A lady screamed at me... I’m shaken up bad.

PeanutMama

Tue, Aug 25 2020, 4:04 pm

What would you have done if you were in my place?
I already had my groceries bagged and ready. Issue was I didn’t pay yet. The reader didn’t say insert tap or swipe card. The cashier was laughing and talking her head off not paying attention to me or the lady behind me.

The lady mamash starts screaming at me “I NEED TO GO CAN YOU HURRY UP AND JUST PUT THE CARD IN??”

Of course I was very taken aback and I struggle with social anxiety. The lady started to make very impatient movements which really made me MORE nervous and flustered.
Finally after a whole 10 seconds that seemed like a minute I was able to insert my card and pay and RRRRRRRUUUUUUNNNNNNNN the heck out of there.
My mind was screaming “get away from her get away from her get away from her and don’t even look at her”

I’m home now and I’m very shaken up and now that I think about it I am trying to be dan lkaf zechus like maybe she was late or had an emergency or something and that’s why she screamed at me.
But the way she did it the way she said it was totally uncalled for she was very rude and loud and that doesn’t help one bit. This is coming from a sensitive person.
Maybe I should’ve let her go in front of me but like I said my stuff was already bagged and I couldn’t exactly move my baby in his stroller just so she can go in front of me.
I know I should try to get thicker skin but I’ve always been on the more emotional side since I was a child and I can’t see myself being cold hearted and rude to people because it’s just not in me. I don’t wanna hurt people the way I’ve been hurt over the years of my life.
If she would’ve said urgently but nicely “I need to go, just go on and pay for your stuff” I would’ve not been flustered and nervous.

And when I’m flustered and nervous my hands start shaking and my mind is on fight and flight mode which just makes everything a lot worse.

And no, she didn’t apologize:(

Chayalle

Tue, Aug 25 2020, 4:11 pm

Can you give me a bracha please?

For whatever reason, you met up someone who was nasty to you and you didn't answer back. You now have the power to bless!

As it says "hane'elavin v'ainan olbin, shomim cherpasam v'ainan meshivin, osim b'ahava usmechim b'yisurim.....aleihem haKasuv Omer, V'ohavav k'tzais hashemes bigvuraso" - those who are shamed but don't shame back, hear other people curse them and don't answer, do from love and are happy despite their afflictions....the pasuk says of them, they will shine like the sun in all it's full strength.

There are famous stories of gedolim who say that someone in this category can give a bracha and it will come true.

Can you please p.m. me for my DD's name? She needs a shidduch B"EH.
ETA I realized you are not anonymous, so I pm'd you.

Thank you!

Last edited by Chayalle on Tue, Aug 25 2020, 4:21 pm; edited 1 time in total

watergirl

Tue, Aug 25 2020, 4:16 pm

I have pretty bad anxiety. I know exactly what it is to think and rethink and re-play things in my head over and over again. I perseverate until I make myself crazy sometimes. I learned how to control us with the help of therapy and medication. It is not full proof of course but it helps. Zoloft (and of course davening) was my saving grace. Have you ever considered a bit of pharmaceutical help? I am not trying to say that you had an inappropriate reaction, Gd forbid. I’m saying this because I have noticed on many threads you mention your anxiety and if it can ease your suffering then it would be a big help.

Last edited by watergirl on Tue, Aug 25 2020, 4:32 pm; edited 2 times in total

BadTichelDay

Tue, Aug 25 2020, 4:18 pm

What I would have done? Same as you - been flustered and later gone on imamother to vent!

If I had been sufficiently tense and annoyed at that very moment, I might have yelled back and waved my hand in her face in the Israeli "wait, rega" gesture. If I'd been too tired or preoccupied, I'd just have gotten flustered and fiddled about.

I don't think there's a perfect response to this. I would have tried afterwards to be dlkz and tried to think that she probably had a good reason to be in such a hurry. And then, just tried to forget it. Not worth brooding on.

ExtraCredit

Tue, Aug 25 2020, 4:23 pm

That was extremely rude of her. I feel bad that she caused you to have such a painful reaction though. I’d just tell her to chill and that the machine isn’t ready for the card feed yet. I’d also suggest she go get some ice cream. Seems like she needed some today! Then I’d get some for myself and be on my merry way.
You don’t deserve to be so tortured from somebody’s lack of middos and patience!

Frumme

Tue, Aug 25 2020, 4:26 pm

We can't control other people, only our responses. Unfortunately it's not the easiest skill, especially in the moment! Just remind yourself "it's not about me. It's not about me." The lady would have yelled at anyone she had a modicum of excuse to yell at because that was her mood.

The other lady is an adult. She should know better. She let her emotional state affect her and then affect you because she is having trouble regulating her emotions. She did not need to yell at you and you could have been very polite about it instead of over the top.

So take deep breaths. This isn't about you. That lady has her own issues which she inappropriately projected onto you. Take a calming bath with your baby or go for a stroll to try and get your mind off of it. I'm sorry you had to go through that stressful situation. It is extra hard when you have a baby with you, too.

BH Yom Yom

Tue, Aug 25 2020, 4:27 pm

Hashem n Farfel, I’m so sorry that that happened! How upsetting. It sounds like she was in a rush (understandable) and took it out on you (unacceptable!). I definitely relate to what you wrote about getting shaken up and feeling and rattled by that, I would be also. Getting yelled that or even spoken to in a loud voice can be very very overwhelming for someone with anxiety. Your feelings make perfect sense and I am so sorry you went through that. Hugs and more hugs! Hug

amother

Orange

Tue, Aug 25 2020, 4:28 pm

I once had a woman decide I’d cut her off at an intersection. We were both waiting at a 2 way stop, she was waiting to turn right and I was waiting to turn left. I started turning and halfway through my turn I realized she was trying to turn at the same time. To this day I’m convinced that I was there first. I definitely started turning first because mine was the Bigger turn (left) and I turned into the road before her.

I’m anxious too and got flustered. I was even more overwhelmed when the woman pulled alongside me (two lane road mind you) and motioned to me to roll down my window. I hightailed it out of there. It’s been 4 years and I’m still shaking my head.

Some people like to set the world straight.

octopus

Tue, Aug 25 2020, 4:42 pm

I'm the same way. I get flustered and shake easily. I also cry when I hear about tzaros. I probably would've reacted the same as you and then I would have stewed the rest of the day. What I did discover about myself is that I find my voice when someone (adults) wants to unjustly steamroller my kids. Watch out then, because then I'm a mama bear.

amother

Mustard

Tue, Aug 25 2020, 5:00 pm

Omg how scary!
The best way to deal with it is to smile politely at her (mask removal is required for this), and go back to whatever you were doing very calmly. Like extra calmly.
My trick for collecting myself and staying calm is by holding onto the feeling of fear and imagining myself as the age that I feel. So if she were to scream at me, I would feel like a 6 year old who was in trouble. I would imagine myself as a 6 year old, and then I imagine my 24yr old self holding my 6 yr old self’s hand and being like “don’t worry honey, I gotchu”.