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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
How to deal with kids when you have "spoiled" neigbors
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Aug 13 2020, 8:42 am
I'm really unsure how to handle this new phenomenon. I moved onto my block before this summer and BH my kids found friends right away. they are really darling people and I have no issues except that they have and get so much and naturally my kids want the same.
in example: every single time the ice cream truck comes around they all get. they get new brand name toys weekly that all the kids play with all day. it's not things that are in the house that isn't seen or visible to my kids every day.
so while I do treat my kids once in a while, I'm not at the point where I can do this weekly. I do other things with them. we do outings, visit relatives. my kids have 'things' and fun experiences but seeing other kids have a lot more isn't easy for them.
I tell them we don't all have the same "stuff" and everyone has their own privileges in life and we have ours too. usually they get it but when others get new toys/ ice cream... my kids want too, right then.
I'm asking if I'm wrong not to indulge them and how to deal with them, what to say and how to approach this for myself too.
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amother
Mint


 

Post Thu, Aug 13 2020, 8:53 am
I'm going anon for this to protect others privacy.

But as a parent, I think you definitely should not run your parenting according to your neighbors. Yes, you should make time for giving your kids icecream when appropriate (and it doesn't have to be from the truck - a scoop from a container, cones and sprinkles if you want, you can give your whole family for the price of an icecream or two from the truck) but you don't have to do what the neighbors do.

I explain to my kids that every family has its own standards and challenges, everything balances out. My name is not Mrs. Neighbor, and we do things like our family does.

I will also say this: I have a niece the same age as my DD who survived childhood cancer. She has every new game, toy, accessory, etc..that you can think of. My DD grew up seeing this, and going to play and wanting alot of those things too. I explained the same concepts to her, explaining that her cousin has them for a reason that she does not want.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Aug 13 2020, 9:08 am
amother [ Mint ] wrote:
I'm going anon for this to protect others privacy.

But as a parent, I think you definitely should not run your parenting according to your neighbors. Yes, you should make time for giving your kids icecream when appropriate (and it doesn't have to be from the truck - a scoop from a container, cones and sprinkles if you want, you can give your whole family for the price of an icecream or two from the truck) but you don't have to do what the neighbors do.

I explain to my kids that every family has its own standards and challenges, everything balances out. My name is not Mrs. Neighbor, and we do things like our family does.

I will also say this: I have a niece the same age as my DD who survived childhood cancer. She has every new game, toy, accessory, etc..that you can think of. My DD grew up seeing this, and going to play and wanting alot of those things too. I explained the same concepts to her, explaining that her cousin has them for a reason that she does not want.


thank you for your response. I know this is 100% true but my heart aches when I can't give them what they keep seeing.
even though I bought new playmobile for pesach the neigbors already got three new sets since and my kids are bored of theirs and they want the next shiny thing.
there's something about ice cream from the truck with the music that you can hear approaching a mile away. even when I have sugar cones and yummy ice cream and toppings they want what everyone has. I don't want to make it about money cuz I don't like when little kids talk about money. it's not my way.
thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

ofc, with your niece you have something to "blame" it on and it's a good perspective but BH I don't have that reasoning to give. BH sounds like your niece recovered.
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amother
Violet


 

Post Thu, Aug 13 2020, 9:10 am
This same issue happens in school, shul, camp. Etc. all the time. How is this different?! our jobs as parents is to help our children be confident and secure with everything.
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amother
Natural


 

Post Thu, Aug 13 2020, 9:14 am
I often tell my kids, preschool age, every family does what They feel is right for their house and kids. You are part of our family!
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 13 2020, 9:19 am
Be honest with yourself. Is this coming from your own insecurities or feelings that you lack what the other neighbors have? Children usually don’t feel THAT desperate to have EVERYTHING the neighbors have. They know that each family is different. Why do you feel so guilty about not giving your kids exactly the same?
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Genius




