Home

Do you think a rav/mentor needs to know your family name?

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Interesting Discussions


View latest: 24h 48h 72h


amother




OP
 

Post  Fri, Jul 24 2020, 7:08 am
When calling a rav or mentor for advice, do you think it's necessary for them to know your family name?

I feel that being anonymous allows me to be more honest about my situation and my background. I don't feel the need to hide anything or 'cover-up' for anyone. I am providing them with all the necessary information so that they can understand the situation.

If they know the family name, this can possibly cloud their advice (esp. if they know your family), but also may unnecessarily expose things about the people you may be discussing, that would otherwise remain private.

What are your thoughts?
Back to top

amother




Blush
 

Post  Fri, Jul 24 2020, 7:59 am
To me a rav is someone you’re asking a shaila to. While more respectful to say your name he can answer without it.
A mentor is someone you have an ongoing relationship with. Not sure how well that can work with no names
Back to top

Elfrida




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Jul 24 2020, 10:58 am
A mentor is someone you trust. If you are trusting her for advice and guidance, then I would think you could trust them with your name. It can't be much of an ongoing relationship if you refuse to let them know who you are.

Quote:
If they know the family name, this can possibly cloud their advice (esp. if they know your family), but also may unnecessarily expose things about the people you may be discussing, that would otherwise remain private. 


If they know who you are it can also give a context for what you are discussing, and allow them to give much more focused advice. Again, if you trust them with your dilemmas, you should be able to trust their confidentiality.

Even with a halachic sheilah, the answer can often be nuanced depending on context. If they don't know who they are speaking to, the response will.always be limited.
Back to top

amother




Lilac
 

Post  Fri, Jul 24 2020, 12:08 pm
I get you. I have a “famous” last name and can’t really talk to anyone about issues with in-laws, etc.
Back to top

zaq




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Jul 24 2020, 12:13 pm
amother [ Blush ] wrote:
To me a rav is someone you’re asking a shaila to. While more respectful to say your name he can answer without it.
A mentor is someone you have an ongoing relationship with. Not sure how well that can work with no names


This.
Back to top

amother




Smokey
 

Post  Fri, Jul 24 2020, 12:16 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
When calling a rav or mentor for advice, do you think it's necessary for them to know your family name?

I feel that being anonymous allows me to be more honest about my situation and my background. I don't feel the need to hide anything or 'cover-up' for anyone. I am providing them with all the necessary information so that they can understand the situation.

If they know the family name, this can possibly cloud their advice (esp. if they know your family), but also may unnecessarily expose things about the people you may be discussing, that would otherwise remain private.

What are your thoughts?

I think the Shaila you get will be much better tailored to your personal situation if the Rav knows who he is dealing with.
Back to top

amother




Blush
 

Post  Fri, Jul 24 2020, 1:40 pm
amother [ Lilac ] wrote:
I get you. I have a “famous” last name and can’t really talk to anyone about issues with in-laws, etc.


I trust the person I speak to about my private thoughts/feelings/questions. She knows my name, parents and in laws and I completely trust that they don’t know about our relationship
The fact that she knows my background makes it that much easier for her to answer me and empathize and work with me
Generally a mentor is not a judge... she’s going to be empathetic
Back to top

amother




Linen
 

Post  Fri, Jul 24 2020, 2:00 pm
[quote="Elfrida"]A mentor is someone you trust. If you are trusting her for advice and guidance, then I would think you could trust them with your name. It can't be much of an ongoing relationship if you refuse to let them know who you are.]

