My children's father...

Mitzvahmom

Tue, Feb 12 2008, 6:19 pm

I was speaking to a shadchan today....and she asked me how the visits are going with my x husband..

I told her more and more he's pulling back...becoming less interested and I feel bad for the kids..

she said, well isn't it better for them if he just backs off completely?

I told her that it would make me sad, as he is their biological father, and it's something that does not change. I could not imagine not knowing my father, and I think it would be sad for them if he just disappeared.

She said, well wouldn't it make it easier?

I said I guess so, but then comes the task of finding a good step-father..

*************************************

while I admit, I would be thrilled that my X would back off. On the other side I know the importance of a father in my children's life. For now this is what they have, and even if I did remarry... He is still their biological father...

oh well

amother

Tue, Feb 12 2008, 6:51 pm

I am not sure what you are looking for from amothers, but I will tell you what I think.

NO ONE can replace their real father and it would be a HUGE loss for him to dissapear. Don't let your children suffer that pain!!

I am too divorced with an ex who wants to be very involved. Although my child is still young and does not know who he is right now, it is still important that she biuld some type of relationship cause it will come to haunt both her and me if she doesnt. It is not easy for us as moms to face our one time dh, but it is for our children that we do this so that they can be given the best shot at life.

So forget your shaddchins unadvisable words, (she obviously doesnt understand your situation), and focus on you remarrying aside from his involvment.

Also, you may want to give your ex some words of chizuk of how important he is to your children incase he doesn't realize how important he is to them.....

good luck, and stay strong!

Imaonwheels

Tue, Feb 26 2008, 3:54 am

I always taught my children to respect their father. Now that they are grown they each have their own opinion. This was not a 2 way street. When they got to be teenagers I talked my dd into convincing to return to Israel so they would know him and have not miss their teenage years. I even gave her a suggestion of somewhere near to us with a community they could relate to (not easy).

I have a friend who her ex was severely neurotic and violent. She kept all visits until he attacked her locking the kids outside and they asked to not see him anymore. B"H for most of us the complications of having to continue dealing with the ex is a small price to pay for emotionally happy children.

creativemommyto3

Tue, Feb 26 2008, 6:19 am

I am the child of divorce and let me tell you my end. My father is an abusive person even if he does sometimes know how to be nice.

I would have loved if he would have dropped out of my life so I could have grown up without all of his abuse. The only part that pushes me to talk to him is the fact that I don't want to lose my grandmother and rest of family (which at one point I was kicked out for not being so respectful, that is quite hard to do when the man is absolutely driving me nuts!! so many shailos we asked and now more need to be asked)

Now that I am an adult and I have tried to have a decent relationship with him, I am fed up. He was in my home for two weeks and for the entire time he spoke about my husband as if he was the worst person in the world and then in the end he started up with me too and threatened me.

Yes it's good to have a father but if the guy is nuts, it's no good.

amother

Tue, Feb 26 2008, 6:37 am

I convinced my husband to go back to his father, from whom he was estranged while his parents were going thru a messy divorce. His mother did a good job on her two sons, and the father was not in the loop for two years for my husband (his brother, now 40 has not spoken with their father since he was 11). It was a smart move for us financially at the time, to reconnect with the father, but to tell you the truth - besides money, I don't know what good comes of being around a less than stellar person, even if it is your father.
I don't know your case, but just because a person is (to use Dr. Laura's phrase) a "sperm donor" it does not make him a father. A father is one who takes active interest in the children and their well being. The kids really have to feel a connection; I don't think that pushing them will make an amazing relationship happen.
I think you are a tzedaikis for trying and I wish you no more heartbreak.

amother

Tue, Feb 26 2008, 7:05 am

Mitzvahmom wrote:

I'm posting as anonymous not to be rude, but I'm afraid you may be offended by this question. However, I am a bit confused.

Didn't you say your ex abused (was it physically...even sxually..can't remember) some of your children?
Why would they need a father like that?

I am not trying to be hurtful...I just would think that would be the limit...

amother

Tue, Feb 26 2008, 7:08 am

same amother as above...I'll add that my father s&xually harrassed me (thank G-d it was nothing more as I recall) on a daily basis when I was going through puberty and I was so glad to leave home and have him out of my life. I never looked back or shed a tear for him (thank G-d also he was not Jewish)

That is where my question/comment is coming from.

amother

Tue, Feb 26 2008, 7:08 am

truly MM in your case with all the abuse towards you and your daughter I don't understant why you want them to be around him he is a sick person and you have to protect your kids, after all the things that you told us about him I as a mother will never be able to live them with him in fear that he will do something to them.
I was touched by my grandfather and until now I feel that my mother didn't protect me and that hurts more than the abuse.
if you know that he abuse your daughter protect her is in your best interest and hers.

Mitzvahmom

Tue, Feb 26 2008, 7:38 am

the courts deemed him a fit parent...

I have no choice but to let him visit, but your right it's better to let him back off... Esp with the abuse

My kids always tell me, if I would just get married to a mentch they would not miss their father. Their words not mine..

I am working on it!! IY"H

mimivan

Tue, Feb 26 2008, 8:06 am

Mitzvahmom wrote:

did the courts not believe the allegations of abuse? Confused

You might want to check this, but at least as far as their relationship halachically, it may not be an issue of kibbud av because I understand that in some cases if a ger goes off the derech (as I understand your ex has done) he might not be considered Jewish still, according to some opinions.

this doesn't help the visitation issue, but if he's the one backing off..that is a good thing.

iy'h you should find your true bashert right away!

greenfire

Tue, Feb 26 2008, 8:50 am

well between the 5 years your daughter was already forced to have a relationship with a s-xual abuser ... why would it be any different now ... I think any harm has already been done ...

my thought is to have little contact - never none since he is the father - you do NOT need them to have a void - the shadchan obviously doesn't fully understand ...

your kids sound smart - but keep trying - hopefully you will find a strong man in your lives ...

Mitzvahmom

Tue, Feb 26 2008, 9:23 am

mimivan wrote:

did the courts not believe the allegations of abuse? Confused

They believed it for a while we had supervised visits.. Ihave been throught this before on the board many times. Right now, he is not allowed to have them over nights, and can only take them to public places. That's why we go to NY and he takes them to museums and out to eat, so I know it's kosher...etc

As for the GER status, Rabbis told me not to even try to touch it. He is not practicing jewish anymore for various reasons. Though I admit last time he visited my kids made him purchase a kippah! They told him out of respect for them and 770 he has to wear one! I got a giggle out of it, but did not make a big deal..

I have a feeling that when I remarry visits will go down to once a year.. Just now, for some reason, he likes to visit them.. Always says that I am doing a great job, because he can talk to them unlike before when they would whine and cry. So he knows I am not speaking negatively about him, so he has nothing to complain about.

mimivan

Tue, Feb 26 2008, 10:07 am

Ruchel wrote:

is it for a ger that goes totally off (like, no kashrus, no shabbes), or let's say if he doesn't wear a kippa or tzitzis or he doesn't daven? I hear so many different things on the topic that I'm more than a bit lost!

It is such an individual thing Ruchel, that it is really a case by case basis...
It also depends on how long someone was frum before going off (to prove initial sincerity)

but since OP said this is not an issue she is going to touch, it isn't really relevant to the situation.