S/O children abused in childcare.Tips to lessen that chance?

amother

Sat, Aug 15 2020, 10:35 pm

Bh till now I never had to send a child out till age 2.5/3, but it looks like by my next one I won't have a choice as we need the money (although bh we can probably manage with me working part time). The thought of sending out always scared me, and the abuse thread is not helping....

What are some things I can do to lower the chances of something like that happening to my baby? (I live in ny if that matters)

-what's safter - a babysitting group, daycare, or getting my own babysitter (although I don't know if I could afford that, but maybe of I'd partner up with someone) ?

- anything I should look out for when doing my research like a place that has cameras, certain staff to child ratio and etc...? What type of questions should I ask (the place and references) when looking in to it?

- aside from calling references on the place I'm sending to and dropping in at various times after I send my baby anything else I can do to make sure it's safe?

- do you think it would be ok to send in a hidden recorder with my baby - not every day but once in a while? I think that would help put me more at ease, but think that may not be fair to the caregivers?

amother

Burgundy

Sat, Aug 15 2020, 10:42 pm

I cant answer your question but whatever you choose you have to be very very careful. My baby was totally neglected at a babysitter. She had too many babies and obviously wasnt managing. She forgot to give him lunch, never changed his pamper. My normally happy easygoing child just cried and cried by her. I obviously pulled him out of there after I realized it really wasnt working out but only Hashem knows if there were things going on there that I dont know about. And I got so many good reviews on her!

thunderstorm

Sat, Aug 15 2020, 10:53 pm

amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:

And I took a babysitter that didn’t watch anyone else but my own child and her own, thinking that he will be the focus of attention and he was terribly neglected. It took me a long time until I realized what was really going on. I’ve had such bad experiences in the past with my first two kids, that I go through terrible anxiety when I start my kids with a babysitter or playgroup.

amother

Apricot

Sat, Aug 15 2020, 11:01 pm

As a playgroup morah I tell so many mothers to please please PLEASE drop in randomly. An hour after dropping off your child, knock on the door and mention you forgot he wanted to take his blankie that day. Glance around. Or pop in during the day to drop off his favorite lunch since you were in the neighborhood anyway. I worked by a playgroup as an assistant once and the other assistant was being forceful with a child which led to me trying to pull her away and lo and behold the mother walked in at that moment to take the child to a doctor's appointment. And when I told the lead morah what had happened, her first question was "why wasn't the door locked?!". Lady, that's the least of your problems.

amother

Lime

Sat, Aug 15 2020, 11:05 pm

If you have a choice, choose a licensed day care that has a full staff, including supervisors that oversee the staff/teachers, and low child to staff ratio.

Also, it's important to go beforehand and observe the place. This is your child's life. Don't be shy to request what you need (within reason) in order to be comfortable sending there.

I had an experience in which I called 3 references about a particular playgroup and got relatively positive feedback, but when I came to observe for a couple of minutes (I had to argue to be allowed to come- which was a red flag in hindsight), I was very turned off.

behappy2

Sat, Aug 15 2020, 11:32 pm

Generally you can tell on the babysitter if they are warm, loving, attentive. Red flags are: too many babies, not taking your concerns seriously, messy house and dirt and small objects on floor. You can ask what they will do if the child is crying. I had a few bad experiences but thry didnt last bec I took my baby out right away. I found that a small playgroup from age 1 and a half, 2 is better than a babysitter bec they spend more time with them, play with them. Keep your eyes wide open and follow your intuition.

amother

Silver

Sat, Aug 15 2020, 11:56 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thanks everyone for your advice

For those that mentioned make sure there's not to many babies... how many babies are considered to much?

Also with randomly dropping in at times, sometimes I heard places don't like it bec it disturbs what's going on or can make it hard for the child to see you if your going to just leave right away... Any truth to that? Or is it always a red flag if they don't want you dropping by?

