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I don’t want my daughter to date.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:07 pm
There I’ve said it.
She is the sweetest, kindest, most refined girl I’ve seen. She’s frum and so mature.
Her life is good. She has a great fulfilling job.

Why bother getting married.
The threads I read here are hair raising.
It just makes me so sad thinking of my precious daughter ending up with one of these jerks.
I don’t want to hear about red flags. Hundreds of people looked carefully and are suffering.

Whatever. I don’t even know what I want.
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ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:08 pm
What does SHE want?
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genius




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:09 pm
Why don’t you tell us more about yourself? Are you married?
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amother




Lawngreen
 

Post  Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:10 pm
The people with normal, healthy relationships don’t post about it. “Hey guys! Just wanted to let you know that my husband is the best and super supportive and we parent the same way and we have a great bedroom life. K bye!”
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:13 pm
We are married.
Marriage is ok.
I understand that people in great marriages won’t post, but there are so many issues in our communities.
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ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:14 pm
amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:
The people with normal, healthy relationships don’t post about it. “Hey guys! Just wanted to let you know that my husband is the best and super supportive and we parent the same way and we have a great bedroom life. K bye!”
Exactly this! My dh is one of those that bring me coffee to bed and serves me breakfast and writes beautiful love poems and helps me a ton BH bh I am blessed.
However, I dont post that here ( I just did).
Also, if I choose to I can make him look like the worst person in the world and a jerk with a Capitol J. Most of us are a work in progress, it just depends if you have proper guidance and try to help yourself or stay in your victim hood.
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amother




Coral
 

Post  Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:15 pm
I understand

I know sad stories of young Agunos... with little kids...
Penniless

I know woemn who cant walk away from bad mental health situations, bc they never got a degree that will enable them to have Parnasa. cant afford to move out with 5 kids if cant afford a bsement, so "stuck in a marriage"

So maybe:
College, education, so she can always support herself not depending on others - Professional trainign and work experience.
Work a few years, while traveling with friends - great

at some point, you would want to see her settled. Check out the guy super carefully.
Also super carefully his family - parents, siblings. Happy home produce happy children.
If any issues - you are getting into a sticky situation, potentially.

Oh, Life has shown so many scenarios...

Highly suggest, always, to anyone, ASK multiple reliable references (not only those on the resume, go to teachers, rebbeim, shul members, rav of shuls, neigbours - Find out if candidate AND parents AND sinblings - any medical issues? mental health issues? Middos? parents shalom bayis?

I asked my dates if they were taking any medications, or had a history of.
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amother




Mustard
 

Post  Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:15 pm
Ouch. Maybe you can step away from the forum for a bit. Most people I know are happy.

And red flags count for a lot, my sister was in shidduchim awhile and met many guys with red flags. One of them married a girl she knew. I hope that girl is okay
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ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:17 pm
And you MUST davening really hard for your daughter! That's basically what you can do after doing normal hishtadlus with finding out information. BHatzlocha!
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crust




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:29 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
We are married.
Marriage is ok.
I understand that people in great marriages won’t post, but there are so many issues in our communities.


I understand you OP.

I was also petrified at first. Its very nice to hear all the advice about shidduchim in theory but its a whole different ball game when the girl is actually your own.

It took me time to settle into this world but by now I am much more confident that there are good methods to research boys. Its not hit or miss.
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amother




Mint
 

Post  Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:31 pm
OP, I totally understand your feelings... because I’ve felt that way before (for other reasons) about my daughter ... who is only 3! But I managed to work through those feelings...

Some major issues came up in my first year of marriage.. and my mother, who is my best friend, knew nothing about it... it was the hardest thing for me to keep it from her but I knew for the sake of my husbands privacy I needed to keep her out of it... it was torture! I was going thru so much... I probably would have gotten divorced if I wasn’t pregnant when things started...

I’m married a few years and with the help of an amazing therapist we worked through things ... and my marriage is far from perfect but It’s strong and it’s loving and I’m happy.

When things were really bad I used to hold my daughter and think about how frightened I will be years down the line when she would start dating... get engaged... cuz just like my mother saw my smiling Shana rishona face and thought I was sooo happy... there’s no way for me to really know she’s happy and ok!! And it terrified me!