I may trust her for advice and guidance but I don't necessarily trust her with confidentiality.
Back to top

amother




Periwinkle
 

Post  Fri, Jul 24 2020, 5:06 pm
I used to be shy and not introduce myself when calling our Rabbi. I also didn't see it as necessary. As I grew up a bit (I'm still in my 20s, I'm just married a bit longer) I realized it's more proper to say "Hi this is Mrs So and So I'm calling regarding the rice cooked in the wrong pot" etc. I also know he's very discreet and really not a yenta and I have no reason not to trust him.
Back to top

Stars




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Jul 24 2020, 5:27 pm
It’s mentchlich to introduce yourself when you’re calling to get service.
Back to top

BH Yom Yom




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Jul 25 2020, 11:54 pm
Stars wrote:
It’s mentchlich to introduce yourself when you’re calling to get service.


This. Unless you’re calling an anonymous hotline, proper phone etiquette is to introduce yourself when you call.

It drives me nuts when people call me but won’t say who they are, especially when they are calling for shidduch information about a single friend of mine. (In that case specifically, I tell them up front that I don’t take shidduch reference calls unless I know who I’m speaking with, and that I may have important information for them but will not be able to share that unless I know who is calling. Rav paskened that it’s assur to share anything negative l’to’eles if there’s no accountability from the caller’s end - if something you say gets misconstrued or misunderstood, you have no way of clarifying it down the line.)
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Jul 26 2020, 12:23 am
amother [ Blush ] wrote:
I trust the person I speak to about my private thoughts/feelings/questions. She knows my name, parents and in laws and I completely trust that they don’t know about our relationship
The fact that she knows my background makes it that much easier for her to answer me and empathize and work with me
Generally a mentor is not a judge... she’s going to be empathetic


What if you are speaking about abuse you experienced from your parents, who are well-known members of the community?
Back to top

amother




Blush
 

Post  Sun, Jul 26 2020, 12:54 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
What if you are speaking about abuse you experienced from your parents, who are well-known members of the community?


Again, I’m speaking only for myself. But I do discuss the abuse one of my parents put us through. First of all, like I said, I made sure to trust her (and yes I tested that many times) before fully opening up. And second, I’m aware that she asked and was told I can tell her anything, she can accept and advise based on what I say, but she cannot “believe” in that she needs to assume what I say is biased and remember she hasn’t spoken to my parents for their side. This way I can discuss anything, get advice and guidance as needed, feel understood and validated, and it’s not loshon hora.
So yes I discuss details even though she knows who I’m referring to. Especially with personal information, I don’t see how you’d discuss that anonymously
Back to top

amother




Lemon
 

Post  Sun, Jul 26 2020, 7:07 am
I think that a rav doesn't need to know you're last name, but does need to know which shailos and discussions are coming from whom. It's like the difference on imamother.com between always going anonymous or always using your username. The rav can know you as anything, but when you speak something through with him, you give him all the background he needs to understand and pasken. And when you ask the next shailah, he often needs to know that you are X name you gave before, because that matters for the psak.
Back to top

amother




Wine
 

Post  Tue, Jul 28 2020, 3:27 pm
I called my rabbi who has not heard from me in forty years he recognized my voice
Back to top

lavenderchimes




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Jul 28 2020, 3:41 pm
My Rav seems to remember my situation from previous calls, but I don't think I ever gave my name at all. IDK how he puts all my questions together, lol!
Back to top

amother




Coffee
 

Post  Sun, Aug 02 2020, 4:47 pm
if you dont want him to idenrify you, create a fake name (mothers grandma, etc) and always go by it when you call. so he knows your story, recognize your voice, he dosent need to know exactly who you are. if you prefer he doesnt identify you.

do you guys introduce your self to a rav by Mrs x, or Suri Cohen?
Back to top
Recent Topics

Page 1 of 1 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Interesting Discussions

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Last Letter Name a Place 676 Yesterday at 6:28 pm View last post
S/O Last Letter First Name 385 Yesterday at 6:28 pm View last post
Do you know someone who needs breastmilk? 7 Yesterday at 1:17 pm View last post
Name doubts/regret
by amother
8 Tue, Oct 27 2020, 8:27 am View last post
Curious to hear why you think kids can't learn on zoom
by amother
87 Tue, Oct 27 2020, 5:11 am View last post