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Giving Ride to Work
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SixOfWands




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Aug 04 2020, 12:10 pm
She should be paying at least 50% of gas and parking expenses (if any), AND giving you occasional thank you gifts.

Once she started bargaining with you, she made clear that she viewed it as a business relationship, not as neighbors helping each other out, and you were perfectly within your rights in telling her that you want to terminate the business relationship.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Aug 04 2020, 1:09 pm
Raisin wrote:
I don't think you did anything wrong.

But you have been giving her a ride for 2 years and you are not friends yet? She's obviously odd.

To be honest we're not friends bcz. I've been resenting this for so long
We always chat and make friendly conversation, but this has been festering inside me . . .
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grace413




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Aug 04 2020, 1:14 pm
Kol Hakavod on being assertive. You did the right thing.
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boysrock




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Aug 04 2020, 1:54 pm
I drive about an hour to work so I know exactly how you feel. I am not so nice and rarely give others rides. I need my alone time. I do give a workmate rides home about 2x a week. I think it is really amazing that you gave someone a ride for so long wow!
It’s interesting I guess the culture is different but I would never think of asking her for money. I am going anyways. I wonder if she is so strapped for money, probably why she is taking extra days/hours and did not think to calculate the added expense since you did it for two years and didn’t seem to mind... I would never bargain but maybe she is doing it because she doesn’t have a choice. Then again two years of rides is unbelievable! I envy your chesed!!!
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Aug 04 2020, 1:58 pm
A couple of people have asked.
We have the same job.
Hence, similar salary.
She's mentioned several times that she does it for the mental stimulation not the salary.
She's a second income.
She owns a lovely house, most of which she just renovated.
It's not a money issue.
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amother




Babyblue
 

Post  Tue, Aug 04 2020, 2:50 pm
I will point out that not only is there gas costs but also wear and tear on you car. I see that it might be awkward to give someone cash, but for the past 2 years, she should be insisting on paying for the gas, at the pump, whenever you fill up with her in the car.

You are NOT wrong at all.
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Cheiny




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Aug 04 2020, 3:21 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
The threads about allowing or not allowing people to use pools has made me think.
I'd really love opinions on my dilemma.
I work in a huge medical center.
It's a half hour to 40 minute trip each way.
For the last two years I have been giving a woman in my neighborhood a ride to work.
She's not a friend, just someone who heard I drive to our mutual place of work.
She doesn't drive and the only way for her to get there is to take 3 busses.
She knew this when she took the job and has been wrangling rides with people for years.
When I stop to fill up the gas tank she never offers to pay or even contribute.
Before a few chagim she showed up with a toiletries gift bag, as a token of her appreciation.
This woman was recently asked to increase her work days.
When I was giving her a ride home she asked me if I'd be willing to give her rides on the extra days.
One of those please be honest questions.
So I honestly answered that I think she should contribute for gas.
She was really taken aback.
Since then she's texted me several times.
Asking price for trips, bargaining to lower the cost with explanations of mileage and gas prices.
By the way, the price I asked for door to door service was 5 shekel more than the 3 busses she would have to take.
I've really controlled myself.
Not mentioned that I've basically been a free taxi service for years.
But I've had it.
Told her I'm not comfortable with the bargaining and obviously this is not going to work and wishing her well.
So let me have it.
Am I horrible person?


No, not at all, she’s been taking terrible advantage of you and she should’ve offered on her own to help with gas, you shouldn’t have had to ask but you were right for doing so. Haggling about it, as she did, is just adding salt to the wound, and extremely cheap and classless IMHO.

I have a feeling she’s going to reconsider and call you back, offering to agree to your terms. Be prepared.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Aug 04 2020, 3:52 pm
Cheiny wrote:
No, not at all, she’s been taking terrible advantage of you and she should’ve offered on her own to help with gas, you shouldn’t have had to ask but you were right for doing so. Haggling about it, as she did, is just adding salt to the wound, and extremely cheap and classless IMHO.

I have a feeling she’s going to reconsider and call you back, offering to agree to your terms. Be prepared.

I also have that feeling.
Especially when her husband goes back to work.
Don't want to start a new thread.
Any advice in case that happens?
We are not in the same circles.
Never once have I bumped into her in the neighborhood. So not worried about it being awkward if I say no.
But if she comes crawling back I'd have to say yes.
Super uncomfortable daily situation.
Which I really don't need on my way to a job I don't even love. Crying


Last edited by amother on Tue, Aug 04 2020, 4:03 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Elfrida




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Aug 04 2020, 3:57 pm
Maybe ask for post dated cheques for a few months at a time?
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Aug 04 2020, 4:00 pm
Elfrida wrote:
Maybe ask for post dated cheques for a few months at a time?

