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Forum -> Judaism -> Halachic Questions and Discussions
Candle ligthing unmarried girls everywhere?
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Chickensoupprof




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 09 2020, 7:24 am
I got frum within chabad so I always lit one candle for shabbos and now I light 2 candles since last 26 av..
Anyhoo... I never knew until I met jews who weren't chabad that only married women light candles. I always lit candles by myself because no one lit for me (my mother never does) it felt always strange for me.
I always say even this is not the minhag in the litvish/yeshivsih family of my DH I want my daughters to light candles on shabbos. I mean boys have when they are 3 tzitzit and a kippah and when they are 13 teffelin all lots of things to be connected with Hashem but a Jewish daughter needs to wait for being married to fully participate in the rituals? I find that so unfair. I kinda want to do as chabad that also my daughter (who I don't have I also don;t have a son) can light a candle for shabbos. Don't know ppl will look weird in the yeshivish community but I also want to have my daughter a special ritual like a phsycally ritual. Am I the only one who feels this way?
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 09 2020, 7:27 am
There are plenty of people who are litvish/chassidish who have had some connection to chabad and the girls light candles. Do what makes you and your daughter feel connected! Explain what you feel to your husband so he's on board and understands.
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amother
Peach


 

Post Sun, Aug 09 2020, 7:29 am
Chickensoupprof wrote:
I got frum within chabad so I always lit one candle for shabbos and now I light 2 candles since last 26 av..
Anyhoo... I never knew until I met jews who weren't chabad that only married women light candles. I always lit candles by myself because no one lit for me (my mother never does) it felt always strange for me.
I always say even this is not the minhag in the litvish/yeshivsih family of my DH I want my daughters to light candles on shabbos. I mean boys have when they are 3 tzitzit and a kippah and when they are 13 teffelin all lots of things to be connected with Hashem but a Jewish daughter needs to wait for being married to fully participate in the rituals? I find that so unfair. I kinda want to do as chabad that also my daughter (who I don't have I also don;t have a son) can light a candle for shabbos. Don't know ppl will look weird in the yeshivish community but I also want to have my daughter a special ritual like a phsycally ritual. Am I the only one who feels this way?


Not true. I’m not Chabad. I married in my 30s but lived on my own. Always learned that a frum home should lit shabbos candles

MY husband lived on his own too and also lit his own shabbos candles
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mommyhood




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 09 2020, 8:24 am
There are litvish girls who have the minhag to light candles so it wouldn’t be weird and if it’s a minhag that’s meaningful to you I don’t see any issue with having your girls light. What I do see as an issue is that you’re comparing boys to girls and coming up with the conclusion that it’s unfair for the girls. Boys and girls are different and treated differently in Halacha and if that’s something that bothers you your daughters will pick up on that.
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Sun, Aug 09 2020, 8:27 am
It's the head or mistress of the household that must light.
Usually that is the married woman.
But if there is no wife, a man will light.
If a woman is unmarried, but is her own household, she will light.
Etc.
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amother
Amethyst


 

Post Sun, Aug 09 2020, 8:31 am
The chabad minhag for girls to light (when there is someone already lighting two candles for the family) is to light just 1 candle.
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Sun, Aug 09 2020, 8:33 am
Right. Minhag, not halacha.
The halacha is for an adult (head or mistress of household) to light 2 candles.
A young girl who lights one, does not fulfill the halachic obligation for that household.
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Chickensoupprof




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 09 2020, 8:35 am
mommyhood wrote:
There are litvish girls who have the minhag to light candles so it wouldn’t be weird and if it’s a minhag that’s meaningful to you I don’t see any issue with having your girls light. What I do see as an issue is that you’re comparing boys to girls and coming up with the conclusion that it’s unfair for the girls. Boys and girls are different and treated differently in Halacha and if that’s something that bothers you your daughters will pick up on that.


I understand that women are not obligated to do the timebound mitzvot like tzitzit and teffelin and pray 3 times a day in a minyan. I totlaly get that.
I also do understand that girls and not married woman don't need to go to the mikvah. I just feel silly that in some circles like the first time I was in a very litvish/yeshivish bubble community I was weird because I lit candles and was not married. I was literally like it is so nice to make a connection to do a mitzvah? No one lit a candle for me at home? No one was making a brocho especially for me while lighting candles at my parents house NO ONE. At least I could do that for myself and it meant so much so I just don't get it why my daughters shouldn't.... ( I still don't have children)
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Sun, Aug 09 2020, 8:38 am
Chickensoupprof wrote:
I understand that women are not obligated to do the timebound mitzvot like tzitzit and teffelin and pray 3 times a day in a minyan. I totlaly get that.
I also do understand that girls and not married woman don't need to go to the mikvah. I just feel silly that in some circles like the first time I was in a very litvish/yeshivish bubble community I was weird because I lit candles and was not married. I was literally like it is so nice to make a connection to do a mitzvah? No one lit a candle for me at home? No one was making a brocho especially for me while lighting candles at my parents house NO ONE. At least I could do that for myself and it meant so much so I just don't get it why my daughters shouldn't.... ( I still don't have children)

