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HS Girl unhappy negative uncooperative

 
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Aug 02 2020, 5:46 pm
Wonderful bh talented 9 grader didnt want to go to school all year.

In camp doesnt want to partcipate with activivities.

Good mom who is supportive and doesnt criticize much. tried everything.

Keeps few friends from ES. Friends in a different school - she wouldnt want to go to their school either. speclains why every school/ camp not good for her.

Nice looking kid, has great potential, good student, artisitic, swims, could be so much fun - no idea what happened - any specialized help with proven success to reach to a teenager and give them goals and positivity? get to the root and work on it?

TY
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ssspectacular




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Aug 02 2020, 6:27 pm
Did you try therapy?
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Aug 02 2020, 6:46 pm
yes, tried therapy

would anyone have an excellent therpaist specialize in such unmotivated situations?
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amother




Blue
 

Post  Sun, Aug 02 2020, 7:08 pm
Try to boost her self esteem, compliments, read books on the topic especially for teens and try to implement the ideas
Have experience with the same .. wish I would've taken her for professional help for this
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QueensMama




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Aug 02 2020, 7:10 pm
Could she be depressed?
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amother




Brown
 

Post  Sun, Aug 02 2020, 7:57 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
yes, tried therapy

would anyone have an excellent therpaist specialize in such unmotivated situations?

Whare are you located?
What happened until now? Was she happy before high school? Is she a good student?
Dies she have friends in high school?
9th grade is really tough!
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dankbar




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Aug 03 2020, 9:29 am
Did something happen in school to trigger this?
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nchr




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Aug 03 2020, 9:32 am
I can totally relate. Not sure if the reasoning is the same, but I found the school scene, camp scene and friends to be pointless. I liked the academic part of school but never participated in what I viewed as childish stuff. Maybe talk to her about this?
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amother




Forestgreen
 

Post  Mon, Aug 03 2020, 9:55 am
Sounds like depression or anxiety. Could be normal teenage stuff, or maybe Lyme, pandas, hormonal imbalances.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Aug 03 2020, 11:17 am
Fasten your seat belt mama, you're in for a bumpy ride!

I don't know your daughter, so I could be wrong, but from my experience my first thought was HORMONES! 13/14 are really hard years, going from being a kid to being a teenager. She's probably moody as heck, and has no idea why. I'm sure she'd be happier if she could.

When DD was heading into that age, I told her "You are going to feel terrible. Your are going to have bad moods, be impossible to live with, and probably hate me. Everything is going to be a big deal, and you will be really frustrated. I am probably going to get tired of hearing you whine, and I may snap at you for it. Let's make a deal together. I'll do my best to cut you some slack, and you try to cut me some slack as well. We can get through this together. I promise it will be better in a couple more years as your body adjusts."

Every now and then I would remind her of our "pact" to weather these years as a team, and I think it made a huge difference. It also validated her feelings and made her feel safe in expressing her emotions. I also told her that "I wouldn't be her age again for all the money in the world!"

If your DD seems to really be hating life, is losing interest in things she used to love, or is sleeping and/or eating more than usual, then talk to her doctor about getting evaluated for an antidepressant. Doctors are reluctant to prescribe that young, but they will if there is a clear need.

DD is 17 now. She started Zoloft last year, and she says that it has made an enormous improvement in her life.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Aug 19 2020, 11:33 am
Dad left Torah and left family when kid was 4.

Kid was happy and all was good. till HS.

Liked by teachers and friends. but she doesnt do her part.
Didnt want to talk to therapist.

Doesnt explain what she wants.

Any school suggested, she would explain why its not good for her..

Keeps in touch with some friends, likes outing with them, into appearance and food, so I wouldnt call it a depression.

Thankfully her school wants her and wants to help! she is not interested.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Aug 19 2020, 11:41 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Dad left Torah and left family when kid was 4.

Kid was happy and all was good. till HS.

Liked by teachers and friends. but she doesnt do her part.
Didnt want to talk to therapist.

