Boys and how they’re perceived

amother

Tue, Jul 28 2020, 10:03 am

My oldest son has a learning disability, and always struggled hard with Gemara. Because of this, he just doesn’t like it. It’s colored his whole life, because all the “good” yeshivas do nothing BUT Gemara until like 10pm every day, all day.

So he went to a yeshiva with not a great reputation because it was better than him being miserable. He stopped wearing a black hat. And his friends are wearing T-shirts to shul and tight legging pants, and teeny yalmulkes, and most of the time I just look the other way. I decided my other battles are more important than this one. But he’s getting older, almost ready to date, and I see how most of my family (who’s yeshivish) think a certain way about him. They think of him as a bum.

My next boys are much better at Gemara, but they too want to be “cool”, and they wear similar clothing. And how can I tell them no and my oldest child yes? So now I have a bunch of boys who wear a certain dress code and I feel like it closes so many doors for them in terms of acceptance and their crowd.

It makes me sad - all because one little boy isn’t great at Gemara, our yeshivish world has shoved him right out.

I know that all this judgement based on clothing is stupid, but it’s a reality. Mostly I work on my son’s middos and make sure they’re kind and giving, but we don’t seem to fit in with our circle of friends and family. And their message is that we aren’t frum, we aren’t erlach yidden.

I’m just upset, sorry for venting. Sometimes it gets to me.

amother

Amber

Tue, Jul 28 2020, 10:09 am

I don't know where you live but I am assuming its a large right wing community.

I live in the five towns and there are so many schools for good boys even "A" schools where the boys do not need to wear black and white, they have excellent secular tracks and athletics as well.

My dh wears white and black and is in klai kodesh but I am so happy to know that if my son chooses a different route he can still go to good school with good kids and not be perceived as a "bum"

behappy2

Tue, Jul 28 2020, 3:23 pm

I'm not judging cuz I haven't been in your shoes but why can't you tell your other boys that it's not appropriate? Im sure they realize that their brother has issues and is in a different yeshivah. I have a child with ADHD and fully aware that he is at risk from the get go. It is what it is...

amother

Floralwhite

Tue, Jul 28 2020, 3:41 pm

amother [ Apricot ] wrote:

This is something very upsetting to me.
All boys must learn Gemara 12 hours a day.
And 70 percent of them aren’t cut out for it.

It’s an old struggle.
I wish we can open a new yeshiva with a right balance.

This. And I wish we can the mindset about it in our community.

amother

Turquoise

Tue, Jul 28 2020, 4:59 pm

Theres a lot of space between black hats and jackets and tight leggings and teeny kippot. I agree that the system is a problem, but you're not going to change the system overnight. If you could find some compromise of coloured shorts and looser trousers that might help change peoples impression.

amother

Powderblue

Tue, Jul 28 2020, 6:30 pm

Its very hard and honestly this is one of my fears too.
I have a lot of boys one after another and my oldest son always struggled,
Academically, and socially.
Hebrew reading, chumash teitch, mishnayos,
He's not bar mitzvah yet, and I do always tell him as ling as he tries..

amother

Plum

Tue, Jul 28 2020, 6:50 pm

I only have boys. Let me tell you a secret. Even for the boys that do handle Gemara well, this system of only learning all day is bad for them too. I wish something can change in the right wing world.
For a culture that prides itself on Mesorah, 100% of boys learning all day was never a thing. It was always only for the top few. Time to bring back the Mesorah of teaching them a trade alongside their learning.

PinkFridge

Wed, Jul 29 2020, 7:24 am

It's not the dress. It's his feeling disenfranchised. Boys need to feel good because they are good, because they daven, because they want to walk the walk. It is a big bracha if they have their connection to learning. If they can learn to learn or if they need "crutches", or if they need to focus on other areas. OP, this is what you should want for you son. Hatzlacha!