Guest inviting guest

Ema of 5

Thu, Sep 03 2020, 5:44 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If someone wouldn't know this about you, would you think it's weird to assume that the host doesn't mind extras or is ok to ask and let the host say no if they want to.

I think it’s ok to ask.

amother

Jade

Thu, Sep 03 2020, 6:02 pm

amother [ Mint ] wrote:

There is a chazal
Ein orach machnas orach
A guest should not invite a guest.

That doesn’t mean they can’t ask.

I had someone I invited but they had a friend over that shabbos and asked if he could join.
I said gladly.

It’s not weird in singles...

Come to think of it I was once the guest of the guest invited
We were so overly pushed to join the meal by the guest A
It was pretty uncomfortable as we knew no one. But the person wouldn’t stop insisting we join them as their hosts were so chill they wouldn’t care. It still felt odd and looking back I wish I wasn’t such a pushover. In the end it was a nice meal and felt welcoming.

I think it’s totally a case by case basis and depends how formal the hosts are..

In my community I see it happen all the time where new guests get thrown in last minute, friends get picked up at shul, friends of those friends.
Idk..

Depends on your circle.

Your meals are maybe pretty formal.

challahchallah

Thu, Sep 03 2020, 6:07 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If someone wouldn't know this about you, would you think it's weird to assume that the host doesn't mind extras or is ok to ask and let the host say no if they want to.

This doesn’t strike me as that weird. Again, you should feel more than free to say no, but I don’t think it says something bad about the person that they asked. It’s pretty normal in some circles (and not in others, clearly), so maybe they are just used to it being no big deal.

amother

Thu, Sep 03 2020, 6:08 pm

anonymous55 wrote:

Personally, if I was hosting an older single, I'd be happy for them to bring along a friend so it doesn't turn into a 3rd wheel type of thing with me, my husband, and the single friend.

So then why would she ask to come for Shabbos in the first place?

seeker

Thu, Sep 03 2020, 6:57 pm

Surprised (and embarrassed if I've ever done it...) that so many consider this so rude/off. It would definitely be unacceptable to show up with an extra, but what's the big deal about asking? If the host is not comfortable with it, they'll say no.

I mean, context is helpful too. There have been times when, say, I'm invited for a meal and I say "I'm having a guest for Shabbos, would it be ok to bring her or should we do the meal a different week?"

And if you're talking about seminary kids, it's absolutely normal to ask. Again, the host does not have to say yes, but what's wrong with asking? People have made some wonderful relationships this way.

SuperWify

Thu, Sep 03 2020, 7:11 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

That's what I thought.
Not totally strange but like, hey, where do you get the guts to ask that?

I don’t find it strange at all. I’m more then happy when guests ask me.

amother

Violet

Thu, Sep 03 2020, 9:20 pm

If she's asked you before for invites then I guess Shabbos is sometimes lonely for her...

And for her friend too.

And maybe they sometimes spend it together.

So she wants to give her friend a nice time as well, and also make it less awkward when you're busy with dh.

Sounds like a win win situation to me. I don't think it's weird.

Ema of 5

Thu, Sep 03 2020, 9:31 pm

I think how you grew up and what was normal in your parents house also plays a big part. If your parents always had guests, and you didn’t hear them complaining about random invites and people inviting themselves, etc. then it probably won’t be an issue for you. W railways had guests when I was growing up, and although I’m sure my mother sometimes said no to requests, I never heard her tell someone no. My kids don’t hear me say it either, even though I do say no occasionally.

amother

Periwinkle

Thu, Sep 03 2020, 9:31 pm

Why the need to diagnose her? Or make her seem "off" or "weird"?

Can you just tell her the truth whatever that is like you didn't understand why she wanted to bring a friend when you wanted to have time alone with her? Then she can answer you and then you will know...
Or tell her you were insulted or upset or felt put on the spot or felt like she didn't want to spend time with you or whatever.

Be direct. Deal with her directly on it. You can say you aren't comfortable with it. Its a relationship.

amother

Thu, Sep 03 2020, 9:36 pm

amother [ Periwinkle ] wrote:

Thanks for the unsolicited advice. Rolling Eyes

Sincere thanks to all who responded to my original question. It's good to know that even some people don't see anything wrong with it.

farm

Fri, Sep 04 2020, 2:01 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

So then why would she ask to come for Shabbos in the first place?

Because she’s lonely.
Because she wants a conventional Shabbos table with a family feel, not like camp or seminary.
Because she wants the delicious Shabbos food that she otherwise wouldn’t have time or equipment or bother to make just for herself or another single friend.
And she asked to bring a friend so it’s not so intense, just the 2 of you making conversation all Shabbos long (plus your husband, which might make it even more awkward).

amother

Fri, Sep 04 2020, 9:27 am

farm wrote:

She doesn't live alone. She lives with her parents and younger siblings, so although she may still be lonely in that environment, everything else in your post is not applicable.

singleagain

Fri, Sep 04 2020, 9:37 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

She doesn't live alone. She lives with her parents and younger siblings, so although she may still be lonely in that environment, everything else in your post is not applicable.

I live with my parents. I'm the only child still home. The only way I would invite a friend with me for shabbat is if my bff from MO showed up on my door and I already had plans to spend shabbat at another friends house. Then I would call and say "my bff from MO is suddenly here, can she come too or should I just come another week,"

But based on everything else you've said how this will be your first shabbat with her and such ... Just strikes me as weird

The only time I invited a friend with me (not in Israel forgot I had done that ) was when I was going to road trip to my bff to pick her up and bring her back to NJ for pesach and we talked about how the drive would be easier with another friend. And I think we all chatted on the phone first. Cause when you'll be spending 20+ hours and a few days in a car together you want everyone to get along.

singleagain

Fri, Sep 04 2020, 10:03 am

I think until you know the host is ok with it. Don't ask.

What strikes me as weird is that this is the first shabbat these two friends will be spending together.... Why would you add another person. Besides anything else it changea the dynamic of the two.

happyone

Fri, Sep 04 2020, 10:36 am

Happens alot at my house. I've invited people for pesach and they asked if they can bring a divorced friend. I gladly had them as I had room. Yeshiva boys ask all the time. as long as it's not sleepover guest, why not?
As long as you're comfortable being honest about it, I dont see something wrong. At least for us it works. I can see others having a hard time with it if they cook very specific to numbers of ppl or if it's a rigid household.