It makes me crazy!

amother

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 7:01 am

Is an eleven year old considered a teenager?
I have an adorable beautiful eleven year old daughter. Shopping is a huge headache with her, but once that’s done, we hopefully purchased things that we both like and although she chooses not to wear half the stuff which is quite frustrating, I’m really trying to pick my battles and not fight too much about it. I feel like she chooses to look nerdy even though I buy her cute clothes. But like I said, I’ve really been working on not fighting too much about it. I’ve always been into fashion and dressing her well (she’s my one girl), so it’s hard for me when she walks out looking the way she does. Now her newest thing is wearing her hair in the nerdiest way possible which is not flattering on her. She refuses to let me help with her hair, and won’t even style it in a cute way. It makes me absolutely crazy. I care how my children look and she just insists on looking nerdy. I know this is the absolute pettiest thing to fight about with her, and I try to avoid it to preserve our relationship, but I almost can’t hold back from at least asking if I can help her with her hair. To which I get an adamant no. How can I let this bother me less? I know it’s so unimportant in the scheme of things.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 7:05 am

What is more important to you, fashion trends, or having a close relationship with your daughter?

Are you projecting your self image onto her, and by having a trendy daughter you think it will make you look good by association?

If people think your daughter is nerdy, what is the very worst thing that can happen? Can you live with this, or will it break you?

Do you realize on an EMOTIONAL LEVEL, that she is a separate person from you? Google enmeshment. Ask yourself if that sounds like how you feel about her.

Think very hard about this, because what you decide will dictate the next 7 years of your relationship with your daughter, her self esteem, her confidence, and her ability to trust you.

Iymnok

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 7:38 am

Stop viewing her choices as nerdy. ALL younger teens look silly until they figure out style for themselves.
Don’t ever push your style onto her.
While shopping teach her about her body type, quality, tailoring, how the garment sits on her body and so on. She needs the tools to dress well, not to wear what mommy wants.

silverlining3

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 7:56 am

Perhaps your meaning for nerdy is now in style, and she tries to fit in between her peers?
I remember, as a girl, when a certain style was in and my mom absolutely hated it. I didn't do it to upset my mom, I just wanted to feel a part of everyone.

avrahamama

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 8:00 am

Nerdy? That word really bothers me. But then again I made it a point to marry a geek. Because geek is chic.

Funny ... Today we have one daughter who wears pritzus and another who dresses like a nerd.

When will we ever feel good enough?

amother

Cerulean

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 8:11 am

She is not a reflection of you. The sooner you realize that the easier it will be to let her do her own thing. Don’t worry it will take her a year or two to develop a less “nerdy” fashion sense and then she’ll be telling you how to dress Smile

SuperWify

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 8:15 am

Hey, I get you because it would irk me as well but as much as it sucks you really can’t control what she wears.

Imagine she’s a 24 year old married woman and she comes to your sons engagement party wearing a dress that’s sooo (fill in your nerdiest adjective here). Obviously at that point in the game you’ll zip your mouth and tell her she looks beautiful even though your dyyyyying of embarrassment showing off your one daughter like this to your new fancy rich machatunim. But she’s 24 for goodness sakes and she paid for her own dress, so you swallow and say nothing.

So what’s my point? May as well start looking the other way from now... it’s not easy work and it won’t happen in a day but the last thing you want is this attitude (my daughter is a nerd) to carry on with you always.

amother

Olive

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 8:19 am

Define nerdy your dressing her yeshivish style she's dressing down you want the dressed down she's dressing yeshivish. You want her hair down she wants a messy bun you like a low pony she like high or half or maybe she likes a side braid. It's hard I have a house full of girls with very different style I try to buy or choose nice in the style they like. My mom likes buying me fancy looking clothes I wanted tee shirts and Jean skirts she would buy me clothes I was embarrassed to wear it was hard when I got old enough to buy my own she would sometimes mock my style we just have different taste.

singleagain

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 8:29 am

I like a certain print that my mom doesn't. She would always comment. "I don't like that print" I would roll my eyes and say "thanks ima, I know"

One time when I got home on shabbos after a long walk I put that one and said "Ima, I know you don't like to, but it's the lightest thing I have and I'm hot"

