S/O leave someone outside

silverlining3

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 4:27 am

I used to say I'm never giving out my house to strangers. But then once, a neighbor of mine who did so much for me, married off and asked if she can place her mom and sister with a little baby my be. And I agreed.. Another time, different neighbor also made a simcha and asked if she can place her mom and older brothers. And I agreed. Both times I was away and both were only for sleep.. I hand over keys, lock my bedroom-I have 2 more, and write a note, feel free to take anything you want/need.
It doesn't happen often, but I'd rather do it when I'm away since my house isn't very big, and I just wouldn't feel very comfortable with strangers around.

amother

Royalblue

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 4:32 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Because of that, I feel an obligation to help others whenever it is possible, and it doesn't put anyone else at risk.

Just a PSA at the moment to all reading this.
During Covid, hosting guests could put people at risk. I have some friends who just hosted someone for one night. That friend tested positive for Covid a few days later and called my friends. My friends now have to miss work, miss an important family birthday party, quarantine, wait on test results etc. They are devastated they can’t see their mother/mother-in-law.

Ordinarily, hosting guests is wonderful, but right now, it really isn’t safe or advisable.

amother

Firebrick

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 8:06 pm

The issue I had with the other thread is people passing judgment on why people won't do a particular favor, even when they were willing to put themselves out to do a different favor.

At different points in my life, I have hosted people for sleeping but not for meals, or for meals but not for sleeping. Sometimes I host for both and sometimes for neither. I have had people crash in my house for a few hours while they were waiting to go someplace, and I've had people stay in my house while I was away. In each case there were particular circumstances that either made it possible or impossible.

If someone says they can't host, even if you can find no discernable reason for them to say no, it's totally unfair to judge them and condemn them, much less with the highly derogatory terms used on that thread.

Whenever we're faced with doing a chesed, we have to search our hearts and figure out how far we can extend ourselves without sacrificing ourselves, our family and our mental health. And different people draw the line in different places. Just because you draw the line in one place doesn't mean that others should be condemned because they draw the line in a different place.

There are some people I wouldn't mind hosting even if my house was a dump, and other people I wouldn't host unless the house was perfect. Maybe that person didn't have the time or the energy to prepare a bedroom for a teenager passing through.

Sometimes you're just spent and can't focus on someone else's needs at that moment. Maybe it just doesn't occur to you or you don't have the strength to pull together a meal package. I know for me when I host guests it's hard for me to prepare food for them to take on the road even though I know it's the kind and considerate thing to do. Like, I'd be happy to give you $10 to buy yourself something at the local bagel store, but I wouldn't know where to begin putting together a snack package for you. What do you like, what don't you like, what would be convenient, what would be messy, what would go to waste. I don't tend to keep a lot of ready-to-go snack-type food on hand.

I think when people try to do chesed they should be thanked and appreciated for what they DID do, not condemned and criticized for what they didn't do. Otherwise it's a disincentive for all of us to do chesed when we are able to.

BH Yom Yom

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 11:12 pm

amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:

The issue I had with the other thread is people passing judgment on why people won't do a particular favor, even when they were willing to put themselves out to do a different favor.

Whenever we're faced with doing a chesed, we have to search our hearts and figure out how far we can extend ourselves without sacrificing ourselves, our family and our mental health. And different people draw the line in different places.

I think when people try to do chesed they should be thanked and appreciated for what they DID do, not condemned and criticized for what they didn't do. Otherwise it's a disincentive for all of us to do chesed when we are able to.

I cannot like this post enough! Beautifully said!

silverlining3

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 11:19 pm

amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:

This is beautiful, amazing of you, and very true.
Here's the but:
I know people who go beyond and over to do chessed. Then when it comes for them to ask someone a favor, and get a no, they really have a hard time putting themselves in the other persons shoe, as to why they can't-when they are or make themselves always available. And it doesn't come from a bad place. It sometimes takes someone else to explain to them., so they realize and think differently.
I don't always say yes, and hate when people take apart my life, trying to figure why I can't, so I don't dwell on other peoples lives and just thank them for what they did do. As I wrote on that thread, Life experiences taught me that not everything I do, people will and need to do back.
Now, I'm sorry to tell you, but if I'm not mistaken, those calling names was NOT op, she actually did say she was thankful, just was trying to comprehend. It was many other imas calling op and her son names. Really rude, regardless who's at fault, you just don't label!!!

amother

Seagreen

Mon, Aug 10 2020, 12:53 am

I think it depends on the person.
For the most part I would feel comfortable to leave a frum person in my home alone. I grew up with an appreciation for hachnasas orchim and always having a place for someone in my home.

When I was in seminary I called up this lady in geulah if I come for shabbos with a friend. She wasn't home that weekend, she had no idea who I was, but she left a key for us by her neighbor. We made sure we stripped the bed we slept on, cleaned up, took the garbage out etc.

Another time, my seminary teacher found a place for about 3 girls to sleep at for a Shabbos. It was my teacher's friend. She wasn't home that shabbos either. She had no idea who we were, but I assume my teacher vouched for us that we were normal, frum girls. The couples hachnasas orchim was out of this world. They lived in a tiny Israeli apartment and had us sleep in their rooms. Thats not everyones style, I completely get it, but I was so blown away that it impacted me so much my year in seminary how willing strangers were to open up their homes to us.

amother

Firebrick

Mon, Aug 10 2020, 11:13 am

Quote:

I don't consider myself an amazing hostess. I don't always host, only when it works for us. I especially have a hard time pulling together meals on short notice. I tend to serve simple meals to my kids so if I have to serve weekday suppers to guests it's either very basic or I have to really stretch myself to offer more. I read stories of the plane that was delayed and they showed up at a stranger's house at 2 a.m. and there a fresh bed waiting and a full spread of food on the table. I don't know how they did that. I wouldn't be able to do that at 2 a.m. or even at 2 p.m. But just because some people are exceptional at chesed doesn't mean that others who are less exceptional are horrible people.

I don't know what I would have done in that case of a teen dropping by unexpectedly. I can't think of a good reason why I wouldn't let them hang out in my house and instead have them hang out in the streets but I don't know the full situation and what factors were in play. People were definitely calling names, I.e. rude, b***, socially off, nasty, selfish, etc., for not inviting him in for the day. And in turn, some people were calling the mom names for not making arrangements for her son herself. Honestly I can see both sides. I know what it feels like to have expectations of others that are unmet. I also know what it feels like when others have expectations of me that I feel I can't meet.

Batsheva1

Mon, Aug 10 2020, 11:27 am

I've done it several times and only one time I regret it. I've let relatives of a friend stay at my house for a shabbos bar mitzvah and I was away. Friends had a fire in their house and they stayed in my house for two weeks while we were in Israel. Both times worked out. The third time was after hurricane Sandy. We got our power back but were going to our inlaws for shabbos anyway. I felt bad for a single mother who had two troubled daughters who did not get their power back yet. I let them stay at my house for shabbos thinking I was doing a mitzvah. My next-door neighbor told me afterward that they were letting lots of strangers in my house including boys, were really loud and running around. It was a disaster. I should have known better, I knew they had problems, but I felt bad for them and thought it rather than they stay in a dark apartment for shabbos, they would have warmth and light. I learned that one really does have to be discriminating in these matters and can't always give the benefit of the doubt.