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High Strung Children, Mom Up in Arms
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Aug 05 2020, 10:51 pm
G-d has given me 5 little children, who have boundless amounts of energy, out of the box creativity, they are fiercely independent, feisty, risk-takers to boot, stubborn like anything, completely self directed... and I CANNOT KEEP UP WITH THEM!!!!! I find myself running from one crisis to another unable to catch my breath. They are forever getting into major trouble in school & at home, being that they are completely fearless & authority doesn’t mean anything to them. Oh, and the fighting and noise... Im constantly on high alert & feel like I’m in a perpetual war zone. I’ve tried so many parenting classes, reads countless books, alas my children don’t ‘respond’ how they should. I feel like my home is spiraling out of control & am just about to give up and throw in the towel. If you have children similar to mine, WHAT has worked for you?? Should I take yet another parenting course? Seek a therapist? What can you recommend?
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familyfirst




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Aug 05 2020, 11:56 pm
That’s very difficult
Especially if. Him den have different dispositions than their mom

Just saying that very very often these children turn out to be very successful adults
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Aug 06 2020, 7:23 am
Xanax, for all of you. ChillPill ChillPill ChillPill

Sorry, I wish I could be of more help. Is DH out at work all day?

It sounds like you need to hire a mother's helper to give you a hand until he comes home. There's no shame in admitting that your plate is full.

Even a teenager can do art projects with the older ones, while you keep an eye on the baby and toddler.
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amother




Gray
 

Post  Thu, Aug 06 2020, 7:57 am
What ff said- you must hire help. Physical hands on help. So that you don't turn into a shmatte. You must preserve your strength for more important things like nurturing their emotional health, positive discipline, etc.

How old are they and what typically do they do for trouble?
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amother




Slateblue
 

Post  Thu, Aug 06 2020, 8:04 am
amother [ Gray ] wrote:
What ff said- you must hire help. Physical hands on help. So that you don't turn into a shmatte. You must preserve your strength for more important things like nurturing their emotional health, positive discipline, etc.

How old are they and what typically do they do for trouble?


Beware, that helps but doesn't necessarily solve the issue. I have hired help, children get play dates and they are still loonies who only listen very selectively. I feel like a crazy person for how often I need to reprimand and scream at them and I'm just trying to focus on their middos.
At a certain point we gotta just focus on the good in them and roll with it. Wish I could be more helpful but I'm in the same boat as you.
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amother




Slategray
 

Post  Thu, Aug 06 2020, 8:07 am
I feel for you!
Parenting classes are great but sounds like you need one on one to get direction and guidance for your daily life.
Can you find someone who you trust who gets results and whose approach resonates for you who can guide you in your specific parenting situation and work with them?
Also, second the suggestion for more hired help at the same time to source out that which you can and help you have the time and energy to get on top of turning the situation around.
Also, this is most likely a temporary situation based on your children's ages and should get easy as they get older.
Do you have anyone in real life whose a bit ahead of you in terms of ages of children whose parenting approach you admire? It can help as a supplement to get tips from a friend who is in a bit older stage.
You definitely want to get a handle on channeling your children's strengths toward success. The no respect for authority is an issue you do need to address for your sake as well as theirs.
hugs and hatzlocha
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amother




Gray
 

Post  Thu, Aug 06 2020, 10:17 am
amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:
Beware, that helps but doesn't necessarily solve the issue. I have hired help, children get play dates and they are still loonies who only listen very selectively. I feel like a crazy person for how often I need to reprimand and scream at them and I'm just trying to focus on their middos.
At a certain point we gotta just focus on the good in them and roll with it. Wish I could be more helpful but I'm in the same boat as you.

You're right, it's the first step.
After that you must parent effectively.
Children can not be allowed to be in charge of the household, it is too much power for their little selves.
The good thing is that children grow up and grow out of most behaviors.
Can you describe what you are screaming and reprimanding them for often? What behaviors necessitate that?
Please share, I'm all ears, zero judgment.
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mha3484




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Aug 06 2020, 10:45 am
I have 4 kids 2 of them are very challenging and the third one is a real sweetie pie but hes super feisty and fights back against the other two when they try and boss him around. My baby is well a baby.