I've known plenty of BTs who were living in their parent's home, unmarried, who lit for themselves. If they went away for Shabbos, they still lit at their host's home. Yeshivish/litvish.You may have felt self conscious but you are far from the only person to have that situation.
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Sun, Aug 09 2020, 8:43 am
I grew up Conservative. I lit candles along with my mother before marriage, and for myself when away from home, and later, when living on my own. We had no Chabad connection, but I later learned that in Chabad there is a special emphasis placed on having little girls light, and that in some other communities no such emphasis. As a college student, most of my religious friends lit even though they didn't have households per se. So it varies greatly and is a matter of custom rather than halacha.
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simcha2




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 09 2020, 8:44 am
My DDs light two candles each from age 3. It is a chinuch thing, the same way a three year old boy wearing tzitzit is a chinuch, and not a halachic issue.

One day it will be their mitzvah. (And 2 candles because it is a chinuch issue, the halacha is two, so that's what they "practice").

(Litvak in case it matters)
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keym




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 09 2020, 8:50 am
simcha2 wrote:
My DDs light two candles each from age 3. It is a chinuch thing, the same way a three year old boy wearing tzitzit is a chinuch, and not a halachic issue.

One day it will be their mitzvah. (And 2 candles because it is a chinuch issue, the halacha is two, so that's what they "practice").

(Litvak in case it matters)


Fascinating. I've never heard of little girls lighting 2.
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simcha2




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 09 2020, 8:53 am
keym wrote:
Fascinating. I've never heard of little girls lighting 2.


I can't think of another example, where for chinuch, we don't "teach" the actual mitzvah.
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keym




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 09 2020, 9:00 am
simcha2 wrote:
I can't think of another example, where for chinuch, we don't "teach" the actual mitzvah.


Most tzitzits that we put on children are not really kosher because halachicly (at least according to my Rav) the begged has to be a certain size in correlation to it's hole. We looked into it. And when my son became bar mitzvah, we bought him a much larger begged.

And the Chinuch set arba minim that are not very kosher.

And having kids do partial fasts on Yom Kippur.

I don't know. Interesting topic to ponder.
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Thisisnotmyreal




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 09 2020, 9:11 am
I know a very respectable litvish Rav that has his daughters light Shabbos candles.

Most people had lighting shabbos candles as their minhag and then forgot about it once they came to America.

When Chabad came out with girls lighting Shabbos candles one litvish Rosh Yeshiva heard and remembered that his family used to do that and began having his daughters bentch Licht.

If you want to have your daughters light it's worth it to look at the sources that support this minhag. It would be beyond special if they did, I'm sure you would love it.
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simcha2




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 09 2020, 9:15 am
keym wrote:
Most tzitzits that we put on children are not really kosher because halachicly (at least according to my Rav) the begged has to be a certain size in correlation to it's hole. We looked into it. And when my son became bar mitzvah, we bought him a much larger begged.

And the Chinuch set arba minim that are not very kosher.

And having kids do partial fasts on Yom Kippur.

I don't know. Interesting topic to ponder.


Right, but we don't say, for boys just 2 tzitzit on the beged, not four.

No etrog for the arba minim etc.

The goal is to teach our children how to do the mitzvot.
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Sun, Aug 09 2020, 9:20 am
Most people-no.
Most of my friends in my generation have grandparents that came to America in the 1930s and 40s (they came as older teens and adults), from religious families without a break in the chain. They certainly would have known what their family custom was.
Perhaps a few families from a specific location. But not most.
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WhatFor




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 09 2020, 9:32 am
It's not so simple. Many girls go to sem where they're in a time zone hours ahead of their parents. It's been a while but I believe we were told that you can't be in Israel and count on your mother in the US lighting for you 7 hours after your Shabbat began. Many girls light for themselves then, even if they didn't grow up doing it, or they specifically arrange for someone else to do it that week. I think even if someone is litvish, if you're living on your own, at a certain point it would be very weird not to light.
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LovesHashem




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 09 2020, 9:35 am
Why doesn't every boy in the family make kiddush? Or Hamotzeih?
Everyone is Yotzeh with one.


When I was single and went away for shabbos with friends, one girl lit, one girl did kiddush, one girl did hamoitzei. Not all of us. We all needed to be yotzei by someone. And it just needed to be one person.
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Thisisnotmyreal




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 09 2020, 9:48 am
Aruch Hashulchan 263:7

ובנות ישראל נוהגות לברך כל אחת בעצמה אף כשהן אצל אמן, אף שהבעל אינו מברך וסומך על ברכת אשתו, כמ"ש בסעיף ה', משום דהחיוב הוא רק על המשפחה כמ"ש שם, מכל מקום הבנות מפני שהן נצטוות יותר כמו שנתבאר - מברכת כל אחת ואחת, וטוב שכל אחת תברך בחדר בפני עצמה. מיהו על כל פנים - לא יברכו שתים במנורה אחת כמ"ש.
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