Mommy guilt | Imamother

amother

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 1:53 am

I had a certain situation where I got upset on my dc and started loosing myself and raising my voice. Dc got upset and just started yelling back. A little later he was opening up to me that I traumatize him with my raising my voice , which of course had left me with a very bad feeling . I do have more of a loud voice , I dont have this modest QUIET voice . Any tip for me for this? Anyway, so I did tell him that next time I will try very hard to speak In a lower tone . Just I feel terrible guilty that my intentions were far from wanting to scare him , which he seemed very bothered by it , I just had to repeat myself over and over again that he should listen to me . After a few reminders and no change of behavior I just felt like raising my voice . This kid especially is very sensitive to loud talking.
Any tips of how I can just stay calm and avoid raising my voice? I'm not a calm type of person, and while dc dont listen, I get triggered and annoyed and I guess I should call it just enxiaty comes up. Dc. Gets very frightened when I scream. How can I change my behavior in this?

Question: is it so wrong for a mom to raise her voice after certain bad behavior from children??? Arent kids allowed to know that mommy can scream or get very upset if....??
I might be wrong. Please explain this to me.

I would like to get why kids would get very upset in such a situation???

Btw I'm talking about a spoiled kid that gets a lot from me and we make him have a time of his life.

So please tell me where I'm coming in wrong.
I really feel very sad and regretful that my dc had to tell me that he is super scared when I yell when I've never realized that I come across this way .

I'm very happy he told me so I know where I have to work hard.

amother

Burgundy

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 2:58 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Why would you call your DC a “spoiled kid” in this way? It isn’t “spoiling” a DC to give them attention. I find it strange that you would use this term about your own child. 🤔

FranticFrummie

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 4:02 am

By "spoiling", do you mean that he doesn't have boundaries, and walks all over you, controls the house, etc? Do you mean he has all the latest video games and fashion clothes? If you could be more specific that would help.

You need to retrain your brain. I'm easily annoyed, but I forced myself to reprogram my triggers. When DD would get whiny or demanding, I would take a deep breath, and get this artificial, kind of "flat" voice, that was really calm and low toned. Imagine trying to talk a crazy person out of jumping off of a building. That's what it's like.

Stay neutral at all costs. The second you yell, the child has won and you have LOST. Don't take the bait! You are the grownup here, so act like it. When you speak calmly, your kid will automatically start to match your tone of voice. Your child will also get the message that whining or begging is not going to get to you, so they'd better come up with a more efficient way of communicating with you.

If you need a therapist to help you learn how to do this, NLP therapy is amazing. One or two sessions will make you stop yelling completely. It will train your brain to see triggers as a cue to CALM DOWN, instead of freak out. For emotional regulation, CBT or EMDR is very helpful as well.

These are skills you will carry with you for the rest of your life, not just when you are dealing with a difficult child. It will help you with your spouse, boss, inlaws, and snooty sales clerks. It will improve your blood pressure and lower your cortisol hormones (stress hormones that age you and put you at risk for heart attack and stroke.)

Not only that, but when your child is raging with anger, frustration, puberty, or basically hungry and tired, your child will see that you are the calm in the middle of their storm. They will feel very secure knowing that their emotions are not blowing you out of the water. Picture yourself as an island of peace in a wild ocean, so that when your child calms down they will know that you are solid and secure for them.

If you can do that, they will always come to you with their problems in the future, and trust you to be there for them. If they think you will freak out, then they will start avoiding sharing important things with you, because they love you and don't want to see you get upset. That is not a healthy dynamic.

amother

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 11:32 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Thank you very much for coming in with such wise , good , answers. It really means a lot to me, and is so helpful for me ! Thanks for your knowledge!

May I ask where I can reach out to learn NLP if I'm saying it correct even, should I call relief and ask them to give me someone or are there books to read? I would love to learn this. I really do need improvement with my staying calm and not loose myself hard. I grew up with a very angry father and scary one. It's not that I wanna be like him and sure not meaning to blame, must be I picked it up unwillingly or it was ingrained in me that yelling is the way, in other words for me it unfortunately became like the norm when really it's not.
I really thank g-d for the man I married , since he comes from much a healthier environment, and my kids love to relate more with him or share with him, or most importantly they trust my dh a lot. This is a real miracle. That's the only way my home stays healthy and keeps going . Atleast if they dont trust me, they do know they can trust their father. I'm learning a lot , it's a long way, but by I'm improving alot.

Regarding spoiled I didnt mean that they are lacking boundaries. Maybe the word is "NOT SPOILED " I meant by that , that I'm good to them and I give them a lot of attention, take them out , send them to a super day camp, Take them for outings, I like to spend time with them . I give my time for him... forget about the word SPOILED . I meant that they dont lack attention or other things . It's not only yelling . Not that I think yelling is right, but my dc are well taken care and get the love too!