For me I am a HUGE HUGE fan of pick my battles parenting. I learned the hard way when my oldest (10) was a toddler you can never win a power struggle with a toddler. NEVER. DONT EVEN TRY. THEY ALWAYS WIN. Once I stopped trying things got a lot calmer. Then I needed to figure out the next step. I didnt want to be a super pushover but the constant cycle of time outs was not working either. There had to be some middle ground.

Hasghcha pratis was that our Jewish Federation hosts a speaker every year for day school parents and Ross Greene who wrote the explosive child was the speaker. I felt like his method of collaborating with kids versus dictating to them really spoke to me and I have been using it ever since. I have a pretty calm home these days. My kids get crazy and wild but we can usually deal with it and it rarely ends in yelling or door slamming.

The book is a must read for kids who are more behaviorally challenging. You can also go to the website www.livesinthebalance.org and read a lot about the ideas and method and see if it will work for you.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Aug 06 2020, 12:46 pm
FranticFrummie wrote:
Xanax, for all of you. ChillPill ChillPill ChillPill

Sorry, I wish I could be of more help. Is DH out at work all day?

It sounds like you need to hire a mother's helper to give you a hand until he comes home. There's no shame in admitting that your plate is full.

Even a teenager can do art projects with the older ones, while you keep an eye on the baby and toddler.

Ok. So to clarify, this issue goes deeper than hiring a mothers helper, Which can make the load lighter. But It won’t address the issue of being in constant crisis mode with high strung, self directed children. I need to rebalance the energy in my home, and regain my equilibrium as the authority. I’m drained physically, true, but even more so emotionally.
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amother




Floralwhite
 

Post  Thu, Aug 06 2020, 1:48 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Ok. So to clarify, this issue goes deeper than hiring a mothers helper, Which can make the load lighter. But It won’t address the issue of being in constant crisis mode with high strung, self directed children. I need to rebalance the energy in my home, and regain my equilibrium as the authority. I’m drained physically, true, but even more so emotionally.
I didn’t think the Xanax idea was so far off. It doesn’t sound like you all need prescription drugs, but you may all benefit from some calming supplements. Or, and I once got flamed on here for saying this, maybe cbd oil? It’s great that you see your children’s personalities in a positive light, and I’m sure with a mom like you who believes in them they’ll grow up just fine, but it’s still entirely possible that they have an imbalance between their excitatory and inhibitory neurotransmitter, and would benefit from some balancing. Extreme stubbornness and defiance are often signs of anxiety.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Aug 06 2020, 2:46 pm
familyfirst wrote:
That’s very difficult
Especially if. Him den have different dispositions than their mom

Just saying that very very often these children turn out to be very successful adults

So children are strong independent personalities.
Mom is more of a gentle soul.
Regarding your last statement. I’ve been told that more than I can count. I appreciate it, but there’s no guarantee & im struggling right now as I raise them.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Aug 06 2020, 3:12 pm
amother [ Gray ] wrote:
You're right, it's the first step.
After that you must parent effectively.
Children can not be allowed to be in charge of the household, it is too much power for their little selves.
The good thing is that children grow up and grow out of most behaviors.
Can you describe what you are screaming and reprimanding them for often? What behaviors necessitate that?
Please share, I'm all ears, zero judgment.

You’re very sweet. But who’s screaming??
Maybe I should scream a bit more so I can be heard!!
They’re very curious and love to explore. I’ve had recipes created, things taken apart, two year old escaping my house more than once... when they found a hidden can of paint, my dining room was repainted, my chandelier crystals were removed, my kitchen cabinets & baby crib were unscrewed, ETC!!
Older sib feeds younger sib tub of ice cream for breakfast at 6am, they snuck out of bed 4am one morning to “cook”... they will test their limits and cross every boundary in the book. The above scenarios can happen once a day or all at once too!!
In school they found the switchboard and played around causing all the lights to be shut, they innocently played around with the pool and caused all the water to be drained, ETC... I get weak just writing this!!
On the other hand, they love to learn (not the conventional way) they are exceptionally kind, & tons of fun!
I try to get them to own up to what they do, yet to
No avail it’s constantly on to the next thing.
Listening to authority is a huge issue at home and in school. My oldest will say: “I didn’t know, didn’t realize, didn’t mean to, didn’t understand...”
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Aug 06 2020, 6:20 pm
mha3484 wrote:
I have 4 kids 2 of them are very challenging and the third one is a real sweetie pie but hes super feisty and fights back against the other two when they try and boss him around. My baby is well a baby.

