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Do you feel differently towards 9 Av after sitting shiva?
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amother




Tangerine
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 11:45 am
I’ve bh never sat shiva however I didn’t shower Wednesday and was a complete mess on Thursday. I had a (heat) rash that was uncomfortable and I felt awful. Kept barking at my poor kids when they came close or wanted a kiss. I have no clue how it can be done for a week. I wouldn’t be able to let anyone near me

Maybe I live a comfortable cushioned 2020 life but this is where I was planted
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PinkFridge




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 11:48 am
amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:
I’ve bh never sat shiva however I didn’t shower Wednesday and was a complete mess on Thursday. I had a (heat) rash that was uncomfortable and I felt awful. Kept barking at my poor kids when they came close or wanted a kiss. I have no clue how it can be done for a week. I wouldn’t be able to let anyone near me

Maybe I live a comfortable cushioned 2020 life but this is where I was planted


If someone's sitting all day, vs. running around after kids/shopping in and out of cars/housework/out of housework, etc., particularly in an air-conditioned room, one doesn't work up much of a sweat.

One still gets yucky though.
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 11:52 am
PinkFridge wrote:
If someone's sitting all day, vs. running around after kids/shopping in and out of cars/housework/out of housework, etc., particularly in an air-conditioned room, one doesn't work up much of a sweat.

One still gets yucky though.


Some people naturally sweat more than others. Some people sweat at different times of the month, or at different ages/stages of their lives.

'nuff said.

I need a shower even if I've sat in a low chair a whole day. I still feel gross.

I managed without the makeup, I can survive feeling not at my nicest-looking...but having my skin prickle and my scalp itch and feel unclean.....you get the idea....
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amother




Tangerine
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 12:02 pm
PinkFridge wrote:
If someone's sitting all day, vs. running around after kids/shopping in and out of cars/housework/out of housework, etc., particularly in an air-conditioned room, one doesn't work up much of a sweat.

One still gets yucky though.


I was in the house all day. There was zero housework on Tisha B’av. Kids had meals that were easy or cooked in advance.
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amother




Tangerine
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 12:04 pm
Chayalle wrote:
Some people naturally sweat more than others. Some people sweat at different times of the month, or at different ages/stages of their lives.

'nuff said.

I need a shower even if I've sat in a low chair a whole day. I still feel gross.

I managed without the makeup, I can survive feeling not at my nicest-looking...but having my skin prickle and my scalp itch and feel unclean.....you get the idea....


This.

It’s not about makeup. It’s about wanting to run away because you can’t smell yourself. It’s about feeling your scalp itch.....
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PinkFridge




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 12:34 pm
Chayalle wrote:
Some people naturally sweat more than others. Some people sweat at different times of the month, or at different ages/stages of their lives.

'nuff said.

I need a shower even if I've sat in a low chair a whole day. I still feel gross.

I managed without the makeup, I can survive feeling not at my nicest-looking...but having my skin prickle and my scalp itch and feel unclean.....you get the idea....


Just saying how it's possible. Not easy. It was mild enough here, and with shields, I was ok during the 9 days. Till I touched my hair. Thick, dry so I can get away with not washing it as often but still yuck. So I do get the idea.
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zaq




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 1:19 pm
PinkFridge wrote:
If someone's sitting all day, vs. running around after kids/shopping in and out of cars/housework/out of housework, etc., particularly in an air-conditioned room, one doesn't work up much of a sweat.

One still gets yucky though.


Both times I sat shiva it was in winter, and one of those days was the coldest day on record for that date. I still got grungy after a couple of days. Your body exudes substances even in the absence of exertion. Stress/distress amps up the process.
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doodlesmom




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 1:58 pm
Just putting it out there that the laws of the 3 weeks is like the laws of the first year of a mourner, the laws of the 9 days is like the laws of the shloshim, and he laws of tisha bav are the laws of shiva.

Many people mistakenly think that shiva and 9 days laws are equal. They are not.

Speaking from experience now, I definitely feel there is a difference in the attitude of those who have sat shiva in the past and those who didn’t.
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amother




Floralwhite
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 4:37 pm
amother [ Linen ] wrote:
I don't think that the halachos of aveilus are about respecting the niftar. .


No, they're not. But even if you didn't find the customs personally meaningful, it would be disrespectful not to observe them, as it would create a public impression that you're not mourning and that you're being mezalzel the deceased. What you do in private is, of course, your own business.
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amother




Black
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 7:50 pm
doodlesmom wrote:
Just putting it out there that the laws of the 3 weeks is like the laws of the first year of a mourner, the laws of the 9 days is like the laws of the shloshim, and he laws of tisha bav are the laws of shiva.

Many people mistakenly think that shiva and 9 days laws are equal. They are not.

Speaking from experience now, I definitely feel there is a difference in the attitude of those who have sat shiva in the past and those who didn’t.

What? You can't shower for a whole month?

No, shloshim are NOT like the 9 days at all. You can have meat and wine and shower and swim and do laundry in the shloshim.
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ValleyMom




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 8:16 pm
I sat shiva DURING the 9 Days and T'isha B'av.
You better believe I showered- all those people hugging me, all those germs... I showered every day of shiva.
A lot better than getting myself sick.
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amother




Chartreuse
 

Post  Wed, Aug 05 2020, 11:33 pm
I feel almost - the opposite.

For years I've been hearing speeches which include "and people are busy asking shaylos about showers in the 9 days. I have yet to have an avel asking such questions during shiva."

So for years as my father's health was precarious, one of my anxieties was how I will handle a week of no bathing. And I kept davening, let it be a shortened week!

Then we got all the books on aveilus. And they pretty much all (as I recall) say straight out "a sensitive person who is accustomed to shower or bathe daily may do so during shiva" or some such language, possibly recommending cold water etc.

(I think they also said you can wash underwear during shloshim but not with soap. I told my Rov, "come on, this is the 21st century and you can't expect me to handle that!" and he didn't)

So basically to the point above, yeah, you don't get those shaylos because the seforim tell people explicitly that they can wash!

I am sorry if I sound disrespectful but I am still fuming about all the anxiety I had for no reason.

Also to be honest I was not that close with my father (or I'm not that emotional) so aveilus was just something I was required to do.

I know a couple of people who needed clothing but did not want to take advantage of the heter to have someone else wear it. I have no such feeling.

I guess I should be sad about that.
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PinkFridge




 
 
 
 

Post  Yesterday at 9:21 am
amother [ Black ] wrote:
What? You can't shower for a whole month?

No, shloshim are NOT like the 9 days at all. You can have meat and wine and shower and swim and do laundry in the shloshim.


Some people take cold showers and don't do their own laundry. If they wear freshly laundered clothes, they keep them on the floor for a bit. (Because unlike the 9 days, people aren't in a position to prewear their clothes for the month.)
There are different opinions. I would venture to say that even someone who follows the most lenient opinions is still mourning no less
ETA: Chartreuse, I just read your post. So eta to say, I'm thinking of you. Hugs!
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zaq




 
 
 
 

Post  Yesterday at 10:05 am
amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:
.

I guess I should be sad about that.


Nah. We have ritualized mourning so that a. others will recognize that you're mourning and respond appropriately and b. to give structure to people who would otherwise not know what to do. Even if the formulaic mourning rituals don't feel meaningful to you, you still mourn in your own personal ways that may not necessarily be visible.
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