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How do you feel when you leave someone outside?
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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Aug 07 2020, 1:46 am
So the story is like this. My son, 17 year old traveled a whole night but hadn't yet arrived to his destination. A friend ( married and a few years older) said he'll take him with his car but can't spoil his wife's vacation so my boy should wait till the evening and he'll take care of him till then.
My son calls me, he's homeless. He said it in a joking way. But the thing is, his friends wife didn't want a "stranger" in her apartment when they went out for an outing.
My question to her is, how can you enjoy your outing with family and food when you know there is a boy sitting on your steps without a chair ( after not sleeping at night) or food , in the heat? Did you ever hear of hachnasat orchim?
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 07 2020, 1:49 am
Definitely not so great of the hosts, but I think on the other side, your son should have squared this all away before he left his starting point of his destination.
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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Aug 07 2020, 2:07 am
shabbatiscoming wrote:
Definitely not so great of the hosts, but I think on the other side, your son should have squared this all away before he left his starting point of his destination.

Yes. But he said he'll take care of him, which in normal senses it means talking him in.
Again, my son was joking about it, he'll sleep the next day he said. I just don't get how a Jewish mom could do this!
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 07 2020, 2:16 am
That is not normal, and the woman has issues.

If she doesn't trust him alone in the house, she never should have agreed to take him in the first place.

Your son sounds like a real mentch, and by not getting angry he should have many happy and healthy years ahead of him.
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 07 2020, 2:37 am
FranticFrummie wrote:
That is not normal, and the woman has issues.

If she doesn't trust him alone in the house, she never should have agreed to take him in the first place.

Your son sounds like a real mentch, and by not getting angry he should have many happy and healthy years ahead of him.

Maybe she didn't even know about it.

Maybe OP's son's friend agreed to this without even telling his wife, who was finally on her long-deserved vacation.

Maybe she had been complaining that she finally needed some quiet time after 5 months of corona-craziness.

I can certainly imagine such a scenario.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 07 2020, 2:50 am
DrMom wrote:
Maybe she didn't even know about it.


Quote:
A friend ( married and a few years older) said he'll take him


If that is the case, then the friend is wrong for not telling his wife. That's not normal either.

Still, even if she was put on the spot, she should have found a way to take care of the boy.

Remember, the sin of S'dom was a lack of hospitality to strangers.
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Elfrida




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 07 2020, 3:02 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
So the story is like this. My son, 17 year old traveled a whole night but hadn't yet arrived to his destination. A friend ( married and a few years older) said he'll take him with his car but can't spoil his wife's vacation so my boy should wait till the evening and he'll take care of him till then.
My son calls me, he's homeless. He said it in a joking way. But the thing is, his friends wife didn't want a "stranger" in her apartment when they went out for an outing.
My question to her is, how can you enjoy your outing with family and food when you know there is a boy sitting on your steps without a chair ( after not sleeping at night) or food , in the heat? Did you ever hear of hachnasat orchim?


I don't think I'm quite getting the story here. Your son travelled overnight, presumably on some form of public transportation since he obviously doesn't have a car. So, knowing how long it would take, and when he would arrive, he doesn't have any plans for the final part of his journey?

He then contacted a friend, who will be willing to do him a favour and take him on to his destination this evening. I know there are a lot of different time zones here, but I think that its Friday everywhere. So this evening, but before Shabbos?

His friend is probably not much older than he is, so presumably married a fairly short time. A lot of newly married women (girls) would not be comfortable going away and leaving a seventeen year old boy (whom they may never have met) with the run of their house. That's without any concerns about Corona. Even if they're not so newly married not everyone wants to leave someone else in their empty house. If this was a last minute arrangement, she may not have spare food in the house. Young couples don't often keep a lot of extra food around.

Why is he sitting there without food? If he is capable of travelling on his own, he should be capable of going into a shop and buying some snacks on his own. He could probably also find somewhere more comfortable to sit until they come home, or look for alternative methods of transport to his destination.

Arguably, she could have made more of an effort. But it sounds as though with a certain amount of planning, the whole situation could have been avoided or dealt with much more efficiently in the first place.
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Fri, Aug 07 2020, 3:05 am
I would not want a 17 year old boy that’s a stranger to me in my house all day without supervision. I wouldn’t want him accessing my internet. I wouldn’t want him snooping through my stuff. I wouldn’t want him possibly mixing up my kitchen. He’s 17 years old and the husband kindly offered him a ride, that was pretty nice and now of course no good deed goes unpunished, op is complaining about him. Most 17year olds I know (including my children) take buses or ubers where they need to go. They also are capable of buying themselves food if they’re hungry. It’s not this lady’s reponsibility to take care of a 17 year old who should be perfectly capable of keeping himself occupied for the day.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 07 2020, 3:17 am
I agree with Elfrida.

That being said, people who go above and beyond do exist, and maybe OP is one of them, and so is having trouble seeing why others are not.

I have to share. A few years ago, my DS was in a similar situation, was traveling, hadn't nailed down all of his arrangements, and was stuck at the last moment with no place to sleep.

I posted here looking for help, and a very kind person who never met me IRL offered him a place to sleep, dinner and breakfast, and treated him like family. I won't embarrass her by naming her here until she says okay.

Although the fault was totally DS, we all felt so grateful for the kindness. We'll never forget it.


