I've had enough with her.

amother

Mon, Aug 03 2020, 8:32 pm

My daughter is almost 9 and she is constantly whining. She cries at the drop of a hat and loses her temper all the time.
She literally drains the energy out of our home.
I know she is struggling with emotional regulation but nothing seems to help her.
I try validation, giving her attention, the nurtured heart approach, cooperative problem solving.
She is perfectly mannered and kind and resourceful outside of the home but here she is either yelling, whining or crying.
She has a therapist but nothing seems to help. She has the "tools" and can teach them back to me, but in the moment she does not resort to those tools.
Any advice please?

amother

Red

Mon, Aug 03 2020, 8:34 pm

Maybe she needs a change of scenario? A family trip? Being at home a lot can make anyone crazy, vacation can help. And then hopefully once school starts, things will calm down

amother

Mon, Aug 03 2020, 8:53 pm

amother [ Red ] wrote:

Maybe she needs a change of scenario? A family trip? Being at home a lot can make anyone crazy, vacation can help. And then hopefully once school starts, things will calm down

She is in day camp. This is not new, its just not getting better and I am at my wits end. She also recently went away.

amother

Red

Mon, Aug 03 2020, 8:57 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

She is in day camp. This is not new, its just not getting better and I am at my wits end. She also recently went away.

I’m so sorry, that’s so rough.. especially that you say she upsets everyone when she gets like that. Do you think she is mature enough for a whole family sit down and discussion? Sort of like a family intervention but about how her attitude really affects the ones that love her, and you want to see her happy

behappy2

Mon, Aug 03 2020, 9:03 pm

Did you try consenquences? You don't mention that in your OP. Does she get disciplined for her whining and losing herself? Some kids need plain old fashioned discipline.

Are ther other issues? Sensory for example. What sets her off?

imasinger

Mon, Aug 03 2020, 9:06 pm

If she's not acting like that at camp, it's probably some combination of tiredness, hunger, and bad habit.

- try giving her supper earlier, or a substantial snack, and lots to drink.

- try giving her sensory opportunities to regroup -- shaving cream in the bathtub, other squishy things

- be sure to "catch her being good" and praise behavior you like.

- help her rephrase whiny requests, and then find a solution

- make sure to offer her lots of choices whenever her mood starts to slide, it helps people keep control. The red crayon, or the blue one? The apple, or the orange? This chair, or that one?

amother

Amber

Mon, Aug 03 2020, 9:07 pm

I have a DS 9 yrs old similar to that. Cries all the time over anything and everything. Has a temper. Difference is he will do it out of the house to and in front of ppl. It's hard. It says the energy out of dh and I as well. Currently he is working with a therapist and I am changing his school to one that is smaller with more individual attention to boost his self esteem. (Among lots of other reasons for switching)

snowflake1

Mon, Aug 03 2020, 9:33 pm

This is so frustrating I completely can relate.

My daughter is like this when she does not have enough to eat drink but especially if her sleep is not regulated.
For example, last year she went to a friend overnight for the next two weeks she was acting really hard until we got her to sleep enough

Another one of my children acted like this when she had mono. She would have major temper tantrum‘s about nothing and start up with people

I’ve also heard that pinworms can make kids act like this.

Another thing to try is the problem-solving method from how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. This is a great book. If you want me to explain further I can. But you can probably Google the method
Lastly, I know this is furthest away from what you think, but sometimes spending more time with her in a positive way can help the negative cycle. Life is so hectic especially now but this may help. You can ask her what she would like to do with you. It doesn’t have to be out of the house even.
I hope something helps

amother

Babyblue

Mon, Aug 03 2020, 10:04 pm

It seems like you've given it enough work in the emotional realm. You've given her understanding, validation, therapy, tools.

According to your words - she seems to be functioning fine elsewhere. It seems that you need to take a more behavioral approach. Set boundaries, expect her to abide. You can validate any and all of her emotions - but the boundary/rule remains. This is the best gift you can give her and will help her regulate her emotions.
" I know that you're feeling XYZ, that's ok. I would probably also be frustrated/lonely/upset in that situation. You need to speak respectfully/ you cannot do ab&c/ you have to xyz., If you can't respect other people in the house you need to be in your room/ its ok if you need some space/time by yourself. I cannot speak to you this way" etc etc etc.
You're her mother - she needs you to keep her safe from her overwhelming emotions - sometimes she just needs that firmness along with the validation.

amother

Burlywood

Mon, Aug 03 2020, 10:34 pm

U have my deepest sympathy...

I’m currently raising such a daughter and although I’m a great mom to all other kids to her I’m a complete failure...

Hang in there and never lose hope. Keep rejuvenating yourself and keep praying for her...and know there are other moms out there that know ur pain and frustration.

P.s. at one point I came across the diagnosis of dmdd - disruptive mood dysregulationn disorder and felt it was quite on target with her

amother

Burlywood

Mon, Aug 03 2020, 10:42 pm

And also! Correct me if I’m wrong, these aren’t your run of the mill standard discipline techniques kids...all ideas mentioned above work in usual cases but not in these natured kids.

And yes for yeaaaars I believed if I’ll try this or that maybe things will improve
Ot
Pandas
Play therapy
Mono
Strept
Discipline
Parenting classes
Strict eating and sleepingroutine
Vitamins
And on and on and on

Until I had to come to terms that I’m raising a unique and gifted child and let’s hope I merit to teach her how to fly with her challenges instead of beat her down and squish all her capabilities.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Aug 04 2020, 2:12 am

Some kids get caught in a negative spiral, and it becomes a habit.

We know that with emunah and bitachon, we have to make an effort to seek out the good in life, even when things look bad at first. That doesn't come naturally!

Part of breaking negativity, is if you model positivity at every chance you get. Do NOT get sucked into her negative cycle. In fact, do the total opposite. Be cheerful and upbeat. Be annoyingly perky. You need to empathize with her, but then immediately put a positive spin on whatever is bugging her.

If you give me an example of a typical kvetch, I'll try and show you how to turn it around.

Believe me, over the years I've become an expert at it. Wink

trixx

Tue, Aug 04 2020, 3:27 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

1. Either home is her safe space where she can let down her guard
2. Or home is where she doesn't have firm enough boundaries so she keeps testing you and flexing her power

Does either ring true?

Rappel

Tue, Aug 04 2020, 4:06 am

trixx wrote:

1. Either home is her safe space where she can let down her guard
2. Or home is where she doesn't have firm enough boundaries so she keeps testing you and flexing her power

Does either ring true?

That's interesting. I've never seen those ideas laid out so clearly. Thank you.

amother

Burlywood

Tue, Aug 04 2020, 11:32 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

But in my personal experience this is very hurtful when people mention it since I’m an extremely easy natured positive calm person...it feels quite blaming and misunderstood when moms are told again and again they’re at fault or they can help change things... obviously modeling behavior doesn’t always work.