Fine. Whatever
. But she finally stopped commenting. And bought me a skirt with the print. And I felt really happy. Bc it only took 34 years till she accepted that I'm my own person who likes this.

amother

Aubergine

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 8:38 am

I have that with some of my kids too.
It’s really really hard to let go and view them as their own people ( I’m also into fashion and it really bothers me) but it’s the only way. By me it started much earlier- my DD is 6 YO and she’s already wearing her hair in a messy ponytail which looks strange to me!
The older ones are even harder.
BUT I don’t say a word and I work hard on myself internally to really not care or criticise - because I’m sure the kids can feel the criticism even when we don’t express it.
I know it’s hard but hang in there and try your best to see beyond all that when you look at your child.
( BTW I bet that once you don’t care as much- she won’t be so determined to have her own say in the matter ).

keym

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 9:21 am

I think every mother of daughters struggles with this adjustment. Going from a baby who will wear mostly whatever Mommy buys to a full blown adult who buys her own clothing.
A mentor of mine recommended setting ground rules. Clothing must be clean, not ripped, and a certain level of not stretched and worn out to be worn outside. Hair needs to be washed X times a week a combed daily. Etc
But then they wear what they want.
A power struggle with a preteen is never worth getting in to.

Chayalle

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 9:27 am

Do you live in Lakewood? I have a 12-year-old DD to introduce her to.

I let go of all of this ages ago. I buy her nice clothes, and I leave it. I also learned to stop wasting money on those gorgeous accessories she is never going to wear. No headbands or cute hair accessories. No stylish shoes if they are not also very comfortable, or she will just wear her natives. No shirts that have any kind of elastic that she will find uncomfortable. She looks adorable in braids or whatever the latest hair style is, but she prefers a plain old ponytail with a plain band or maybe a plain scrunchy, that's all.

As long as she's clean and her clothes basically match (though she is not going to bother with light grey vs. dark grey even though she has both in her drawer) I don't go nuts. And those cute shoes are not her taste, she has her own ideas. Ditto for everything else.

She's her own person. Period.

amother

Denim

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 9:29 am

Is she typical in every other way?

Sometimes a kid not caring about looks is just that, and you need to accept it, but sometimes it can be indicative of other (very minor) developmental things like body awareness, sense of hygiene, executive functioning, etc. If you think she may be missing skills or even just an awareness and you think it will affect her socially, you can intervene. Very gently. She will thank you later.

Either way, lower your expectations.

ora_43

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 9:41 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

She refuses to let me help with her hair, and won’t even style it in a cute way. It makes me absolutely crazy.

You know that's probably at least half of why she's doing it, right? Wink

OK but seriously, it's totally normal at this age. She's figuring out who she is, and part of that is separating from you and making her own choices.

Just keep in mind that

1. nobody is judging you based on how she looks; everyone knows preteens and teenagers aren't letting mom dress them.

2. probably nobody is judging her, either. Possibly what looks "nerdy" to you is acceptable in 11-year-old circles. Or maybe it looks nerdy there too, but she likes the nerdy crowd and that's the group she's trying to fit in with.

3. realizing that your hair looked terrible when you were 11 is practically a universal experience. So go ahead and let her experience it.

4. and most importantly, she needs this. It's like how you wouldn't interfere with the way a 1-year-old takes her first steps, or correct a 2-year-old on her grammar. At this stage, it's more important for her to do it by herself, and get the confidence that comes with that, than to do it the "right" way.

NotInNJMommy

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 9:44 am

Which "rebellions" can you handle? Which do you definitely do not want to be faced with? Kids will find a way to make their own way. Hopefully, they can find ways to do that safely in merely ways that "make us crazy" and not make us heaven forbid, worried, scared, etc. She's normal. You're normal. It will be ok.

amother

Crimson

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 9:45 am

Um my 4 year old daughter is already super particular about her clothes! And I have to keep reminding myself that she is her own person and can wear things she likes (she has 2 t shirts that she wears over and over and doesn't touch new stuff I got for her)

I didn't think it would be an issue this early but I know what you mean OP!

amother

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 10:37 am

silverlining3 wrote:

No totally not 😝
I know what’s in style and I see what girls her age are wearing.

amother

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 10:37 am

Chayalle wrote:

Yes I do live there! Haha.
Maybe it’s a Lakewood thing Smile