But what’s better ? Hold her back from starting a family? Will she be happier being single forever? I’m pretty sure if you asked your daughter she’d be interested in finding a husband and having a family ...

All we can do is daven that our children find happiness and success
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amother




Blonde
 

Post  Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:34 pm
crust wrote:
I understand you OP.

I was also petrified at first. Its very nice to hear all the advice about shidduchim in theory but its a whole different ball game when the girl is actually your own.

It took me time to settle into this world but by now I am much more confident that there are good methods to research boys. Its not hit or miss.


Can you specify what those methods are?
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behappy2




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:36 pm
Bc first year. Ask your Rav.
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crust




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:39 pm
amother [ Blonde ] wrote:
Can you specify what those methods are?


Not on a public forum and depends to whom...
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:41 pm
crust wrote:
I understand you OP.

I was also petrified at first. Its very nice to hear all the advice about shidduchim in theory but its a whole different ball game when the girl is actually your own.

It took me time to settle into this world but by now I am much more confident that there are good methods to research boys. Its not hit or miss.


Thank you.
Makes me feel less crazy.
What methods are out there? Where do I start?
I have lots of nieces, similar backgrounds, looked for pretty much the same type, yet some married great guys and some married....
My daughter is such a positive person, she sincerely sees only the good in people how do I get her to be critical yet positive?
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amother




Blonde
 

Post  Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:43 pm
crust wrote:
Not on a public forum and depends to whom...


Ok, maybe I'll PM you if that's okay with you.
Whom? Me. lol. A person who would like to know what to ask and how to vet.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:43 pm
crust wrote:
Not on a public forum and depends to whom...


Now I’m really intrigued. Seriously.
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amother




Dodgerblue
 

Post  Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:46 pm
I am sorry for anyone suffering in these bad marriages, but can we really say that hashem didnt plan it in some way?


I'm saying this as someone suffering with a man who probably has add or ...and it would not be obvious until living together.

I have 2 close relatives who got divorced. Both did a lot of checking into everything and still didnt find out the "big bad dealbreaker" which was hidden until a few months into marriage that she found out and divorced.

The other woman also did a lot of checking but unfortunately, the boy dropped her around 1 yr into marriage and wanted a divorce. (She was devastated and is now "labeled a divorcee " is still unmarried).

I'm not telling you this to scare you more, but to do the opposite.

There are many bad stories regarding everything in the life, but after we do our hishtadlus, the rest is really up to hashem...and I dont think we are in control in shidduchim....we Must do our hishtadlus (consult rav...) but we are not in control of the outcome...and that is scary

But, this should not stop us from telling our kids to get married...we need to do hishtadlus and rely on hashem...I think we can learn from ppl in holocaust who did rebuild and they could've said look at all who died, why have kids if that can happen....(I'm listening to project inspire now about this )

We also see this from rabbi akiva, that all his students who were great rabbis who died, despite this, he did rebuild and didnt say "why rebuild if everyone might die"...

We also see this from someone in the torah or gemara???(I forgot his name) but he saw that in the future his son will be a Rasha so he decided not to get married but then someone told him this Is wrong as he needs to do his part and hashem will do the rest...hes not in control...

I think giving your dd tools(like you said she has a good job) etc and signs or ways to ensure she's treated properly and nip certain things in the bud as some men just need to learn certain behaviors....but we are not in control....

I wish your dd success in shidduchim.
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amother




Oak
 

Post  Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:47 pm
You can do a ton of hishtadlus but ultimately marriage is a leap of faith.
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amother




Saddlebrown
 

Post  Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:48 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
There I’ve said it.
She is the sweetest, kindest, most refined girl I’ve seen. She’s frum and so mature.
Her life is good. She has a great fulfilling job.

Why bother getting married.
The threads I read here are hair raising.
It just makes me so sad thinking of my precious daughter ending up with one of these jerks.
I don’t want to hear about red flags. Hundreds of people looked carefully and are suffering.

Whatever. I don’t even know what I want.


How old is she?

My sister is in her thirties and unmarried, and while she has an amazing job and fantastic friends, she travels and has a blog, and does all sorts of amazing chesed and other hobbies, there's always an underlying sadness. She wants children so badly. She feels stuck, somehow.

You want your child to marry because life is not best lived alone. Stop being ridiculous, and just daven that she meets someone as wonderful as she is.
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