Love your child, not his actions

amother

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 9:52 pm

Usually this is in the context of negative behavior, but I've been thinking about positive behavior as well. BH my children are well behaved, do well socially and academically and I recognize what a huge Bracha I've been given.

Of course, when my child does something well ex: wins best camper, student of the month, sports championship, etc. I want to congratulate him. But how do I also make it clear that I love him despite his accomplishments, and while I am proud of him, I would love him nonetheless? How do I know that a child isn't doing well because he feels that he needs to please his parents?

My father would ask where the other 4 points are when I got a 96 on a test, so I know to definitely not do that. And I tell them I love them often and out of the blue, and do things and buy things for them that I say was just because I love them - not connected to any action on their part. But I can't seem to shake this idea even though my husband says I'm overthinking this and my kids are ok?

amother

Fuchsia

Wed, Aug 12 2020, 11:13 pm

“Wow I see how hardworking you are that you win camper of the month!”
“I see you were so responsible when you cleaned up all the toys by yourself.”
“I like how calmly and gently you are behaving.”

I’m a Montessori momma. This is how I talk to my kids. No “you’re so smart!” No “good boy!” Just staying what you observed. And occasionally (but not all the time) adding positive spice.

salt

Thu, Aug 13 2020, 1:59 am

My kids are always telling me their friends get prizes or money when the get a good school report or do well on a test.
I tell them, I'm super happy when you do well, but it's not the most important thing, so I'm not going to give you a prize.
If anything, I'd give them something if they failed, to make them feel better.

I always tell them, good middot, being nice to your friends, being nice to kids who don't have friends, helping out, being polite at home and at school, is way more important that good grades and coming top in competitions.

behappy2

Thu, Aug 13 2020, 8:30 am

Generally showing unconditional love, which you wrote you do.

Kissing kids up, eating them up, spending time with older ones etc..letting them sit on your lap.

One mistake I've been hearing about lately is mother's not showing physical affection to kids over age 2, 3. I once had someone ask me if it's ok to carry a 2 year old into playgroup. Just because you have a 1 year old doesn't mean the 2 year old isn't still a baby!

amother

Goldenrod

Thu, Aug 13 2020, 10:31 am

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

No wayyyy I had no idea there was a fellow one here

Yes just narrate the behavior without judgment. As if you're a camera. What does the camera see?
Looks like you spent a lot of time on that.
You seemed frustrated, but you didn't give up.
You're working really hard right now.

amother

Fuchsia

Thu, Aug 13 2020, 11:54 am

amother [ Goldenrod ] wrote:

No wayyyy I had no idea there was a fellow one here

Hey hey! #coolkidsclub