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 13 2020, 9:21 am
You have a chance to give them tools for life. There will always be richer, prettier, and more successful people than them. You have an opportunity to teach them to be happy with what they have.
(I would teach them to be positive without mentioning the neighbors, because happiness shouldn't be dependent on what others have and I don't. It's all about recognizing the beauty that's in my own court.)
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Aug 13 2020, 9:25 am
I guess I do feel guilty and less than, to some extent and when my kids ask for stuff and I can't give it to them it drives the feeling home more.
I know I'm doing the right thing but I need some perspective and tools.
I am surrounded by people that have more than me, relatives, neigbors and friends. it's okay most of the time but some circumstances are harder than others.
BH we have everything we need plus more but when you're surrounded by people that have soo much...
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Genius




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 13 2020, 9:55 am
Building a strong family identity in a positive way is a good start. We bake cookies together. We sing. We dance. We play together and have fun. This will make the "we don't do this", and "we can't buy this now" more palatable.
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Genius




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 13 2020, 9:57 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I guess I do feel guilty and less than, to some extent and when my kids ask for stuff and I can't give it to them it drives the feeling home more.
I know I'm doing the right thing but I need some perspective and tools.
I am surrounded by people that have more than me, relatives, neigbors and friends. it's okay most of the time but some circumstances are harder than others.
BH we have everything we need plus more but when you're surrounded by people that have soo much...

I grew up in a very affluent neighborhood. My mother was overly confident with the "We don't...." and I'm doing quite well. (if I may say so myself :p). Working on your own confidence will go a long way.
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ShishKabob




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 13 2020, 10:01 am
thunderstorm wrote:
Be honest with yourself. Is this coming from your own insecurities or feelings that you lack what the other neighbors have? Children usually don’t feel THAT desperate to have EVERYTHING the neighbors have. They know that each family is different. Why do you feel so guilty about not giving your kids exactly the same?
This was exactly my thought process as well.
OP, be strong with yourself. Know that you are giving your children the best that you can that is the BEST thing for them.
Have more patience with them, listen to them, empathize with them about the ice cream, but don't feel bad about it because then it'll seep into them and they will be unhappy and not content.

Giving kids more and more toys is NOT the best thing for them. If anything, its shirking the duty of being a mother and teaching your kids valuable tools that they will need to use in the future.

Your kids will grow stronger in the long run.

You can tell your kids that we buy ice cream once a month. They can choose when they want it. The other times, we get ice cream from our freezer with a cone and sprinkles and syrup if they want.

You don't have to be super rigid, but keep to your principles most of the time and give room for flexibility!

Bhatzlocha op and lots of luck!
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amother
Violet


 

Post Thu, Aug 13 2020, 10:22 am
genius wrote:
You have a chance to give them tools for life. There will always be richer, prettier, and more successful people than them. You have an opportunity to teach them to be happy with what they have.
(I would teach them to be positive without mentioning the neighbors, because happiness shouldn't be dependent on what others have and I don't. It's all about recognizing the beauty that's in my own court.)

Very well said!! Very important life lesson. If you instill it in them when they are young they will iyh Grow up to be happy confident and successful.
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baby12x




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 13 2020, 10:22 am
OP,
I really understand where you are coming from.
I admit that I want to buy my kids every shiny toy that comes along. I want my kids to have everything!! Especially, things I didnt have growing up.
Once I admitted that to myself- that a lot of this guilt was about me and not about my kids its made it easier for me to deal with.

I had to accept for myself that it was my own feelings that I was battling with and that made it easier to work through.
Life is hard. People have things we don't. Sometimes we really want things we can't have. Accept that and then you can move on.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 13 2020, 10:42 am
OP, I hear you. It's not easy. When DD was growing up, her best friend was from a very well off family. We were in a small rental house, and she lived in a fully restored Victorian with a landscaped yard and a full size grand piano in the living room.

At first it was really hard for DD to adjust. DD had one American Girl doll, and her friend had half the store. Her mom would take her every week, and they'd spend $50 to $100 each time. Now this girl was extremely nice, and more than happy to share everything. Still, DD felt less than.

