selling by next year! And what do you know - they sold less than a year later!!