Last edited by imasinger on Fri, Aug 07 2020, 3:18 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Fri, Aug 07 2020, 3:18 am
The events are unclear. Had he arranged to stay with this friend/get a ride before leaving home? Or did he show up unexpectedly? Sorry this happened to your son, but it's unwise to travel a long distance without having specific plans as to where he would stay, and exactly how he would get there.
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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Aug 07 2020, 3:31 am
Elfrida wrote:
I don't think I'm quite getting the story here. Your son travelled overnight, presumably on some form of public transportation since he obviously doesn't have a car. So, knowing how long it would take, and when he would arrive, he doesn't have any plans for the final part of his journey?

He then contacted a friend, who will be willing to do him a favour and take him on to his destination this evening. I know there are a lot of different time zones here, but I think that its Friday everywhere. So this evening, but before Shabbos?

His friend is probably not much older than he is, so presumably married a fairly short time. A lot of newly married women (girls) would not be comfortable going away and leaving a seventeen year old boy (whom they may never have met) with the run of their house. That's without any concerns about Corona. Even if they're not so newly married not everyone wants to leave someone else in their empty house. If this was a last minute arrangement, she may not have spare food in the house. Young couples don't often keep a lot of extra food around.

Why is he sitting there without food? If he is capable of travelling on his own, he should be capable of going into a shop and buying some snacks on his own. He could probably also find somewhere more comfortable to sit until they come home, or look for alternative methods of transport to his destination.

Arguably, she could have made more of an effort. But it sounds as though with a certain amount of planning, the whole situation could have been avoided or dealt with much more efficiently in the first place.


Ok. This friend is not newly married, he is a neighbor, that's how they're friends and has kids his age.
Even if she doesn't have extra food in the house as they're on vacation, it's still no reason to leave him outside on the steps.
My son did manage with food by buying fruit in a shop.
Other methods of transportation wasn't possible to the place he was going.
And to the poster who worries about shabbes, that happened yesterday.
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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Aug 07 2020, 3:35 am
amother [ Powderblue ] wrote:
The events are unclear. Had he arranged to stay with this friend/get a ride before leaving home? Or did he show up unexpectedly? Sorry this happened to your son, but it's unwise to travel a long distance without having specific plans as to where he would stay, and exactly how he would get there.

Yes. It was planned out. Friend texted him the following: don't worry, we'll take good care of you.
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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Aug 07 2020, 3:38 am
imasinger wrote:
I agree with Elfrida.

That being said, people who go above and beyond do exist, and maybe OP is one of them, and so is having trouble seeing why others are not.


You got it!
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flmommy




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 07 2020, 3:38 am
I would focus on what they did do rather then what they didn’t. I don’t think your son will be harmed by what happened.
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 07 2020, 3:38 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Yes. It was planned out. Friend texted him the following: don't worry, we'll take good care of you.

Still wondering if his wife was in the loop or not...
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 07 2020, 3:38 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Yes. But he said he'll take care of him, which in normal senses it means talking him in.
Again, my son was joking about it, he'll sleep the next day he said. I just don't get how a Jewish mom could do this!


Maybe DS and his friend had different ideas about what "taking care of" means, and they didn't communicate clearly.

I still think it was wrong to leave him outside. If he was new to the area, he may have had no idea in which way to start walking to get to a store. If he was way out in the suburbs he could walk for miles without finding food. On top of that, he was exhausted!

If they were going out to dinner, they could have offered him a ride to the same restaurant, and had him sit at a separate table so they could still have some private family time. That way the boy would have food, be safe, and would have a ride back after the meal.

They could have even left him on the front steps, but brought him a pan of left overs, a plastic fork, and a bottle of water.

I just can't fathom being so heartless as to leave someone stranded - especially if he was a friend of DH!

I also can't fathom the friend not trying a bit harder to take care of DS, even in a small way. Seems like a really odd friendship, unless they are actually just casual acquaintances. Even so, if you offer to help someone, then HELP them!
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Fri, Aug 07 2020, 3:39 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Yes. It was planned out. Friend texted him the following: don't worry, we'll take good care of you.

Let this be a learning experience--follow up a text like that with a phone call, to get specifics.
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yo'ma




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 07 2020, 3:49 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Yes. It was planned out. Friend texted him the following: don't worry, we'll take good care of you.

Maybe the bolded was meant in a facetious way. J/K
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Fri, Aug 07 2020, 4:05 am
Did I misunderstand?

To me it seemed the couple and 17 year old were in a vacation area - not home. And the 17 year old wanted a ride to a different destination, neighbor said he can take him at night. Wife didn’t feel like having a 17 year old teenager in a small vacation unit with just her and her husband.
I’m a really generous and giving person. But if I went on vacation with my husband I probably would be very reluctant to invite a 17 year old in. I finally went away to spend the time with him!! Though I probably would try to help the boy find someplace to hang out, if I understood the story correctly it’s hard to call her heartless.
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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Aug 07 2020, 4:20 am
amother [ Ivory ] wrote:
Did I misunderstand?

To me it seemed the couple and 17 year old were in a vacation area - not home. And the 17 year old wanted a ride to a different destination, neighbor said he can take him at night. Wife didn’t feel like having a 17 year old teenager in a small vacation unit with just her and her husband.
I’m a really generous and giving person. But if I went on vacation with my husband I probably would be very reluctant to invite a 17 year old in. I finally went away to spend the time with him!! Though I probably would try to help the boy find someplace to hang out, if I understood the story correctly it’s hard to call her heartless.

You understand well, but not fully. They are NOT a young couple, but have a few kids. They went out for the day on a outing and didn't want him to be in their house while they are on a trip.
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