There is hope - UPDATE!

singleagain

Fri, May 28 2021, 4:26 pm

Omg. Ff I love her hair. That is absolutely stunning!

amother

Maroon

Fri, May 28 2021, 4:35 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

DD was voted prom queen at her senior dance!!! Queen

Prom queen is not so much a beauty or popularity contest, as it is about good middos, being a loyal friend, having an open heart to everyone, and doing acts of kindness. Without good middos, you can be the cool girl, but nobody will even nominate you.

She was really shocked that she won. She's also very modest. I'm so proud of her.

She didn't go with a date, she went with a friends group. The prom king does his own thing, not related to the queen. It's only a title that lasts for a couple of hours, LOL. Something for the year book.

They had the dance in the early afternoon, outdoors. When I was her age the dance was later at night, and in a hotel ballroom.

There wasn't any boy/girl stuff going on. Having the dance in a well lit area tends to take care of that problem. Wink

She showed me pictures of her friends. The girls wore really gorgeous dresses, like you'd see at a wedding (except without sleeves, because it's like 103 degrees over there. The guys wore button down shirts and nice trousers.

Overall, DD said it was very wholesome, no drinking or smoking, no zexy dancing, just a bunch of kids being kids.

https://scontent.ftlv2-1.fna.f.....0EEC4

https://scontent.ftlv2-1.fna.f.....0029C

The most important measure of a human being is the middos. And in that sense, your daughter ranks high up there with the best of us. FF - you've done an amazing job. Be so very proud of her, but be proud of yourself too!

Crookshanks

Fri, May 28 2021, 7:20 pm

Omg her hair! I'm in love with those butterflies 💗🦋

amother

Seagreen

Fri, May 28 2021, 7:34 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

At graduation, one of DD's best friends had a panic attack when it came to walking up on stage. This girl has crippling social anxiety.

DD got permission to hold her hands, and she walked backwards, guiding the girl the whole way. She kept saying "Look at me, I'm with you. You are OK. You did it , and you did it early, and I’m very proud of you for continuing to push and do it, and we will finish it together."

I told DD that she is literally the nicest person I know. Very Happy

Your dd reminds me of my dd. Similar history...nearly identical, with a few differences....she became shomer/observant again when she was in college. (was never into drugs or boys etc) She graduated hs with honors (had been in and out psych wards and was so behind in school....), then graduated college with honors.... I'm curious to ask you a question, feel free to gloss over it: do you ever think that you did anything that helped dd turn her life around? the question is deeper than it appears: was there any internal work/shift/pivoting that you did, that allowed dd to pivot?

essie14

Sat, May 29 2021, 2:32 pm

Gorgeous photos!!! And wow, what a special young lady! She clearly has an amazing mom. You deserve every bit of nachat.

twizzlers1

Sat, May 29 2021, 3:50 pm

Thank you for sharing. She is beautiful! May you continue to have lots of nachas!

FranticFrummie

Sat, May 29 2021, 4:16 pm

amother [ Seagreen ] wrote:

Seagreen, I'm so happy that your DD is seeing success in her life. Big hugs to you for riding the rollercoaster with her. It really does wrench your guts.

Honestly, it was my rebbetzin who made the difference. She said "You don't know why Hashem gave her to you. You don't know her tafkid in life. Maybe she'll become observant later, and work in kiruv. You just don't know. Let go of the power struggle, and let Hashem give you guidance. You have nothing to feel guilty about!"

Those were the magic words I needed to hear.

Letting go of DD was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and the best thing I've ever done in my life. This is something that her birth mom and I agree on 100%. Birth mom and I have always bonded over wanting to do the best for her, and putting our own desires and egos aside.

Another thing that helped, on a more earthly level, was getting her on Zoloft, and having her in weekly therapy. She wants to start DBT group therapy as soon as she can start going to meetings in person. (Right now they are only offered online in her area, and she's not comfortable with that.)

We strongly suspect she will be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (she checks all the boxes), and she is highly motivated to get better. She is aware that she has a lot of trouble regulating strong emotions, and really wants to be the best person she can be.

As for my direct influence, when she was little I emphasized middos over beauty and popularity. We had a zero tolerance policy for any kind of bullying or bigotry. We were in a very diverse community, and we got to be around all kinds of Jews, of every age, race, level of observation, and even orientation. Acceptance and Ahavas Israel were the most important things to me.

I also taught her about righteous Gentiles, and that just because someone serves Hashem differently, doesn't make them less important than we are. Everyone deserves respect and a civil attitude.

I taught her that there were good and bad Jews, and good and bad people in general. We don't judge people by how they look, or even by what they say. We judge people by what they DO. You can look amazing, and be the best liar in the world, but your actions will give you away every time.

Don't hate people you don't like, just do your best to avoid them. The best way to win someone over is by setting a good example. It's hard to hate someone when they are being nice! At the same time, never be a shmatte. You have just as much right to exist as anyone else.

Counterintuitively, I taught her to "question authority" (because I'm an old hippie, LOL). I wanted her to love yiddishkeit because she understood it, not because it was forced on her. If she doesn't have any choices, how can she develop faith? She is so strong, because she's had permission to push boundaries and ask "Why?" as much as she's needed to. I never wanted to raise a robot.

