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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Sep 03 2020, 11:48 pm
Pregnant with my first and we know it’s a boy. I have 2 grandfathers with the same name, one I don’t love. It’s not the worst name in the world but not a favorite. We know we will likely not have a large family and I don’t know if I’ll have many more boys to name after. All my siblings named after them but I didn’t know them and really don’t want to. However, there is so much pressure. My mother made a comment that it would be the right thing to name after them if I had a boy and it just hurts. In theory, I know I have no obligation. In practice the pressure is hard. I asked my parents if I can add a name and they said it wouldn’t be naming after then. Dh doesn’t have anyone in particular he wants to name after. There is one name I really like but none of us have it in our family and I’m stuck. Advice?
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tichellady




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Sep 03 2020, 11:53 pm
It’s your decision. You don’t need to decide anything now, you can wait until you meet the baby. There are not many things children can do for parents, naming is one way to honor them. But you also need to like the name of your child and should feel like it’s your choice
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Teomima




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Sep 03 2020, 11:58 pm
First thing my mil and dh's grandmother said when I told them I was pregnant was "You have to name the baby after xxxx!" It was not a name I loved.

I didn't bring up the topic again the entire pregnancy, didn't consult with them while we decided on names, because it's really none of their business. This was MY baby.

We did use the name in the end, but as a middle name. It IS a part of dc's real name because their full name is used during any religious recitation of their name (mishebersch, etc.) It's not what I both anyone else calls them on a regular daily basis (unless they're in trouble and I use their whole name when I'm upset Wink ), but it's still no less a real part of their name.
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blueberry6




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Sep 04 2020, 12:06 am
The funny thing about names is that they can grow on you. I don't know how much time to have left before you're due to give birth, but it might be worth it to try to get yourself accustomed to the name. I'm not saying to force yourself, but there's a chance it might grow on you a bit. I know someone who didn't want to have to name after a certain relative with a name she didn't like, but in her particular situation she knew she had to do it anyway. Well, she did it in the end - and she's fine with it. She didnt like the name beforehand, but she loves it on her baby. Cuz that's another funny thing about names... they have totally different connotations based on who's using them.
Anyway, it's just a suggestion, bec at the end of the day, it's your decision, not your parents'. Of course it's an amazing way to make them happy.... but it's your kid. They had their chance already.
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amother




Wine
 

Post  Fri, Sep 04 2020, 12:08 am
Hind sight being 20-20, you shouldn't have asked your parents, but since you have (and I probably would have also) you are in a predicament.
Are you of the Haskafa that Rebbeyim are consulted on these matters and their answers regarded as authoratative?
If so, ask and phrase it to the Rav, that you have this name which you love and you really want to name your son, but you know that your parents have expectations that you will use the name of your grandfathers, that you didn't know and that your nephews are named after. You know that your mom has strong feelings about using the name as it previously was, however, it is not a single individual that you are name after anyway, but rather 2 grandfather that had the same name. You really like your name but of course want to show your parents respect. Canyou do a double name, what is his eitza? Then go by what he says and tell your parents the rav said.

If you are not of that Haskafa, have a real conversation with your mom and tell her that it's 2 people, not just 1, your nephews have the name and while you want to show respect and will you the name, you most certainly can have poetic liberty to add a name. You can even give her the option of both names or not using it at all this time and if you have another boy, after you use the name you love, that you will use it.

FYI/I think that you are a wonderful, respectful Dtr that you are involving her at all and even discussing this with her.
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Bluepink




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Sep 04 2020, 12:09 am
Your baby, your name. You carried the baby, you will be supporting him and raising him, you decide. However, if you can bring yourself to use the name willingly, it is a big zechus for your son and will make your mother happy, as well as be an aliyah for two neshamos. You get to kill two birds here with one stone.. giving one name you don’t like that covers both grandfathers Wink
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agreer




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Sep 04 2020, 12:21 am
I used to think that adding a name means not naming after the person. But after naming for someone and not adding a name, I don't think it's the worst thing anymore (IOW, I wish I had added a name).

Instead of naming "after" your grandfathers, you'll name "in honor" of your grandfathers if you use their name plus the one you love.

