Splitting headache! My son doesn't want this yeshiva

amother

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 9:38 pm

A very good Yeshiva accepted my son.

I thought its a thing to thank Hashem for and be happy about it but as soon as my son heard that he's accepted he decided that he isn't even interested in going there.

He isn't satisfied with how much they learn every zman and he thinks that his regular in town yeshiva will have better staff and chaverim.

I'm totally collapsed.

Its like he is happy that he has such a good reputation and that they accepted him but that's all he needed.

I guess I'm not allowed to complain because I should be happy that he was accepted in both locations but does anyone here understand me?

amother

Aquamarine

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 9:40 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I agree with your son and I think u should let him stay in town. I hear bad things going on in dorms.

amother

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 9:57 pm

amother [ Green ] wrote:

Do you just want to be able to say "my son goes to Yeshiva XYZ" or is there a compelling reason for your son to go there?

Forcing a teenager to be where he doesn't want to go is rarely a good idea.

Not at all
I didn't want to apply him to begin with but he pressured us that he can't go locally.

Now this.

Ok I guess we will just swallow it like any other thing in life.

amother

Green

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 10:19 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Not at all
I didn't want to apply him to begin with but he pressured us that he can't go locally.

Now this.

Ok I guess we will just swallow it like any other thing in life.

Why did he tell you he can't go to yeshiva locally? What's bothering him? He should be the focus here.

amother

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 10:29 pm

He wants a certain learning style (Brisk) that is very hard to find in the US.

I was not going to send him overseas at his age. (He is very young). He figured that as long as he can't go overseas he is not going anywhere.

Yes we applied very very late because thats when he decided that he does want to go away and I had no doubt that he will not be accepted but I did it anyway.

The yeshiva that accepted him has somewhat of that learning style but still not Brisk.

I think he feels that it's all or nothing.

amother

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 10:33 pm

ExtraCredit wrote:

Since no one said it yet, I’ll bite. So many moms are tearing their hair out of their head because their son has no yeshiva yet. They’d gladly take the open slot that you’re not taking. Bla bla bla...
Sorry I wasn’t very helpful.

Lol the yeshiva doesn't have slots...
They take whom they want.

I have been on the side of *we are too full* too many times to count.
I do appreciate that he was accepted but I still have a headache.

Am I allowed to?

Hashem_Yaazor

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 10:35 pm

I'm sorry if I'm not understanding and validating you, I'm only seeing what I do in these posts without knowing proper background and context.

Is there something wrong with him choosing the local (good) option?
Was it a lot of effort you feel was wasted now because he's not even going in the end to the out of town one?
I'm just unsure what is driving your being upset?
Not because I ch"v think you're ungrateful for getting in to 2 yeshivos... Not at all... But because I don't see where the problem lies.

I feel it's very important for a boy to have clarity and go to yeshiva where he's happy to go to from the outset, and he was the decision maker to go to that yeshiva.

ExtraCredit

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 10:36 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Yes absolutely! It’s stressful to go through all that applying and decision making only to be back to square one. I totally get you. Just wanted to give a shout out to all moms who don’t know yet where their sons are going to in two weeks. But that doesn’t take away from your headache. I should’ve started a spin-off Confused

amother

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 10:49 pm

Hashem_Yaazor wrote:

A lot of work and research went into this. Even though I'm not putting it all out here I can tell you that a lot of time and energy went into this.

I know that he is missing an opportunity. I feel he is just afraid of the unknown.

Will the staff be of the caliber that I want? Will the other bochurim be my level of learning?

Instead of taking the chance he rather chooses to stay within his comfort zone which he knows is not his level but it feels safe.

amother

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 10:54 pm

ExtraCredit wrote:

Thanks for understanding.

I'm exhausted.

I feel for the moms that don't know yet. Please someone start a spinoff.

(I really posted because I felt I had to get it off my chest and I dont have whom to share this with other than my husband that has the same headache but maybe this is a subject that I should not post about and will decide to delete. )

ExtraCredit

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 11:01 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

No need to delete!
Headaches come in all shapes and forms. The guy with no shoes is still entitled to kvetch even though there are those who have no feet. BUT seeing those with no feet does put things into perspective for Mr. Barefoot...

Hashem_Yaazor

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 11:13 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Ah, now I see. I can relate.

I just tell myself this: We have to at times sit back and let our children make decisions we think are not the best decisions and it's hard when we have broader experience and realize there are greater opportunities.
I've been there before but BH it's all worked out in the end, even if it might have turned out differently had my child taken my advice

Part of the parenting balance is knowing when to push and when not to. You sound like a wise mother, even though it doesn't always feel good!

(((Hugs)))

amother

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 11:29 pm

Hashem_Yaazor wrote:

Thanks I really appreciate this!

Before he left for Mincha Maariv to discuss with his buddies I told him that I have full trust in him to make this decision.

I encouraged him to ask people that are not biased. (All his chaverim and his rosh yeshiva think he has to go to that yeshiva.) I want his decision to come from his own will not because someone convinced him.

I told him to make a list with reasons why he is not excited to go and try to find honest answers from people that know that yeshiva.

He has a lot of older friends that he knows from learning at all side times and they are all very familiar with yeshivas so he has whom to ask.

At the very least I want him to learn how to make an educated decision.

Thanks everyone. Writing this all out gave me so much clarity.

It's not terrible if we don't accept the offer. If it will effect our future children's acceptance in this particular yeshiva then its only bashert.

It's not terrible if he stays here. Not great but not terrible.

Its good that he learns how to make an educated decision.

I'm still a ball of anxiety but I hope I can relax after seeing what I wrote.

amother

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 11:41 pm

I think my biggest fear is that we will not be taken seriously anymore.

We have a line of boys and I am afraid that If we approach this yeshiva in the future they will feel that we are just trying to get a kick out of being accepted but we're not serious.

My anxiety is on an all time high.

QueensMama

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 11:57 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

The situations sounds frustrating. Hashem has his plan for every single one of your children. Just focus on the now instead of hypothetical problems in the future. Your dh can call the rosh yeshiva and explain how grateful he is for his time and energy etc and how he regrets wasting any of it. This way you will be remembered as mentschlich.

amother

Thu, Aug 13 2020, 12:35 am

QueensMama wrote:

Thanks for understanding.

I think we can excuse all we want. These people have good memories and they are already lowering themselves to us by accepting him even we applied right before opening which in yeshiva language means practically begging for our son.

I am throwing this back to Hashem because its larger than what I can handle.

Good night!