If you ask her if she is Jewish, her answer may vary depending on the day and the circumstances. She used to think she was an atheist, but now she says agnostic, and admits she doesn't know everything. That leaves an opening for teshuva, and right now, I'm happy with that.

Aside from everything in her environment, she was born with an incredible personality. Strong willed and inquisitive, and she loves everyone on sight, until they give her a good reason not to. Even then, she is willing to give people a second chance (but not a third). She knows that everyone had bad days and is not perfect. She has the biggest heart in the world.

When she was little, she was always the best behaved child in shul. Women were constantly coming up to me and saying "You must be such a great mom! Your daughter is amazing." I always told them that it was all from Hashem, and that she's just being herself. They would insist I was doing something special, but I really think I'm just an ordinary mom who wants the best for my child. I don't have any super skills or secrets to pass on. I'm just blessed. Heart

rainbow dash

Sat, May 29 2021, 8:35 pm

Love love love her hair

sneakermom

Sat, May 29 2021, 11:19 pm

She’s a beautiful woman inside and out!! It’s a nachas to watch her grow!

honeymoon

Sun, May 30 2021, 12:26 am

She is beautiful from the inside out! And her hair.......!

You are an amazing mom. I hope I can reach your level of acceptance one day.

FranticFrummie

Sun, May 30 2021, 6:53 am

https://scontent.ftlv2-1.fna.f.....6E6ED

When she left Israel, she was a year and a half behind, and everyone thought she'd have to repeat her senior year in order to have enough credits. She took so much on, that she ended up graduating a semester early.

See that gold braid? Top of her class!!! Very Happy

(She would have gotten a 4.0, but she had a B in Spanish. Every time the teacher called on her, she'd answer in Hebrew. LOL

I have the opposite problem. When I can't find the word in Hebrew, my brain goes to Spanish - and I'm a native English speaker.)

EDIT: I have her permission to post pictures here.

geshmak

Sun, May 30 2021, 8:40 am

Wow FF, I am so happy for you. I remember some of your struggles. I am so happy that you shared your nachas with us. Your acceptance is amazing and your love for your daughter is evident in your posts. You must have been an exceptional role model to your daughter. May she continue to bring you nachas and joy!

amother

Hotpink

Sun, May 30 2021, 10:06 am

Does she know that you post her pictures here?

finallyamommy

Sun, May 30 2021, 10:19 am

I have to laugh at the Hebrew/Spanish mixups. I used to do the same thing when I was first learning Hebrew, until the Hebrew pushed all the Spanish out of my brain. Then I took Yiddish and kept forgetting it and Hebrew instead.

amother

Salmon

Sun, May 30 2021, 10:30 am

Wow. You are an *incredible* mother. Wishing you so much continued nachas. (And the hair! Heart

)

FranticFrummie

Thu, Jun 17 2021, 8:40 am

Happy 18th Birthday to DD!

She doesn't want anyone to give her presents. She wants everyone to donate to her favorite charity that helps homeless teens.

She did the same thing at her bas mitzva. She had everyone donate to Israeli Guide Dogs for the Blind.

She feels so deeply that she has what she needs, when so many others in the world don't even have the basic necessities of life.

vintagebknyc

Thu, Jun 17 2021, 9:03 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

So excited for you FF, and for her. What are her plans for the summer? And next year?

FranticFrummie

Thu, Jun 17 2021, 9:45 am

vintagebknyc wrote:

So excited for you FF, and for her. What are her plans for the summer? And next year?

For the summer, working full time at Starbucks. Now that she's 18 they can increase her hours.

In the fall she starts community college to get her prerequisites done, and then she'll probably look into schools that teach graphic design and animation. She's been building her portfolio for years now.

She may change her mind about a major, depending on the job market in two years, but for now that's the goal. She knows that it's a niche field, and that you really have to excel to get a well paying job.

Last night I had a dream that a male friend of hers proposed to her, and that she accepted. I told her that, and asked her if she was getting married at the end of the summer. She answered "What? Mama, NO!" LOL

In a lot of ways she's still a kid, and wants to enjoy her innocence as long as possible.

singleagain

Thu, Jun 17 2021, 10:27 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

For the summer, working full time at Starbucks. Now that she's 18 they can increase her hours.

Voice to text

I have much respect for the fact that she's a barista that is not an easy job and kudos to her I just got to say Starbucks barista is really are some of the best essential people I remember one time recently when I got to work and dropped my chai and I was so upset so I went right back to Starbucks to get a new one and they were like so soon and I was like yeah I dropped it and they were like oh we would have just replaced it then gave me a refund for the fact that it was totally my fault and I was buying a second one so kudos to your daughter she's awesome yeah go Starbucks baristas

FranticFrummie

Thu, Jun 17 2021, 11:41 am

singleagain wrote:

She absolutely LOVES he coworkers and her boss. She says the boss is laid back and fair, and everyone has fun and gets along well. Starbucks now gives all kinds of benefits to it's employees, and there is a fast track to management if you want to take it.

My very first job was as a barista in a fancy-pants book store, and I loved every minute of it. It's hard work, but not as hard as being a bartender. I found working in fast food to be even harder still, for much less money.