Do your kids ever hear you say that they're annoying?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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amother

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 2:46 pm

For example, if my child is asking me to close every single light in the house so that it's dark enough to fall asleep- I sometimes whisper- "s/he is so annoying!" I think they might hear me. How terrible is this?

I want to apologize, but I don't want to tell them if they didn't even hear me!

amother

Beige

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 2:55 pm

Please never say this. This is the type of thing that can ruin your relationship with your kids forever. If they hear you they will fully believe that's what you think of them and will feel unloved.

amother

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 2:57 pm

amother [ Beige ] wrote:

Please never say this. This is the type of thing that can ruin your relationship with your kids forever. If they hear you they will fully believe that's what you think of them and will feel unloved.

so has the damage been done and no way to fix it?

thunderstorm

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 3:00 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

so has the damage been done and no way to fix it?

The best way to fix it is to stop the behavior. Then counter act whatever that was done with lots of positive and loving comments going forward. Child rearing is a learning experience. The point is to learn from our mistakes and to improve.

Just One

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 3:04 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

This. Your children's growing up years consist of many moments. One bad moment won't counteracts all the good ones.

Rappel

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 3:06 pm

Never. Instead:

"I'm feeling annoyed right now. I don't want to be a nasty imma. So I'm going to go calm down for a few minutes in the living room, and then I'll come back and give you a kiss. I love you, see you soon!"

Or some version thereof.

"I" statements, explanations, and clear lists of action change the tone of the conversation and give you back the command-role of imma far better than labelling in anger.

PS- if you do accidentally call your kids bad labels, and you're not sure they heard you, I think you can counter-balance it by telling them to their faces: "you're kind/patient/smart/strong/, beautiful/etc" As often as you can. 20-30 times a day, even. They'll believe you.

happy chick

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 3:11 pm

I would faster tell the child directly why I'm feeling annoyed. Not just for children but adults too, talking behind someone's back is worse than hearing it straight.

amother

Khaki

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 3:26 pm

Yes dh and I always says how annoying they are, it’s terrible. We also show a lot of love physically and verbally. Hopefully it balances out to the positive. We did discuss it very recently and decided the main thing to avoid getting annoyed is to be fully present each moment but that can be hard as we do have other things to do in life besides the kids

amother

Natural

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 3:27 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My DH calls the kids this all the time. I have told him to stop but he doesn’t listen. 😤

amother

Sienna

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 3:28 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It’s very terrible. Sometimes when mothers here talk about how they’re going nuts from their kids and can’t wait till they get out their hair and how miserable they are I always wonder how they don’t know the kids can hear it and even if they don’t you can be sure those feelings get communicated to them.
Kids grow up believing everything their parents say and if a kid gets the idea that their parent thinks they’re a bother, or whatever they’ll internalize it and grow up with no self esteem.

amother

Aqua

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 3:37 pm

amother [ Natural ] wrote:

My DH calls the kids this all the time. I have told him to stop but he doesn’t listen. 😤

same

PeanutMama

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 3:42 pm

I grew up with my stepdad complaining to my mother that I was stupid and I would never find my way in life and that no one will love me (just because I misbehaved or got a bad grade
on a test). My mother defended me but I heard most of it and I ended up getting depressed as a teen.
It took me a long time to learn that he was just not a good “dad”.

amother

Coral

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 3:42 pm

I-statements sound stilted and artificial and put an emotional distance between you and your children.

Rappel

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 3:54 pm

amother [ Coral ] wrote:

I-statements sound stilted and artificial and put an emotional distance between you and your children.

How so?

amother

Violet

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 4:12 pm

All of you on your high horses- get down. Kids are annoying little creatures. They’re also delicious and lovable And wonderful and so fun and satisfying to watch , but kids by definition are annoying.

Now- tone of voice matters a lot. Context matters a lot.

Let’s say we have two moms, Sarah and Rachel.

Sarah never yells at her kids, bites her tongue when they are being difficult, gives them the mandatory hugs, prepares their snacks and meals lovingly, yet still portrays to her children that they annoying and a bother by her body language and feelings she keeps inside (kids know, trust me). They grow up to be depressed and anxious, and they don’t even know why, because their mom was a superstar so what’s wrong with them.

Rachel on the other hand has a flying house sometimes, doesn’t always remember to buy the right snacks, doesn’t always stay 100% on top of appointments and homework, yellS occasionally, yet her kids grow up feeling loved and cared for and continue that cycle with their children.

Why?

Because when Rachel’s 7 year old son Ben was flicking the light on and off A thousand times, she kindly and lovingly told him “Ben, the activity is bothering some other people and is annoying me too a little bit. Come, let’s find you something else to do.”

Vs Sarah, who kept her mouth shut yet stewed in her own resentment and gave her son the death glare.

Now most of us moms have moments of both kinds, and it won’t damage a child when unideal stuff happens sometimes. The problem starts when this happens over and over again, and at a certain point apologies don’t make a difference anymore.

Just make sure you don’t get to that point. If you apologize, include a change of behavior in that apology.

Most of us are doing a better job than we give ourselves credit for.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 4:38 pm

Never, EVER tell your child that they are annoying, bothersome, stupid, crazy, etc. Kids are not bad, sometimes the things they do are bad. Sometimes they make bad choices. That doesn't mean that it reflects on their core existence.

Feel free to label the specific behavior, though. "Dovi, it's really annoying when you bang on the floor like that. Could you please play quieter?" By labeling the behavior, the child is now empowered to change the situation, without taking it personally. Even better, when your child chooses to change the behavior, now you have an opportunity to praise them for it.

Believe me, even little kids know the difference between you telling them that they are in some way not what you want. Just let them know what behavior you would prefer to see from them. You really don't want them to grow up with your voice in their head, telling them negative things about themselves. Otherwise, you're just planting the seeds of future insecurity and low self esteem.

amother

Black

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 4:56 pm

The Actions whining, teasing Yelling a child does is annoying. A CHILD is not annoying.
I will say to my children or grandkids
“ what you are doing/ saying is not right, bothering etc”

amother

Indigo

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 9:43 pm

Oh my we have some amazing ladies here! I for one did and do tell my kids when they’re being annoying. And they bH turned out okay, in fact they’re known to be very polite and considerate bH. I don’t believe in this current approach of tiptoeing around. Nu, sometimes kids are annoying (just like sometimes we are too), better they should hear it from us than go out into the world and expect people to put up with them. It’s not doing anyone any favors to treat them like delicate glass and then once they hit adulthood the real world comes as a shock. Better to get honest feedback now from someone who loves them and is trying to help them grow.

amother

Red

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 10:31 pm

I have a relative who does this, called her daughter annoying or weird since she’s a little kid. She is also a very devoted mother who would do anything for her kids. Now that daughter is older and seems to love and appreciate her mother more than normal.

Still, I would never call my child any names. You never know what damage you’re causing if they end up believing your description.

trixx

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 11:22 pm

amother [ Indigo ] wrote:

There's a difference between telling an older child that they're being annoying (while doing an annoying action) and giving vibes that you're annoyed by the EXISTENCE of the child which I'd what the above posters are picking up on here

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