Ungrateful Child | Imamother

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Parenting our children

Ungrateful Child

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Thu, Aug 27 2020, 4:06 pm

I am really tired of my son always being ungrateful for what he receives. He always looks for the negative and cannot enjoy things because he focuses on what's not as good. Some examples:

1) We served delicious smoked chicken that he really liked. But he followed up with "it's not as good as smoked brisket, why couldn't we have that?"

2) We just bought laser tag for the kids. He tried it and said "Why couldn't we get the ones with the vests? This isn't so much fun."

3) When we take family vacations it's always "Why couldn't we go to Europe? The US is no fun."

4) When he was 6, we switched him from a smaller camp to a larger camp. He was made at me because the previous summer (where he had a great time) we didn't send him.

These are just some small examples but it is like this every.single.day with everything. Nothing is ever good enough even if some of his complaints are legitimate, nor does he want to work for anything. If he wants something special and we offer ways for him to earn it (with chores or using it for a birthday present or finding something for him to do) he gets upset and frustrated that life isn't handed to him on a silver platter. It's like living with Eeyore in many ways.

I have offered to bring him to a therapist because I think his outlook is unhealthy and to give him someone to complain about every little thing that I no longer have the patience for. There is only so much validation or perspective or anything. He refuses.

I am an overall positive person who has actually been through a lot. It is really hard for me to constantly be around someone who views his (rather cushy) world as so negative.

Does anyone have any advice for dealing with a very negative child? He's turning 13 and has been like that for his entire life.

yonabets

Thu, Aug 27 2020, 4:38 pm

First ask him to say" thank you " for every thing you do(or your DH )for him.He has to say "ty for the meal ""ty for my clean clothes ".."ty ty ty" the all day.
And you should also thank him for every little thing he does!every little thing!
Secondly, ask a therapist .Speak yourself about him.
And finally, daven.😘

amother

Crimson

Thu, Aug 27 2020, 4:43 pm

Hugs, OP. I posted a similar rant not too far back. I don't really understand it. DH and I model gratitude. We say thank you to each other, to anyone and everyone that does any kindness, and certainly we thank Hashem. Yet all of my children seem so entitled and ungrateful. And it hurts me to my core. I really don't know what to do about this other than to just keep modeling the right behaviors and hope it will eventually kick in.

Mommastuff

Thu, Aug 27 2020, 5:07 pm

I don't have more to offer but to say that it's a generational thing, and it looks like the time right before Moshiach!

amother

Amethyst

Thu, Aug 27 2020, 5:15 pm

Mommastuff wrote:

I don't have more to offer but to say that it's a generational thing, and it looks like the time right before Moshiach!

I disagree. I have a child who says such a sincere sweet thank you every time I do anything as simple as pour him a drink. My father in law, otoh lacks gratitude for anything-if he'd go on a five star vacation he'd find oodles of problems everywhere. It's a personality thing and op I think you should get guidance from a child therapist.

amother

Brunette

Thu, Aug 27 2020, 5:26 pm

I believe it’s a personality thing because I have one child exactly like that (plus everything is not fair that his siblings get) and my other children always are cheerful and focus on the fun and good.
I know every trip we take, on way home this one child will complain and kvetch about something. Its really frustrating and he is not interested in doing gratitude journals etc
Following this thread for some good advice Smile

amother

Chartreuse

Thu, Aug 27 2020, 6:55 pm

It's not a generational thing. There are many youngsters who express gratitude and appreciation, sometimes even without being prompted. One can usually tell when a child delights in something even if he doesn't say thank you. That OP's ds finds fault with EVERYTHING suggests that something is out of whack.

OP, Is your ds otherwise obedient and is this negativity his only shtick, or is he difficult in other ways? Was he always this way or has he become this way in recent years? Some of this could be a good old-fashioned teenage rebellious pose, but I agree that you should have him evaluated. Maybe depression is preventing him from taking pleasure in anything, although depressed people still have manners and still say thank you even when they get no pleasure from things they receive. Maybe he suffers from a sense of inferiority and thinks he can build himself up by tearing down everything around him. Maybe he's miserable for some reason and is trying to make everyone else miserable so he won't be miserable alone.

On the flip side, he may be an emotionally manipulative or even abusive person trying to control you with his criticism. It is important for you not to respond to it. I am not a therapist, but I would simply take away every thing he criticizes. "I don't want to burden you with things you don't like, I'll just make this disappear." If he's just being a teenage p'tchetch, a few episodes of that should do the trick. If he's mentally ill, probably not.

thunderstorm

Thu, Aug 27 2020, 6:58 pm

I see a correlation with my own kids and nieces and nephews between low self esteem and this negativity all around. I think when they feel better about themselves they start feeling better about the world around them and begin appreciating the good in life. But that’s my own observation of a few people close to me.

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, Aug 27 2020, 7:05 pm

He has a hole he is trying (unsuccessfully) to fill. He doesn't have a sense of self esteem. He is desperate to feel good. Go for therapy on your own. Learn how to get down to his level and empathize. Learn how to help build him up and believe in himself. To believe that he is loveable.

amother

Cobalt

Thu, Aug 27 2020, 7:37 pm

How old is he?

kids can be negative

teach them to be positive. model. express appreciation verbally "I thank grandma, she gave me such a wonderful set of peelers". etc

at times you can say: "would be appropriate for you to say thank you" (after you got a toy etc, like it or not)

most important - ignore negative comments.

Praise positivity

he will see he is not getting attention to negativity

with time it will stop. no one likes to be ignored.

check Yael Walfish courses on behavior and positivity. she is good!

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Aug 27 2020, 8:42 pm

I have a sibling who from when they were small, were never happy and satisfied. Got a new lego set that they wanted, well they already wanted the next one. They were never happy as they wanted the next thing.
No, it's not easy but hopefully at some point things will sink in

amother

Pumpkin

Thu, Aug 27 2020, 10:01 pm

My almost 8 year old is Like this. But he is soo difficult in so many ways that this is the least of his issues. But we literally can be in Disneyland and he’ll complain. We just choose to ignore. My other kids aren’t like this so I don’t blame it on not being thankful enough. I feel bad for negative people. They don’t enjoy life like positive people. And we do talk about that a lot.

amother

Red

Thu, Aug 27 2020, 10:05 pm

Sounds like child is depressed to me. I feel sorry for him that he can’t enjoy things. No advice. I’m sure it’s hard to be a parent for this kid. I have a sibling like this who has done really well with therapy ( he will probably be in therapy forever)

Page 1 of 1