I don’t want my daughter to date.

amother

Powderblue

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 5:05 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

There I’ve said it.
She is the sweetest, kindest, most refined girl I’ve seen. She’s frum and so mature.
Her life is good. She has a great fulfilling job.

Why bother getting married.
The threads I read here are hair raising.
It just makes me so sad thinking of my precious daughter ending up with one of these jerks.
I don’t want to hear about red flags. Hundreds of people looked carefully and are suffering.

Whatever. I don’t even know what I want.

Will she be happy and fulfilled at 40 or 50 with the same life?
Is that ultimately what you want for her?

amother

Apricot

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 5:15 pm

I am married almost 2 years, and this kind of reminds me of my parents lol. When I was 19 and eager to start shidduchim, they were like enjoy your single life, figure out what you want to do, etc. Then I started dating a year after sem and the boys that came up were more off the mark then the next. My classmates started getting married one by one and while I was super chilled-that I wasn't running after dates and who cares if things weren't coming up, I am just looking for a husband, my parents were panicking and I was like what changed? You were scared for me to start dating and now you're panicking. I was engaged by 22 and married by 23.
But honestly, the threads here are scary and when I read a thread in the shalom bayis section, I am opened to a whole new world that BH I should never know of and regret reading it after. You can only do your hishtadlus and daven.

amother

Beige

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 5:19 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thank you.
Makes me feel less crazy.
What methods are out there? Where do I start?
I have lots of nieces, similar backgrounds, looked for pretty much the same type, yet some married great guys and some married....
My daughter is such a positive person, she sincerely sees only the good in people how do I get her to be critical yet positive?

I get you. Dd is the same.

And I'm no longer married and hear plenty of stories from other single mums of their xdhs.
However I hope and daven and am looking forward to see dd happily married one day. Just because of my and other peoples negative experiences doesn't mean it can't work out for her.
It is true, marriage is a gamble as many things are in life. And there are so many growth opportunities and potential for happy experiences in marriage too.
Why not give her a chance too if SHE wants to get married.
We can only try our best and the rest is from above.
...how in my wildest dreams could I have imagined dxh to change his way of life after 10 yrs of marriage...one can never know!!

amother

Fuchsia

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 5:41 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I hear you. And I see your fear. It’s what every parent wants the minute we hold our children in our arms. Protect them fiercely of all the darkness in the world.
Unfortunately I learnt that all we can do as humans is to educate ourselves, learn and be proactive.

It warms my heart to hear how good hearted your daughter is. And it is scary sending our kids out of our nests. Ones we infuse with as much positivity and love we can. But it’s inevitable. Just like the fetus is safe inside us for 9 months, when the time comes it’s time to brave into the world. It’s not an option to stay, when ready we are meant to move onto the next stage and move forward.

Firstly, she is lucky that she has you as her mom. Its beautiful that you see her for the beautiful soul that she is. However remember that we are not protecting our kids by limiting them we are protecting our selves and limiting them of what more they can become.

This doesn’t mean we have to go into things blindly.

Yes this world is full of bad. But it’s also full of good.
Empower your daughter. To realize how powerful she is as a woman. Start building and harnessing her inner belief, that although she will bezrat Hashem get married, she doesn’t need to rely on the man to be a woMan. You can guide her to invest in a career, teach her to be self sufficient-emotionally and otherwise, teach her how to be smart about finances and how to navigate life before she settles down.

One way or another, we all have to face the music and realize that the world has so much darkness. But I know for myself, while it is so so hard to hear about all these things going on behind the scenes, hear of the pain beautiful women go through,
it breaks my heart. But I’m all the better for it. I learn to look past the bad that I see and look for the light in people. I learnt to empower myself and empower my children to never subject themselves to the ugliness in people. Teach them boundaries. How to put boundaries with themselves and others.

But then again, I grew up with divorced people and I had a head start to dealing with pain and how bad people can be. Seeing the pain my parents went through, the pain it caused my siblings and those around, almost tainted any thought or dream I had of marrying. It took a lot of work to realize that ultimately I want to believe in the good. Sure there’s pain, I’ve lived through it. But we have two choices, be frozen in fear by the reality of life and potential risks or take the leap of faith and grow exponentially and enrich your life in a beautiful way.

I hope you find comfort and peace of mind to help your daughter navigate this next journey💕

crust

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 5:47 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Before and after researching the boy there is a whole other part to shidduchim which I see some of the parents miss (not because they want but because they are so preoccupied to get thy child engagedth)

I don't want to open myself up entirely here but I do want to say that I find shidduchim to be an integral part of chinuch.

Teaching our children that there is a time and place for everything.
There is a time for positivity and seeing the good in others. There is a time to point out the negative.

There is a time to tolerate other people's middos and there is a time to not tolerate other people's personalities.

There is a time to rely heavily on your intuition and
Teaching our children whom to trust and what we value.

Helping them grow into the adults we expect them to become a day after the wedding.

I'm happy for your daughter that you are not pushing her.
Use your time wisely.
Ask people that you trust and feel that they have the right mehalech to shidduchim how they do it.

I have a feeling that not all your neices and nephew's parents were focused on the truth or on the correct set of values.

Know your own values and what you're really looking for and don't settle for less than that.

amother

Jetblack

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 5:56 pm

Op- how can you train your daughter to maintain her ayin Tov and also recognize unhealthy behaviors ( both before and if needed- hopefully not- after marriage)?
You can work with her, or someone else can, to make sure that she is extremely self-aware. Why does she like certain people and dislike others? How does she feel after interacting with different people? Why? How does she view herself and her attributes and flaws? Where does she see her future husband complementing her life? What are some normal challenges that she expects over her engagement and marriage? She should think about and discuss these topics with a mentor. She should be in touch with her own feelings as much as possible and deal with them appropriately.
I also feel that girls are often taught that it’s a good thing to be Mevater, to overlook and give in, which it often is. But many times it is not the right thing. She should have a discussion with a mentor about when it is right to give in, and when one should stand firm in her position.

Amalia

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 5:58 pm

amother [ Saddlebrown ] wrote:

How old is she?

My sister is in her thirties and unmarried, and while she has an amazing job and fantastic friends, she travels and has a blog, and does all sorts of amazing chesed and other hobbies, there's always an underlying sadness. She wants children so badly. She feels stuck, somehow.

You want your child to marry because life is not best lived alone. Stop being ridiculous, and just daven that she meets someone as wonderful as she is.

I think your post would be a lot better if you edited out the phrase “stop being ridiculous.”
(I wrote this for the benefit of the OP so that she does not think that everyone here thinks that she “is being ridiculous.”)

amother

Coffee

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:16 pm

2 points here: firstly, as others said, most of us complain and post our horror stories, not out moments of joy. Bh I’m in a beautiful happy marriage but even I posted once for perspective on a fight we had. I would love for everyone to experience the joy I do with my husband.
Secondly, the only thing you can and should do is ensure she is prepared and mature enough to handle things. That means dating with eyes wide open and being able to identify red flags without being blinded. And once married, being able to stand up for herself when necessary and be able to recognize if she’s in a healthy relationship.

amother

Puce

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:32 pm

I used to feel the same as the OP feels. Especially since my marriage isnt great. Looking back there were many red flags. I was so clueless.

My dd has had many speeches in HS and camp. She heard from Shalom Task force multiple times. This is also one of the many reasons I sent her to seminary. She had so many conversations about dating and marriage.

I honestly feel that my daughter will date way better than I did. Also, my kids are well spaced. There is no need for her to date until she is ready. I was pushed to date and marry way before I wanted to, because I had a sister a grade younger than me.