Are you being sarcastic?
I'm really not a money hungry creep.
It's not the money.
It's the awkwardness and tension I'd be worried about.
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twizzlers1




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Aug 04 2020, 4:03 pm
I didn't Read through every answer but most of them.I think she should have been contributing at least 50% all along and even more because of the wear and tear on your car. You are a very good person. I could never have done something so nice for so long for someone. I could definitely do it once in awhile but to do it on a regular basis while she never offered to pitch in for gas is probably too big of a chesed for me. and I give people rides often when it's here and there but nothing on a steady basis. someone who literally lives on my street offered me money to bring her daughter home from gan, I didn't accept the money until I was happy to do it when it worked out for me but I wasn't able to commit on a regular basis because I don't always come straight home. You should feel very confident in your decision!
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singleagain




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Aug 04 2020, 4:04 pm
If she asks again. "I'm so sorry it doesn't work for me" rinse. Repeat.
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amother




Violet
 

Post  Tue, Aug 04 2020, 4:06 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I also have that feeling.
Especially when her husband goes back to work.
Don't want to start a new thread.
Any advice in case that happens?
We are not in the same circles.
Never once have I bumped into her in the neighborhood. So not worried about it being awkward if I say no.
But if she comes crawling back I'd have to say yes.
Super uncomfortable daily situation.
Which I really don't need on my way to a job I don't even love. Crying

"I'm really sorry, we made it work until now but I will not be able to going forward. I'm sure you'll find another solution soon. Hatzlacha."
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Cheiny




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Aug 04 2020, 4:07 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I also have that feeling.
Especially when her husband goes back to work.
Don't want to start a new thread.
Any advice in case that happens?
We are not in the same circles.
Never once have I bumped into her in the neighborhood. So not worried about it being awkward.


That all depends on what you feel comfortable with. If you feel it’s just gone beyond anything you want to repair, then say, “No, I’m very sorry but unfortunately I won’t be able to do that any more.” If she asks why, just keep repeating that same line in a calm, neutral tone, giving zero explanations. Don’t get into it with her.

If you do want to go back to giving her rides, if you’d be completely comfortable doing so, and she agrees to all your terms and giving you a fair price for gas, etc., you can agree.

Or what I was thinking was, maybe a happy compromise might be telling her you can accommodate her on certain days, but not others, in order to minimize the frequency of having to deal with her and the stress and discomfort for you, and you can work out how much she should give you for those days. Then stick to your decision and do not let her twist your arm into giving her rides on other days.

It’s really all up to you, and whatever works out best for you. It’s not a chessed if it makes you feel uncomfortable or resentful. It’s just a burden.
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boysrock




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Aug 04 2020, 10:52 pm
Your amazing that you did it until now!!!! You need to do what is best for you!
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amother




Apricot
 

Post  Tue, Aug 04 2020, 11:51 pm
If you are going anyway, why does it bother you so much? Do you have to pick her up or does she meet you at your house?
If it's her lack of awareness and sensitivity that's the issue, I am glad you spoke to her rather than letting it fester inside you. You need to keep it neutral, cool and casual: "Sure, but I'm going to ask you to contribute x dollars a month toward transportation and maintenance costs, okay?"
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singleagain




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Aug 05 2020, 7:32 am
amother [ Apricot ] wrote:
If you are going anyway, why does it bother you so much? Do you have to pick her up or does she meet you at your house?
If it's her lack of awareness and sensitivity that's the issue, I am glad you spoke to her rather than letting it fester inside you. You need to keep it neutral, cool and casual: "Sure, but I'm going to ask you to contribute x dollars a month toward transportation and maintenance costs, okay?"


I don't want to speak for OP. But as a driver, my car is my sanctuary. It's a place where it's just my space. When I'm driving alone, I can be with my thoughts and blast my music or sit in silence or call up a good friends to talk about stuff I don't want to put in text. And this way there is no chance of anyone overhearing. If I decide to suddenly go a different way or make a stop, it's only my time I'm wasting.

Taking someone else interrupts all of that.

Plus, if it's a work thing. What if you or the other person is running late? I prefer to stay late and finish my work. I can't do that if someone else is sitting there foot tapping, watch staring waiting for me. What if you or she have an early meeting, I don't want to have to wake up and start my day an hour earlier bc of someone else.
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amother




Aquamarine
 

Post  Wed, Aug 05 2020, 7:50 am
I once had a job with about a 1 hour commute. I had a ride door to door, I paid him the same as it would cost me to take a bus.

The bus was next to my house, but it would require a taxi from the bus stop to work.

Currently I give a couple of counselors a ride to day camp. I dont mind, I need to drive my daughter anyways. I informed them that I cant wait, since I cant be late for work.
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amother




Floralwhite
 

Post  Wed, Aug 05 2020, 8:16 am
amother [ Apricot ] wrote:
If you are going anyway, why does it bother you so much? Do you have to pick her up or does she meet you at your house?
If it's her lack of awareness and sensitivity that's the issue, I am glad you spoke to her rather than letting it fester inside you. You need to keep it neutral, cool and casual: "Sure, but I'm going to ask you to contribute x dollars a month toward transportation and maintenance costs, okay?"


It's about someone being selfish and inconsiderate.

I am glad to give an occasional ride as a favor. I have given rides on a long-term basis for someone in need. But when a coworker, who I drove occasionally as a favor, wanted to change to ongoing status for her convenience, that's exactly what she said when I asked her to contribute toward the cost of gas. "You're going there anyway, so why should I?" If I didn't drive her, she would have paid for the subway, so she was expecting to commute for free rather than share. Not nice.
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watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Aug 05 2020, 8:19 am
amother [ Apricot ] wrote:
If you are going anyway, why does it bother you so much? Do you have to pick her up or does she meet you at your house?
If it's her lack of awareness and sensitivity that's the issue, I am glad you spoke to her rather than letting it fester inside you. You need to keep it neutral, cool and casual: "Sure, but I'm going to ask you to contribute x dollars a month toward transportation and maintenance costs, okay?"

This is probably how the coworker sees it also. But 1)OP said she is picking up and dropping her off door to door and 2)as others have said, in Israel people receive a stipend for transportation to work. This women is pocketing that. Thats not right. Just like I would pay a carpool if I cant contribute to the driving, someone who has a driver pays.
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