You can look at your state's ratio for each age in legal daycare as a start.

amother

Violet

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 12:01 am

amother [ Apricot ] wrote:

I'm also a playgroup Morah. This is a good point. All of my parents know my combination and they'll come in at any time. I hate having to stop what I'm doing to get the door so its easier for all of us. I never thought about it as useful for them in this area but it makes so much sense.

amother

Pewter

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 12:10 am

There are so many horrible stories, you can never be too careful. The best option is to hire your own babysitter and nannycam. The only way to know what is truly going on is to video or record what’s happening. I know a some people that think their babysitters are “amazing”, but they really don’t know what’s going on behind their backs as I have seen some pretty troubling things.
Daycares/ playgroups in my opinion aren’t a good option at all as it’s too large and won’t be personalized catering to your child. 2 babies is really the most one caregiver can properly take care of. With more then that, one is fooling themselves if they really think their baby will get proper care. The places that have 6 babies to one Morah; I cannot understand how any mother can in good conscience send to a place like that. It’s absolutely horrible that babies go to such places, no matter how “ amazing” the Morah is.
I am a pretty capable person and cannot take care of 6 babies at once properly. Please do you research and most importantly nanny cam and pop in to see what is truly happening. Good luck!

amother

Blush

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 1:25 am

When my (current) 14 year old was a toddler, I was in college over the summer, and although I had plans for the school year, I needed someplace for him just for a few weeks in the summer.
I found a ‘Bain hazmanim’ babysitter, and heard nice things from the references. When I brought my baby, I noticed that instead of the 6 babies she’d promised to have, there were 8 or 10. The place was very messy, and there seemed to be a lot of crying.
I’m embarrassed to say that I ignored my intuition because I was so (young and) desperate. My baby came home missing a sock, in a VERY wet diaper, and not looking like he’d eaten his lunch. He screamed bloody murder when I brought him there the next morning.
This went on for a couple of days - with my heart breaking and me telling myself that I’d totally pull him out except this was just for a couple more weeks anyway, and it wasn’t dangerous, just not a great situation- until one day, a few days in, my husband and I had an appointment for something, and we drove up from there together to pick up my baby.
And there, on the avenue, was my 18 month old toddler together with a little girl, strolling outside by themselves, literally about to cross the street.
I jumped out of the car and rescued both toddlers (to this day I don’t know the name of the girl whose life we likely saved).
I brought them back in to the babysitter.
The living room was chaotic with screaming babies, and she was in her kitchen on the phone, completely unaware that two toddlers had escaped out the (open) front door and literally almost been killed under her care.
I held both children and told her the following: “If my son had been hit by a car and killed, it would’ve been a tragedy for me. But you..you would’ve had to live with that for the rest of your life.”
I pulled my son out that day and my husband had to stay home for a couple of weeks while I finished up my courses that semester.
Since then, I’ve been VERY careful with whom I send to, and for my last baby, I only had a babysitter in the house. Yes, it’s extremely expensive, and yes, I get that that is not financially feasible for the vast majority of young mothers.
But think long and hard about who/where you’re sending your children, check out references like crazy (which means only trust people you know..references from people you don’t know are almost worthless), pop in unannounced, and watch like a hawk for red flags.
And trust your motherly intuition.

banana123

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 4:56 am

behappy2 wrote:

The center that started the original thread had none of these red flags.

And they came highly recommended, with a name as one of the best centers in the city.

Last edited by banana123 on Sun, Aug 16 2020, 4:57 am; edited 1 time in total

banana123

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 4:57 am

amother [ Silver ] wrote:

For this reason we felt most comfortable sending to a licensed daycare center. They have drop in checks by the state and it just felt more accountable. We also found one with cameras that made us feel better, but of course things can happen off camera. The main thing is that there is accountability.

If you're talking about Israel, those checks are few and far between. VERY few and far between. And since apparently spontaneous checks will now be allowed, I can only conclude that previously, all checks were scheduled and staff knew about them ahead of time.

But maybe you're not talking about Israel....

banana123

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 4:59 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It's true. It's a disruption. Even for older kids it's a disruption and staff doesn't like it - even the best staff at the best center.

But often, you can watch from afar.

banana123

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 5:02 am

amother [ Pewter ] wrote:

It's a culture thing, a mindset. A societal norm that because it is so common people genuinely don't understand what's wrong with it. Everyone sends to a place like that and everyone turns out fine, you know?