How old are your parents? S/O Punishment thread

nchr

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 8:48 pm

crust wrote:

On that thread a poster claimed that the reason we see so many issues nowadays is because people are raised by parents that don't punish them.

I disagree but I just wanted to get an estimated picture of how old the parent body of imamother is.

I think it is being raised without accountability and reasonableness. People are consistently coming up with excuses for their own bad behaviors, blaming it on their parents or other struggles, without realizing the importance of accountability. In addition, people are concerned with everyone always getting the same rewards or same acknowledgement - no, not everyone is the best, and that is perfectly fine!

Mommyg8

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 9:05 pm

crust wrote:

I don't like to use the word punishment because I don't believe in lots of rules and punishments, but I think the right word is "no boundaries". Parents give in and give in and there doesn't seem to be much accountability on the children's end. I'm scared how some of these children will grow up.

amother

Aqua

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 9:13 pm

In their 60s. Believed in a good patch when it was "warranted". Yelled too.
My siblings have a very strained relationship with them. Bitter and theyll talk down on them behind their back to no end.
I try to be friendly but inside I hurt too.
And if youre one of those posters who justifies it by saying "dont worry they get plenty of hugs and kisses" you should know, so did we.
But it doesnt outweigh the feelings that charge through you when you get a slap. Or a real yelling. Sorry, it doesnt.

amother

Royalblue

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 9:36 pm

60s. Echoing what above poster said. My parents believed physical punishment was great as long as they hugged us afterwards. Did they not realize we didn't want their hugs. Forced to be potched and then forced to hug after. Awful traumatic memories.
I try to concentrate on the happy parts of my childhood (not many). I have a fake relationship with my parents. Playing stupid and cheerful all the time. Half my siblings left yiddishkeit and then came back on some level years later. I have a fake relationship with them as well.
Yes we obeyed like robots until teenagehood when we stopped getting hit and then found other places besides home to be safe and loved.

amother

Cerise

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 9:44 pm

amother [ Aqua ] wrote:

Aye, imagine those of us who got the potches with nary a hug or kind word ever...

amother

Ivory

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 9:55 pm

I will talk from a younger generation. My parents are 45-50 range. I think their underlying issue was never once getting Hadracha or asking a Rav when things came up (all around, not just chinuch). When we were really young, they would patch when it was so-called warranted (mimicking their parents doing to them), I was a good kid so didn't get patched much, but kids are meant to test limits and it challenges the parents ability to handle the situation and not react out of anger. I do remember getting soap in my mouth when saying "bad words". Anyway as my siblings got older, I watched as one by one they manipulated my parents to eventually got what they want (my parents still are in denial that this happens) and they had no "energy" to deal with punishment/consequences for anything and were (still are) scared of their kids. I am the oldest and watch as this approach (or lack of) slaps this in the face now, with spoiled brat kids that don't appreciate anything their parents do. I have been to many of my friends homes growing up and have seen a lot of great Chinuch over the years. I just see the result of giving in too much and not being parents.

amother

Yellow

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 10:02 pm

I'm glad the עמו"ש didn't come through- more awkward for those of us who may have a parent or parents who have passed on.

My dad told us stories about running away from his father and his strap when he was mad. But then, on rare occasions, he would lie us down and give a potch. He would say that potching is ok as long as you never do it out of anger, only calm and considered. ( He is in the 70-75 category.)

My mom once punished me for something I did by taking something I cared about away for a week. After four days, I found it back in my room. She said that she could no longer remember why she had taken away, so she felt she needed to give it back. It left a major impression.

amother

Lemon

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 10:10 pm

My parents are hitting 60 kh. We grew up with a lot of yelling, criticism some hitting, and barely hugs or love which I think is the cause to a few of my siblings being so chutzpah, they need to stand up for themselves. I'm trying very very hard not to be like this with my kids and I've come a long way bh. Bh we're doing quite well without the yelling, hitting, and criticism. Bh bh my kids are good kids, hashem should help further.

amother

Powderblue

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 10:24 pm

My parents pride themselves on never having hit us.
There was plenty of pinching, shoving, and rough handling though.
The verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation was the worst though.
Today I have a superficial relationship after getting hurt one time too many.
When I overshare it gets used against me, so I just nod and agree with whatever is said, and bite my lips when I see history being repeated with my younger siblings.
Parents are 45-50 and very conservative.

little neshamala

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 10:41 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

I think that people who resent their parents are far more likely to post than those
who have a great relationship with their parents, despite being punished.

You know what, I have to say this.
Im in my 30s. The "younger generation" mommy who supposedly gives in and spoils her kids blah blah blah.
Guess what.
We NEVER potch our kids. Ever. (As per our Rav)
We also do not yell at them in anger. (And believe me, we've been tempted).
We do not "punish" to show control. We do not "show who's boss".
But we also do not give them hefkerville. We DO discipline-but its in the derech of Rav Wolbe ztl. Very gentle, and very cultivated towards each childs' needs.
And guess what.
My children BH are known for being super polite, mentchlich people.
From my oldest down to my 3 year old, when they're offered something, they say "no thank you". (The 3 year old says "nofankoo").
They know not to interrupt adults when they speak, they ask permission before sitting on our chair. They know chutzpah will not be tolerated-but that may mean a raised eyebrow and a gentle "disappointed in you" look to get the message across. And it does get across. Because they actually do not want to disappoint us. They, on their own, do not want to disappoint the people who shower them with love 24/7.

And no, they are not born angels. They each have their challenges, as all children do. They had to learn not to hit, not to tantrum, not to talk back, not to be rude, not to ignore....they had to learn to listen to parents asap, to negotiate politely vs argue, to accept, to obey...

And OMG they managed to learn that without being "punished", yelled at, or potched.

(And if anyone is looking to work on their parenting, Rav Wolbe's planting and building approach (based off Torah sources) is amazing. Rabbi Lawrence Keleman gives chinuch lectures based on Rav Wolbe, and you can find some of them online. I also highly recommend Rav Dov Brezak. Similar approach.)

amother

Olive

Mon, Aug 17 2020, 7:28 am

amother [ Royalblue ] wrote:

Are you my sister?
Eta- I could have written word for word

amother

Wine

Mon, Aug 17 2020, 7:29 am

I'm the one ima who's mom is 39☺☺ my dad is in his early 40's.
My dad copied a lot pf the chinuch he got from his father, LOTS of yelling and anger. My mother teied to get him to stop, I think he did go for help or something, bec he's really calmed down. My mom was great bh.
Like lots of posters said above, I have a very fake relationship with my dad. Altho, that's what he saw at home. When he got together with his fam, they all used to reminisce how their dad would hit them and yell at them, but once my grandfather died, suddenly they all talk about what a tzaddik he was.
I wonder if I'll do the same, but then I remember my father dragging my 6 year old brother out the room by his ears and screaming at him in front of his friends...and I know that even if the world would tell me that my father was a special man, unfortunatly, that is the image I have of him inprinted in my mind