There were other things she'd occasionally want too, that were totally out of our budget. I did explain money to her, but I didn't make it a huge thing. I'd empathize with her and say "I know you really want this great new thing. I want a fur coat and diamond bracelet, but I'm not getting them either." (I didn't really want that stuff, but it was something fancy that she could visualize.)

There were a lot of homeless people in our area, and we often talked about how grateful we are to Hashem. We'd list all the things we have, that people don't usually bother to thank Hashem for. Clean water, a roof, a heater in the winter, fuzzy blankets, soft mattresses, food in the fridge, ice cream in the freezer, we'd go on and on, listing as many things as we could that other people don't have. We also got involved with community service and raising money for tzedaka.

One day, her friend came over to our house, and said "I wish you'd adopt me." I asked her why, and she said "Because my parents are working all the time, and I just have a boring nanny. You are home and you make cookies and play with us." All the American Girl dolls in the world will not replace quality time and genuine interest in your child's activities.

Who is rich? The one who is content with what they have. ~ Pirkei Avot
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Aug 13 2020, 10:52 am
I love that, FF. I'm really moved from your post.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 13 2020, 11:28 am
What FF wrote really resonated with me. One of my DS’s best friends comes from a wealthy home and his parents spoil him with everything you could think of.
The boy kept asking if he could come to our house after school and my DS said that we don’t really have anything special to play with and that he wouldn’t enjoy himself. My DS was nervous he wouldn’t be able to live up to his friend. The friend came and he kept telling my DS that he loves our house. He said “Your mother is such a good mother. I never saw a mother do XYZ .” After that he kept asking to come for Shabbos and after school because he loves our house. My son saw his life in such a different light after that, when he realized Mr. Lacks Nothing actually likes our home more than his own.

It is not the things and material items that matter to children. Most often it’s the environment and loving warmth that is meaningful to a child. Extra material items are appreciated but it’s not everlasting. Quality time spent with your children means so much more and they will remember it and cherish it forever.


Last edited by thunderstorm on Thu, Aug 13 2020, 11:44 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Azure


 

Post Thu, Aug 13 2020, 11:43 am
This, my friend, is what we call peer pressure and keeping up with the Jones's and having what everyone has. Have you read all the posts on here about expensive weddings, expensive strollers and so forth?

This is where it starts. When your kids are little and want ice cream from the truck when everyone has, when your kids want three playmobil sets...that's the time to start teaching them life values. It's not easy, in fact, its extremely challenging.

However, it will be much harder to expect your child to understand why she/he cant have expensive gown you cant afford, fancy car, stroller, wedding if he/she has been brought up to get everything the neighbors children have. Now is exactly the time for kids to learn to live within their means, to make smart choices, to buy what they need because they can afford it and like it and not because everyone else has it......
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keym




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 13 2020, 11:45 am
I don't like talking at all about what other people have.
There are people who really have everything. I have a neighbor of a large family, husband has a good job, SAHM, bakes cookies and does crafts and buys stuff. I don't compete.

I started telling my kids that I refuse to buy or give anything because "someone else has it" not a friend or sibling. If they want a cookie or a dress or toy it's only because they want or need it.
Though I do try to say yes as much as possible.
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amother
Pewter


 

Post Thu, Aug 13 2020, 11:54 am
By teaching them to handle disappointment and being ok - in fact, happy with what you have (through modeling positivity and simchas hachaim) you will be giving your kids a gift for life!! It's not easy but this is such a good opportunity for you and them and they'll be stronger for it in the long run
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 13 2020, 11:56 am
There's a lot of great advice above.

About ice cream trucks: I tell my kids that for the price of one item, we can get a whole box and have ice cream many more times. We stock up our freezer with ice cream when it is on sale and I am pretty liberal with letting my kids have.

Basically, I try to teach my kids value. We may stop at an ice cream truck when we are out, but not just because it is on our block.

I tell my kids we have enough money for everything we need and some for what we want, but if we buy everything we want, we won't have money for what we need.
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