5 Year old DS not afraid of punishment

amother

Fri, Aug 14 2020, 12:18 pm

I wonder if this is age appropriate or something is wrong with my child. He’s simply not afraid of anything including punishments that follow bad behavior. For example he’ll scribble up a chair with a pen. I’ll give him a strong slap on his hand, yell at him, take away a treat and warn him never to do it again only to find him doing it again the next day! Many such examples. He’s generally a happy and mature child he’s just not afraid of doing anything. He’s not lacking attention, he doesn’t appear to have ADHD either. Any advice?

amother

White

Fri, Aug 14 2020, 12:22 pm

Don't punish, yell, or slap. He's getting a kick out of seeing you riled up. Simply take away the pen and say "we write only on paper. When you're big enough to write only on paper, you're big enough to use a pen." I find that little kids get a kick out of getting their parents angry.

yOungM0mmy

Fri, Aug 14 2020, 12:25 pm

Your 'punishment' isn't fitting the crime. A better solution would be to make him clean it off. When he sees the consequences of his actions, he may not repeat that one again (but he'll find something else - that's kids exploring and testing the limits, and learning the consequences. And then hide the pens.

amother

Fri, Aug 14 2020, 12:26 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

It's your job to childproof the house.

Hide all the pens. When he goes looking for a pen, tell him that he is not old enough to be responsible with them. Only babies scribble on things.

That’s impossible. I’d have to shut off the water so he doesn’t cause floods when I’m not looking, etc. the pen was only one example of many.

amother

Fri, Aug 14 2020, 12:30 pm

yOungM0mmy wrote:

That works with the pen example. What if he broke his siblings crafts and it isn’t fixable? Or he ran into the street? Not every misbehavior can be “cleaned up”. My question is what can get a child to be more afraid of doing trouble. He simply doesn’t seem to be afraid of anything at all.

amother

Ecru

Fri, Aug 14 2020, 12:30 pm

yOungM0mmy wrote:

This

amother

Fri, Aug 14 2020, 12:31 pm

amother [ White ] wrote:

If he damaged something and there’s nothing to take away at that point, do I ignore that too? Can’t imagine that stopping him from doing more trouble.

amother

Forestgreen

Fri, Aug 14 2020, 12:36 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Breaking craft- he has to find way to apologize to sibling
Running into street- I see you are not able to be outside right now stay on porch or bring him inside.

amother

Fri, Aug 14 2020, 12:38 pm

amother [ Forestgreen ] wrote:

Breaking craft- he has to find way to apologize to sibling
Running into street- I see you are not able to be outside right now stay on porch or bring him inside.

I do that. As I said I punish him. But that doesn’t help for the next day.

mha3484

Fri, Aug 14 2020, 12:39 pm

You said no ADHD but some of this stuff does sound like he struggles with controlling his impulses. You might want to see it from that lens and then think of how you can teach him those skills versus punishing him.

There is a lot of good stuff here https://www.understood.org/en/.....D_BwE

amother

Fri, Aug 14 2020, 12:42 pm

mha3484 wrote:

Right. He does things without thinking of the consequences. I’ll check this out. Thanks.

Rachel Shira

Fri, Aug 14 2020, 1:16 pm

The word “punishment” shouldn’t be in your vocabulary. He needs discipline, which means teaching. This can come about through fitting consequences like cleaning a mess he made (implemented calmly and without strong emotion) or not do much in the moment but have a calm conversation later (believe me, he knows that he’s doing something wrong. Your exciting reaction only reinforces the behavior). You can instead focus on helping the sibling whose project was ruined, for example. He’ll learn that he won’t get attention for these kinds of things. For safety situations like running into the street, I would warn him ahead of time that if he is safe he can stay outside, and follow through. I recommend the nurtured heart approach.

amother

Fri, Aug 14 2020, 1:21 pm

Rachel Shira wrote:

I’ll look into that. Thanks.

amother

Pearl

Fri, Aug 14 2020, 1:54 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If he damaged something and there’s nothing to take away at that point, do I ignore that too? Can’t imagine that stopping him from doing more trouble.

Do you want solutions or for us to tell you how hard it must be for you and that you have it the worst?

The point is consistency.
You broke it, you bought it attitude.
Either he has to clean it, fix it, or replace it. (When my DD was 3.5, she kept climbing on her baby sister's plastic arc toy -which you lay under and is not meant to hold a 35 lb. child. After telling her repeatedly not to climb on it, it is not hers and that she has big girl toys, and that it would break, it broke. We took one of her MLPs (her second to least favorite, and she had 1/2 dozen) and gave it to the baby as a replacement toy. She learned and fast.)
If he runs outside, he has to come in. Remind him the next day. He does it again, he can not go out the rest of the week -yes, consequences for a child are punishment for the parents.
If he acts like a baby he loses privileges and they are no longer automatic, they have to be regained to get them back.

amother

Fri, Aug 14 2020, 2:33 pm

amother [ Pearl ] wrote:

Looking for solutions actually.
Ok so like I said I take away treats etc. (like your example of taking away a toy) as a consequence. He cries for that moment but it doesn’t make him think twice the next day before doing something unacceptable again.

amother

Fri, Aug 14 2020, 2:35 pm

oneofakind wrote:

He sounds attention seeking- any attention, even negative, is better than none. Make sure he is getting lots of positive attention. Nurtured Heart approach is good.

To me it sounds more like he doesn’t think of the consequences that will follow while he’s doing something, but I’ll look into this anyway. Where can I read more about it?

trixx

Fri, Aug 14 2020, 2:41 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Omg my heart is breaking.
That's your goal? To raise a child who stays in line out of fear of retribution?
You need parenting skills not punishment ideas.