I don’t want my daughter to date.

amother

Forestgreen

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:43 pm

tichellady wrote:

There are no guarantees but I would insist on a halakhic prenup and encourage my daughter to be on birth control For the beginning of Marriage

I did insist on a halachic prenup (using up a very valuable insist card--and even my xh agreed!)

I encouraged the keeping of her premarital money (very small as she was still in school-maybe $8K) to be kept in a separate account because I always think a woman should have even a little bit of money to call her own. She did not agree but I feel like I tried. To be clear, I believe in joint accounts, no matter who is earning the money at the time, but by definition there will times in a mother's life when she is vulnerable and that if G-d forbid her life went to hell in a handbasket, she would have a little bit of money free and clear. That, plus buying gifts for one's spouse (or sometimes oneself) and being accountable to no one.

amother

Cobalt

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:52 pm

Daughters who have strong bonds at home and solid support dont fall into such traps because they turn to their parents earlier who help them pick up the peices. Would you deny her the joy of children and possibility of a good relationship for fear of scraped knees and bumps in life? But I totally get your instinct. Daven, daven and daven some more it should all be good.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:54 pm

My DD is 17, and she's seeing all of her friends getting married right now. She has no interest at all.

I've given her total freedom in this department. She can date as long as she wants, she can include me in her decisions - or not. She's allowed to have male friends, so she's not awkward around the opposite gender, and can get a realistic picture of what guys can be like. If she falls in love with a guy she's best friends with, then that's even better.

Right now, she wants to focus on getting into a good college. Her long term plan is to maybe get married years from now, and to foster at-risk teenagers. (She has a genetic condition, and doesn't want to risk having children of her own. She thinks that there are too many kids in the system who she can help, and that will be satisfying for her. She also doesn't like babies.)

Who knows what her future will hold? I'm not worried, because she is independent, intelligent, discerning, and very happy with where she is holding right now. The stronger she becomes as a single girl, the better wife she will be when she decides to settle down.

amother

Mauve

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 8:06 pm

crust wrote:

I understand you OP.

I was also petrified at first. Its very nice to hear all the advice about shidduchim in theory but its a whole different ball game when the girl is actually your own.

It took me time to settle into this world but by now I am much more confident that there are good methods to research boys. Its not hit or miss.

Are you willing to share? (please!)

amother

Mauve

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 8:12 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

At 17, all of her friends are getting married? I just don't get this. Why?

amother

Azure

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 8:17 pm

amother [ Puce ] wrote:

I used to feel the same as the OP feels. Especially since my marriage isnt great. Looking back there were many red flags. I was so clueless.

So this is the thing about red flags. We learn to recognize them based on our life experience. But how to train kids to recognize them and take them seriously before they have life experience?

ExtraCredit

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 8:19 pm

crust wrote:

No magic secrets
Just a ton of hard work and researching how to do research.

Like parenting or business. You can learn from other people.

Ok. I’ll start researching how to research how to do research. One step at a time! Thanks!

amother

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 8:28 pm

Thank you all. Your valuable responses mean more than I can express.
I know I’m “ Being ridiculous”
I didn’t think this phase in our life would actually be so painful, my heart hurts.
And yet to everyone else, including my daughter, we make it sound so exciting.

ExtraCredit

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 8:31 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I completely understand your concern. May you have lots of siyata dishmaya in this parsha and in all others!

amother

Chartreuse

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 8:53 pm

crust wrote:

Im the queen of "checkers" (checking people out).

My daughter recently dated someone who seemed like such a good catch, until accidentally we found stuff out. No references, friends, relatives, neighbors, etc would have ever mentioned the issues this boy has. Some know, some may not know. I wouldnt even dare to bring up what the issues were, because I'll definitely be accused of lieing or being off my rocker.

This statement " I am much more confident that there are good methods to research boys. Its not hit or miss." deserves a spinoff. Crust, please respond, and share your thoughts and advice.

crust

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 9:08 pm

amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:

Ok. If I can ask for one thing here then its this: please don't say that I have a fool proof method for researching a boy and all of klal yisroel is now going to live happily ever after after using the method of Crust&Co. (TM)

Im not going to post here because some things are community nuanced for lack of a better word.

Its hard to put myself out there especially under my SN.

Maybe when I'll be back from Lancaster I'll have the patience to do a little write up on this topic.

Wink

ExtraCredit

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 9:09 pm

crust wrote:

There’s a whole new thread about it where you were called upon to answer. Get to Lancaster and back already, will you?

miami85

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 9:14 pm

I had a friend who got married less than a year after seminary and I was "scared" for her, I personally felt it was too soon to get married, I wanted to "live my life a little".--She just made her first bar mitzvah, still very happily married. I know someone who just got married at almost 27 and despite being told she was "aiming too high" or that "he doesn't exist"--she found him and she looks so happy. I got married later than I wanted to, but I married my bashert. Not that life is so easy all the time, nor is our marriage perfect and he misses a few checkmarks in my book, but he's a great guy and a mentsch. B"H now that I'm out of high school 15+ years among people I know many more are married than not

BH Yom Yom

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 10:29 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

FranticFrummie, your DD is an inspiration. It sounds like you have raised a thought-out, mature, and self-aware young woman. Thank you for sharing her and your approach to her dating.