Doesnt explain what she wants.


Any school suggested, she would explain why its not good for her..

Keeps in touch with some friends, likes outing with them, into appearance and food, so I wouldnt call it a depression.

Thankfully her school wants her and wants to help! she is not interested.


She doesn't know what she wants, she just knows what she doesn't want. She probably can't even describe the emotions she's feeling, as she hasn't developed the skills to label them accurately yet.

You are still the adult here. You can take her to a therapist, but you can't make her talk. Still, it's worth taking her anyway. She may decide to open up there anyway.

Tell her that she's going to the therapist so she can talk about everything that is wrong in her life, and all the stuff she hates. Once she gets going in her negative cycle, the therapist can start to tease out some of the details, and maybe help her start seeing things from a different angle.

She may resent you now, but when she turns 18 there's a good chance she'd turn around and say "Why didn't you get me help? You knew I was unhappy!" (Because you are a mom, and everything is your fault, and you can't win. Hug )

Your kid needs you to take charge, she just doesn't know it yet.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Aug 19 2020, 11:46 am
delete
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oneofakind




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Aug 19 2020, 11:47 am
I second Frantic Frummie. She got older and smarter and hormonal and full of feelings she can't express. She needs to find herself.
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amother




Cerise
 

Post  Wed, Aug 19 2020, 11:48 am
Many things that seem to be tolerated well at one point in life get expressed in adolescence (and old age, but that's a separate topic.) Also, how are her social skills?

I suggest putting her in a situation that plays to her strengths so she can feel successful and like a giver. If she likes to bake, she can do that and feed the family or donate what she makes to an organization. If she does well with kids, set that up. You say she's artistic- maybe she can do that with kids or decorate a room in a community center, etc. Kids this age really benefit from practical ways to get self esteem, where they see their efforts bearing fruit.

Giving her access to a great mentor would also be really good, if you can set it up. Basically putting this person in her life somehow without doing it explicitly, whether it's working with the school to get her a certain teacher or something else.

Not easy. Hatzlachah.
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amother




Cerise
 

Post  Wed, Aug 19 2020, 11:50 am
Also, in the world of therapy, I would give her a few more chances with the therapist. But if she is artsy, I would suggest art therapy. She can express herself in a way that doesn't require words, and this can lead to healing that can include words, or even just healing through the art. And she may be more likely to go if she gets to do something she likes. Make sure the therapist knows she's not starting from scratch with art, so they plan things according.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Sep 06 2020, 10:42 am
amother [ Cerise ] wrote:
Many things that seem to be tolerated well at one point in life get expressed in adolescence (and old age, but that's a separate topic.) Also, how are her social skills?

I suggest putting her in a situation that plays to her strengths so she can feel successful and like a giver. If she likes to bake, she can do that and feed the family or donate what she makes to an organization. If she does well with kids, set that up. You say she's artistic- maybe she can do that with kids or decorate a room in a community center, etc. Kids this age really benefit from practical ways to get self esteem, where they see their efforts bearing fruit.

Giving her access to a great mentor would also be really good, if you can set it up. Basically putting this person in her life somehow without doing it explicitly, whether it's working with the school to get her a certain teacher or something else.

Not easy. Hatzlachah.


Love the idea of a good mentor

cant get one without top dollars

and no dollars available

;-(
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amother




Chartreuse
 

Post  Sun, Sep 06 2020, 10:45 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Love the idea of a good mentor

cant get one without top dollars

and no dollars available

;-(

The Jewish Board has a big sister program.
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ra_mom




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Sep 06 2020, 10:46 am
It could be she was fine until change was forced onto her (and everyone else) for high school. She is suffering and can't handle the transition.
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amother




Copper
 

Post  Sun, Sep 06 2020, 10:51 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Love the idea of a good mentor

cant get one without top dollars

and no dollars available

;-(


If she’s in BY of Monsey, some teachers on staff are seriously excellent. I could post more info as to who would be a good resource if applicable.
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