Should I push my kids to do chesed?

amother

Sun, Jul 26 2020, 11:19 pm

We aren't rich, but my kids have a pretty posh life. Their own bedrooms, nice clothes, nice vacations and camps (well, pre-Corona anyhow), more toys and gadgets then they know what to do with.

Since we are home, their camps were closed, our vacations cancelled and we're desperate for things to do, I thought this is an excellent opportunity to get them involved in hands-on chesed projects.

They know DH and I give a lot of tzedakah, they see us always opening our homes to people (again, that's more pre-Covid), they see me cooking and dropping off meals for sick people, for new moms, etc. But I wanted them not just to see but to do.

I took them to volunteer for packing and distributing food boxes. They kvetched the whole time, said it's so boring, please don't make us go back. I really talked up how wonderful what they did was. Yes, it's not exciting, but what a beautiful and special mitzvah and so many families are impacted positively from it and you were such an important part of the process.... Didn't help.

I was hoping we'd do this every week this summer. Should I make them volunteer again? My instinct is not to. I mean, first of all, it's not really volunteering when you're forced into it and second I don't want them to feel resentful about helping people. Yet, I'm so annoyed with the attitude. I feel like DH and I are always setting a good example of being helpful and generous. Yet they are so disinterested. Should I maybe tell them they have to volunteer, but can come up with another place/ idea? Or just drop it completely? A friend of mine suggested having them volunteer at Humane Society, which they might like, but it feels weird to do chessed for cats and dogs but not people, no?

Well, looking for input, please! Like I said, they live a pretty plush life and I want them to feel gratitude for what they have and feel helping others less fortunate is important.

newcomer

Sun, Jul 26 2020, 11:29 pm

Chesed can take many forms. Doesn't have to be something public and obvious. Can be something as simple thinking of a classmate who may not have tons of friends, and calling on the phone or inviting for a playdate (if you are doing that currently with covid concerns). That actually is probably more relatable to them, then packing boxes for unknown recipients. Can even be at home, encouraging them to help each other.

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, Jul 26 2020, 11:48 pm

Nope nope nope. Some kids are into chesed, some are not so much. I have both types.

Regardless of what your kid's natural proclivities are, they learn chesed from the home.

You can positively affect your kids' chesed through life (not how they act now) only by modeling. They see you, hear you and watch you. Your values are absorbed. Practice your values and they will follow. Don't hide your good deeds from them, and do them b'simcha.

If you want to encourage your kids to find a personal cause, maybe have them read about/ learn about different causes, types of chesed, ways to do chesed. Maybe you can do a family chesed project. If its something close to your and dh's heart, or can be shared across the greater family, it might trigger interest.

Chesed also begins with how people treat the people they live with at home. Unlike tzedaka, time and effort is dear and anyone can do it.

amother

Chartreuse

Mon, Jul 27 2020, 12:35 am

amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:

Edited to add
Our local Humane society has minimal age of 16 for volunteers, 18 to walk dogs. However, walking a neighbors dog could be chesed .

I would only bring my kids to help box packing before yom tov when its really needed and then Slurpees and I praise them at the yom tov table. They should have a positive feeling about it.

Chesed ideas for modern kids who need to be engaged:

Playing with a toddler or taking a baby for a walk in the stroller and giving a mom a break teaching someone to hit a ball or ride a bike
mowing a neighbors lawn
baking cookies or challah for a quarantined neighbor
Saying thanks to the fire dept with baked goods or just call and ask what they'd like donated and raise the money in the neighborhood.
writing a thank you note to a teacher you loved from a few years ago
Organizing and decluttering your messy little sisters closet with her

agreer

Mon, Jul 27 2020, 1:02 am

Yes, you should encourage and even sometimes push your kids to do chessed.

No, you shouldn't force them to do, especially something they don't like.

But sometimes it's inconvenient, and sometimes it's boring, but we have to do it anyway. Can they listen to music or a story CD while packing the boxes? Can they do it with a friend so they can schmooze. It would be GREAT to teach them how to make unpleasant tasks more tolerable.

I think the idea of them choosing their own causes is also a good one. Then they will be interested and less bored.

Hatzlacha!

amother

Linen

Mon, Jul 27 2020, 1:39 am

naturalmom5 wrote:

I obviously dont have all the facts

But it seems that first you spoiled them rotten, then you dont understand why they dont want to do chesed..

Gee I wonder why... Banging head

They seem young enough, that you can go to a big Baal Aitzo and ask how to shift gears and tone down the catering and coddling without them feeling like they are being punished

I'm sorry, but this is really bothering me. I have seen time and time again, that there are child who are very privileged, doted on and gifted who are tremendously involved in chessed.

Giving them less niceties is not the answer.
When my children were young, the Menahel of my children's school said in a shuir that he gave, be modest and anonymous about your chessed in the community, but at home talk about it. Tell your children what you did and why. Have your spouse "congratulate" you at dinner and talk you up to the children.

I would not force them to do something against their will, but I would talk about how these are some chessed opportunities which we have this week, what do you (they) think would be the most fun to do (most being the operative word-not necessarily fun in a vacuum). Let's plan chessed for Monday morning and Monday afternoon we will do x.
Talk up the chessed. We are packing clothes/food/diapers-we are so lucky that Hashem has blessed us with Parnass that we don't need to depend on others..... use it to compare the bracha in your life and acknowledge the challenges of the chessed-the nursing home does smell, but BH bubbie doesn't need to live here. These people are so lonely....
I also think it is important and helpful to involve them in the chessed you typically do. If You are making dinner for a family where the mom is sick/they had a baby/sitting shiva. You can give them options of what to make; what do they think the family would enjoy options could be either pasta or rice... broccoli or cauliflower... chocolate chip cookies or brownies...(with a batch for them as well ) and have them help you. They can get/put away the ingredients or be incharge of dessert if they are able. They can drop it off with you and depending on their age, you can have them go to the door or drop off center while you stay in the car.

PinkFridge

Mon, Jul 27 2020, 9:49 am

If the box packing would have taken, that would be great. But since it didn't may I suggest you go in a whole different direction. Let me explain. A great chesed for them would not be something that makes the recipient an other, or a cheftza shel mitzvah, but something they can get really involved in. Something like Friendship Circle. Many communities actually have something similar but the volunteers are frum kids, and it's a smaller scale.

You may not be hosting parlor meetings, but what are you doing? Are you cooking for people who need it? (When we got meals after I had a baby, so many of the women cooking were women who were likely never going to need my meals - they were older, or had $$.) Involve your kids in the cooking.

When you cook for Shabbos, get hokey and sing "When Mommy makes x l'kavod Shabbos she always sings this tune." Make doing vibrant. Have some Kid with a Pan trials, at least for one course.

Don't expect them to start saying tehillim every day but give them opportunities for one time things, like those Tehillim calls that you might be aware of, or maybe send a link to a Tehillim yahad for a situation that moved you. Send them some a Yoel Gold or short video that you liked. Don 't follow up.

Don't look back and kick yourself. You gave them a good life and made decisions that seemed right at the time. Don't start some type of boot camp to try to swing them in the opposite direction.

Hatzlacha!

dankbar

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 4:17 pm

I just read a story in "Kids speak" about a spoiled kid who nothing was good enough when he was planning his upscale, exclusive bar mitzvah, and then how the planner took him along in oncology ward to help him with his chesed projects. Once he saw what's going on there, he didn't need an upscale bar mitzvah anymore. He ended up celebrating a shared bar mitzvah next to a sick boy in hospital his age.

Point is if they would be exposed to the lives of the less fortunate, they might have more feelings towards them.