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Guilty Jewish mom syndrome: bocharim coming home late
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Aug 03 2020, 9:12 pm
My teenage son gets home from yeshiva between 8-9p.m. And I’m bombed at that hour. Literally have zero left to give after tending to the little ones for the past 13 hours.
All I want to do at that hour is pop some Tylenol and go for a nap. But I feel terribly bad for my son. It’s the only time of the day I get to see him and he deserves my attention and a nice warm chat. I’m just so worn out and tense by then that I can’t bring myself to do it. I give him a quick welcome and how are you? but don’t show enough interest cuz honestly I don’t feel anything by then. Hence the guilt. Anyone relate?
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amother




Jade
 

Post  Mon, Aug 03 2020, 9:22 pm
During the year my boys leave to school before I wake up and come home at night after I'm in bed.
What saved us is that they come home for lunch hour every day and I give them my full attention.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Aug 03 2020, 9:25 pm
amother [ Jade ] wrote:
During the year my boys leave to school before I wake up and come home at night after I'm in bed.
What saved us is that they come home for lunch hour every day and I give them my full attention.

Lunch at home would be perfect!! But that’s not the schedule.
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amother




Jade
 

Post  Mon, Aug 03 2020, 9:31 pm
Maybe you can do every other night or shabbos instead. I would reserve special times for him as often as possible, but not more.
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momX4




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Aug 03 2020, 10:00 pm
I drive my sons carpool once a week. We have 10 min of quality time after we drop off the last kid.
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amother




Beige
 

Post  Mon, Aug 03 2020, 10:09 pm
Can you have your nap and then get up and spend time with him? I imagine he's not going straight to sleep.
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amother




Lawngreen
 

Post  Mon, Aug 03 2020, 10:43 pm
I was that kid whose loving mother was always too exhausted by the younger kids to focus on me. I felt it. Please push yourself. Before you know it he'll be grown up.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Aug 03 2020, 11:01 pm
amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:
I was that kid whose loving mother was always too exhausted by the younger kids to focus on me. I felt it. Please push yourself. Before you know it he'll be grown up.

I know Crying
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Aug 03 2020, 11:02 pm
amother [ Beige ] wrote:
Can you have your nap and then get up and spend time with him? I imagine he's not going straight to sleep.

I don’t actually nap but ready for one, no energy...
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amother




Turquoise
 

Post  Mon, Aug 03 2020, 11:06 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My teenage son gets home from yeshiva between 8-9p.m. And I’m bombed at that hour. Literally have zero left to give after tending to the little ones for the past 13 hours.
All I want to do at that hour is pop some Tylenol and go for a nap. But I feel terribly bad for my son. It’s the only time of the day I get to see him and he deserves my attention and a nice warm chat. I’m just so worn out and tense by then that I can’t bring myself to do it. I give him a quick welcome and how are you? but don’t show enough interest cuz honestly I don’t feel anything by then. Hence the guilt. Anyone relate?


Try to get a nap during the day so you can stay up for him and spend quality time.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Aug 03 2020, 11:08 pm
amother [ Turquoise ] wrote:
Try to get a nap during the day so you can stay up for him and spend quality time.

Nice idea except that I work. If life would be that simple I wouldn’t have to post nor feel guilty. I’m not sure there are actual solutions but I needed to vent. I’ll try to focus on extra attention on shabbos as per one of the suggestions above.
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QueensMama




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Aug 03 2020, 11:30 pm
1. Buy him special treats. Slip it in his yeshivah bag/whisper in his ear that there's a treat waiting for him in the freezer when he comes home.

2. Write him loving notes for him to find.

3. Even if you only have five minutes, make them count. Greet him enthusiastically when he comes home, tell him how proud you are of him and how it makes you so happy to see him.

4. Once a semester or so, take him out of yeshivah for a day for Mommy and me time. Make it sound like its your treat-you're so excited to spend time with him!
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flmommy




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Aug 03 2020, 11:35 pm
QueensMama wrote:
1. Buy him special treats. Slip it in his yeshivah bag/whisper in his ear that there's a treat waiting for him in the freezer when he comes home.

2. Write him loving notes for him to find.

3. Even if you only have five minutes, make them count. Greet him enthusiastically when he comes home, tell him how proud you are of him and how it makes you so happy to see him.

4. Once a semester or so, take him out of yeshivah for a day for Mommy and me time. Make it sound like its your treat-you're so excited to spend time with him!


These are EXCELLENT suggestions. I wish I would have thought of them. You must be a great mom. Totally doable and meaningful.
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Mama Bear




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Aug 04 2020, 12:40 am
OP, I'm the same way. What I do is, I give my son literally five undivided minutes of attention. Once he sits down to eat supper he reads and he loses himself in his reading and I'm off the hook.
Btw I'm a little presumptuous to ask this, but is his father around?
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Aug 04 2020, 12:44 am
Mama Bear wrote:
OP, I'm the same way. What I do is, I give my son literally five undivided minutes of attention. Once he sits down to eat supper he reads and he loses himself in his reading and I'm off the hook.
Btw I'm a little presumptuous to ask this, but is his father around?

Yes bh and he gives him better attention than me! So at least he gets that. I like the 5 minute idea. Mine would get lost on a hotline.
. I’ll work on it, thanks.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Aug 04 2020, 12:45 am
QueensMama wrote:
1. Buy him special treats. Slip it in his yeshivah bag/whisper in his ear that there's a treat waiting for him in the freezer when he comes home.

2. Write him loving notes for him to find.

3. Even if you only have five minutes, make them count. Greet him enthusiastically when he comes home, tell him how proud you are of him and how it makes you so happy to see him.

4. Once a semester or so, take him out of yeshivah for a day for Mommy and me time. Make it sound like its your treat-you're so excited to spend time with him!

Beautiful!
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itsmeima




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Aug 04 2020, 12:55 am
amother [ Jade ] wrote:
During the year my boys leave to school before I wake up and come home at night after I'm in bed.
What saved us is that they come home for lunch hour every day and I give them my full attention.


Is this the norm? I’m horrified 😢

Are boys out from 6-9 (or later!)?
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Aug 04 2020, 12:56 am
itsmeima wrote:
Is this the norm? I’m horrified 😢

Are boys out from 6-9 (or later!)?

Mine from 7-8. Gets home about 8:30
He doesn’t mind the schedule, can maybe handle even more. I just wish he’d be around at an hour that I’m still functional.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Aug 04 2020, 3:12 am
itsmeima wrote:
Is this the norm? I’m horrified 😢

Are boys out from 6-9 (or later!)?


Yes, the extra seder is typical for yeshiva boys.

OP, I suggest you take the Tylenol 20 minutes before he gets home, so it kicks in sooner. When he gets home, make yourself a cup of coffee or tea, and sit with him while he eats dinner. That will give you a bit more energy, and time to chat.

He sounds like a lovely kid, enjoy!

If it's any consolation, most moms with busy families and boys in yeshiva are in the same boat. If you can push yourself for an extra 10 minutes, you'll really be glad you did.
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amother




Coral
 

Post  Tue, Aug 04 2020, 2:17 pm
So impressed that your teenage son wants to talk to you! Mine grunts responses to my one sided interview! We do shmooze on shabbos though when he's more relaxed. When he comes home at 10 at night he's exhausted too and just wants quiet/me time.
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