Pushing off an Upsherin/Chalaka?

amother

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 8:15 am

Have you ever celebrated your son's 3rd birthday, but pushed off the haircut, because the child is not emotionally ready? Not interested in a haircut, kippah, tzitzis? Also not really interested in potty training? Just very stubborn and not interested.

How does that work if he's starting cheder in September?

amother

Blue

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 8:22 am

I had to push it off and was grateful for that. It was the 3 weeks. Child wasn’t ready and neither was I! To be honest, it wouldn’t have made that much of a difference to my son if we cut his hair, but since he was my youngest, my baby... I was very happy to wait longer.
About toilet training... I also used to think they had to be trained before wearing tzitzis but my friend pointed out that men wear their tzitzis in the bathroom so little boys can wear with a diaper! Of course, it encouraged me to help with training once he had tzitzis but the main thing is not to pressure the child rather encourage him.

amother

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 8:23 am

He's made it pretty clear with his very limited verbal skills that he will not be cooperating for any haircut.

And, let's say he does get his hair cut, but then refuses to wear a kippah and tzitzis? That would be very awkward for us. I'd much rather a boy with a long ponytail who looks like he's still 2 if he's not going to agree to wear a kippah.

amother

Orchid

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 8:24 am

Can't answer the first part as my son was the youngest in his class so was very excited about getting his haircut. But as far as potty training, one has nothing to do with the other. Some people don't put on tzitzis until the boy is potty trained and some do but either way he can still get a haircut and yarmulka.

amother

Orchid

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 8:26 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

What do you think will change if you wait? If its about being stubborn I've found it only gets worse the longer you wait

amother

Bisque

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 8:28 am

My DS is very immature and has speech issues. However we cut his hair on time (he didn't enjoy it but got over it quickly and enjoyed his new look). That was 3 months ago and while he agrees to put tzitzit (we don't give much choice, it's a shirt we put under his normal shirt), he usually doesn't wear his kippa for more than a few minutes. However I'd prefer to be in this stage of having already introduced everything and allowing him to acclimatize than to push it off indefinitely.

He's been toilet trained since he was 2.5, and would need to be toilet trained for cheder anyway. Toilet training is a messy nightmare but it needs to be done eventually.

amother

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 8:28 am

I did push off my older son's chalakah, it was sefira. But this time I'm talking about deliberately pushing it off, since the child probably won't cooperate, or agree to wear a kippah afterwards.

The potty training is a separate issue, but I think it's all connected to his stubbornness, and refusal to be big. He doesn't like pressure, I guess. I really don't know to what extent he understands what an upsherin even means.

So hard not to compare to my older boy, who was so much more verbal, well behaved and aware of what is going on. I almost question if I should get the younger one evaluated....

amother

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 8:32 am

I see that most ladies are suggesting I do not push off the haircut, even if that means he won't wear a kippah. But how would I technically go about cutting his hair if he's a stubborn little guy who is just not interested? He's a wild child. I'm certainly not paying for barber if he's just going to scream and run off. Even at home, not sure how we'll manage with a cutting machine, and scissors are just plain dangerous with an unruly child.

SuperWify

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 8:33 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Sounds sensory to me... why not get him evaluated? OT really helps.

amother

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 8:37 am

SuperWify wrote:

Sounds sensory to me... why not get him evaluated? OT really helps.

I'm happy to hear you think it might be sensory and not a mental delay, B"H. He's very sensory, yes. I can go about the evaluation thing, but through insurance, it takes a long time. What can I do in the interim to help him deal? I did find with my other kids that they all outgrew their sensory issues to some extent.

Rappel

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 8:38 am

Why not have him cut his own hair with a buzzer, and then neaten it up afterward?

DS was not ready for a big chalakeh party when he turned 3, so we meet his friends in the park and did "honey and aleph-bet," and then we went home and he, DH, and DH's dad all cut each others' hair. It was a very cute, fun activity, and by the time we were going to cut DS's hair it was a natural part of the game, and he was surrounded only by family in the comfort of his home. He's loved using the machine ever since.

amother

Navy

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 9:10 am

May I ask where you live?
In Lakewood there is a Wonderful young man who comes to your house with a special chair and Entertains the kids. My grandkids did not cry, ( they definitely would have otherwise) in fact they were happy to be the center of attention.

amother

White

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 9:24 am

My son was kicking and spitting at anyone who came near him at his upsherenish. It was on a day that halachically, if we needed to cut his hair, it all had to come off that particular day.

I will NOT torture my son for the sake of Yiddishkeit. Although people were starting to put on pressure, I said, NO we will not cut his hair today. I called the Rov, who backed me up, and I explained to the pressure givers that the Rov had been called, so that they would stop with the pressure.
He is about to go into Kindergarten now and still becomes hysterical if anyone mentions hair cutting. The school he is starting in states in its handbook words to the effect that boys need to have normal looking haircuts, so I cut his hair when he's sleeping and hope it looks normal enough for them. I always wonder if he'll be upset when he sees himself in the mirror but he rarely looks in the mirror and doesn't fuss when he wakes up to less hair.
I understand that many cheyedorim would not deal with a child like mine, who is my easiest, sweetest child, simply because he doesn't "look the part" but I am thankful not to be in such circles. I have the feeling that when be'H he is under the chupah, in good time, he will have a "normal" haircut.

amother

White

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 9:29 am

Our son before this is actually a hugely nervous, stressed, sensory, hysterical type and I had consulted the rav about it, and his words were "You don't have to drive him crazy".
He was hiding under a chair but a bunch of lollies shoved in his hands and a fancy looking disposable table cloth draped over a chair to make a throne for him to stand on, plus a pushka and coins to keep him busy made him super happy to get his hair cut. I think someone also gave him play doh to play with during the event.
I thought his brother would be so much easier, but for some reason, he doesn't deal with haircuts right now.

Sunny Days

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 9:29 am

I had a student with special needs that their rebbi said not to give haircut/wear tzitzis till he’s mentally/emotionally on a 3 yo level. But, I I believe it’s a pretty strong minhag in certain circles so definitely check in with your mora derech if that’s your minhag & you go that route.

Where are you located- in the states? You’re probably too late for EI eval, but can start process for cpse eval.

amother

Blue

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 9:34 am

You don’t push it off because he’s stubborn.
One of my boys had major sensory issues and my husband held him on his lap while he got his hair cut (and we gave him a lollipop to lick too).
It takes a few minutes and bH it doesn’t hurt!
The rest of growing up will slowly follow... but you don’t give in for a painless procedure because he’s a difficult child.