For me I am a HUGE HUGE fan of pick my battles parenting. I learned the hard way when my oldest (10) was a toddler you can never win a power struggle with a toddler. NEVER. DONT EVEN TRY. THEY ALWAYS WIN. Once I stopped trying things got a lot calmer. Then I needed to figure out the next step. I didnt want to be a super pushover but the constant cycle of time outs was not working either. There had to be some middle ground.

Hasghcha pratis was that our Jewish Federation hosts a speaker every year for day school parents and Ross Greene who wrote the explosive child was the speaker. I felt like his method of collaborating with kids versus dictating to them really spoke to me and I have been using it ever since. I have a pretty calm home these days. My kids get crazy and wild but we can usually deal with it and it rarely ends in yelling or door slamming.

The book is a must read for kids who are more behaviorally challenging. You can also go to the website www.livesinthebalance.org and read a lot about the ideas and method and see if it will work for you.

This is one of the methods I tried implementing. I definitely learned many things but It didn’t get to the root of the problems nor did it change the culture of our home.
Also, we’re having major problems in school, which are spiraling out of control.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Aug 06 2020, 6:28 pm
amother [ Slategray ] wrote:
I feel for you!
Parenting classes are great but sounds like you need one on one to get direction and guidance for your daily life.
Can you find someone who you trust who gets results and whose approach resonates for you who can guide you in your specific parenting situation and work with them?
Also, second the suggestion for more hired help at the same time to source out that which you can and help you have the time and energy to get on top of turning the situation around.
Also, this is most likely a temporary situation based on your children's ages and should get easy as they get older.
Do you have anyone in real life whose a bit ahead of you in terms of ages of children whose parenting approach you admire? It can help as a supplement to get tips from a friend who is in a bit older stage.
You definitely want to get a handle on channeling your children's strengths toward success. The no respect for authority is an issue you do need to address for your sake as well as theirs.
hugs and hatzlocha


I honestly don’t know anyone who has kids like me.
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amother




Emerald
 

Post  Thu, Aug 06 2020, 6:39 pm
I imagine you've already read "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.

As far as parenting advice, I really respect Aviva Werner and see that she has a lot of insight. Maybe contact her and ask if she could help? http://avivahwerner.com
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Aug 06 2020, 6:45 pm
amother [ Emerald ] wrote:
I imagine you've already read "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.

As far as parenting advice, I really respect Aviva Werner and see that she has a lot of insight. Maybe contact her and ask if she could help? http://avivahwerner.com

Yes I read that. Didn’t hear of Aviva Werner tho.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Aug 06 2020, 6:53 pm
Any other parenting approaches that have worked with such high strung children? Would anyone recommend Sara Chana Radcliffe? Shelley Malka? Those are two approaches I haven’t yet tried. Should I redo my Dina Friedman parenting course that I did years back? I feel like I must do something, I’m not sure what though.
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flowerpower




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Aug 06 2020, 6:59 pm
Be consistent. No empty threats.

Be ahead of them. Meaning plan ahead what their schedule will be so you’ll be prepared.

Look away the small stuff and focus on the big stuff only. Makes a huge difference

How old is the oldest of the bunch?
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mha3484




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Aug 06 2020, 7:19 pm
Do any of them have a diagnosis? This can be why traditional parenting methods don’t always work.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Aug 06 2020, 7:52 pm
flowerpower wrote:
Be consistent. No empty threats.

Be ahead of them. Meaning plan ahead what their schedule will be so you’ll be prepared.

Look away the small stuff and focus on the big stuff only. Makes a huge difference

How old is the oldest of the bunch?

The oldest is 9.
Despite planning ahead and being super consistent,
And being razor focused on the big picture,I’m emotionally depleted from all their insane antics, constant high energy, fighting, chutzpah, my 4 year old holds her breath all the time if she doesn’t get her way. Oldest is very manipulative, they need constant stimulation, and rarely sleep.
I’m starting to doubt myself in every area. Maybe I look away too much??
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