People will ask who he's after, you'll say, "Well, ______ was my two grandfather and we just loved the name _____"

You'll never satisfy everyone. NEVER. At least be a little bit happy.
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DrMom




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Sep 04 2020, 12:24 am
amother [ Wine ] wrote:
Hind sight being 20-20, you shouldn't have asked your parents, but since you have (and I probably would have also) you are in a predicament.

It doesn't seem that OP asked her parents at all.
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essie14




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Sep 04 2020, 12:34 am
agreer wrote:
I used to think that adding a name means not naming after the person. But after naming for someone and not adding a name, I don't think it's the worst thing anymore (IOW, I wish I had added a name).

Instead of naming "after" your grandfathers, you'll name "in honor" of your grandfathers if you use their name plus the one you love.

People will ask who he's after, you'll say, "Well, ______ was my two grandfather and we just loved the name _____"

You'll never satisfy everyone. NEVER. At least be a little bit happy.

I agree completely.
My DD's middle name is for my grandmother and whenever someone asks "who is she named for?" I always start with "[[name]] is for my grandmother and we picked [[first name]] because we loved it"
In my family there is no pressure at all and all interested parties are thrilled with the middle name.
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amother




Periwinkle
 

Post  Fri, Sep 04 2020, 7:08 am
Omg this literally happened to me.
Twice. (I have 2 boys).
The only difference is, both my grandfathers are alive, so I would be naming for a great grandfather. None of my husbands grandfathers are alive, so the minute I give birth and saw it was a boy, I decided to give the name to my husband. We ended up naming my oldest after my husbands grandfather, who he was super duper close to and had died 2 years before. I got so bullied by this decision wow. My parents still can’t get over that I gave the name to my husband, and this baby is almost FOUR.
By my next baby, I didn’t want to tell them that I was pregnant because I knew that their initial rxn would be about the name. Which it was. They tortured me into naming after my great grandfather, a name that I DO NOT LIKE, never mind after being forced to name which makes the name even worse.
End of the story, I named baby #2 after my great grandfather, a man who had a stroke before I could talk and died when I was 4. A man a did not ever know or have a connection to. A man with a name I don’t like. And it’s a year later, and I still can’t call my baby by that name. I call him stupid nicknames, but it makes me nauseous to call him by his real name.
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Ruchel




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Sep 04 2020, 7:43 am
When it's already named I don't feel the pressure to name
If not named, I hope people would name for family as a second name even but not discard their existence... which they owe theirs... especially since a name survived until now, survived the pogroms and shoah...
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amother




Teal
 

Post  Fri, Sep 04 2020, 7:47 am
BTDT. Is it your parents father or grandfather? I find people get very emotional when it is the name of their parent.

If you don't hate it I would see if you could come to terms with it. You will probably come to love it when it is your child's name. But if you absolutely hate the name (and not just hate the fact that they are pressuring you) then I would do the name you like
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amother




OP
 

Post  Fri, Sep 04 2020, 9:08 am
I’ve been trying to come to terms with it. It’s not the most awful name but also not one I would pick. If I knew we were going to have a large family one day I think I would be okay naming it since I’ll have a chance to use other names I like. But because I don’t know if we will have more children, let alone boys, I feel like I want to name something we like.
Dh thinks we should add the name and just call the name we like and disregard my parents saying that adding a name makes it useless.
This is my parents father so they both feel strongly. I also have grandmothers who it would mean a lot to. The fact that every one of my siblings named after them just makes me stick out like a sore thumb if I don’t name or if I name and don’t call them that name
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amother




Periwinkle
 

Post  Fri, Sep 04 2020, 9:28 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I’ve been trying to come to terms with it. It’s not the most awful name but also not one I would pick. If I knew we were going to have a large family one day I think I would be okay naming it since I’ll have a chance to use other names I like. But because I don’t know if we will have more children, let alone boys, I feel like I want to name something we like.
Dh thinks we should add the name and just call the name we like and disregard my parents saying that adding a name makes it useless.
This is my parents father so they both feel strongly. I also have grandmothers who it would mean a lot to. The fact that every one of my siblings named after them just makes me stick out like a sore thumb if I don’t name or if I name and don’t call them that name


Huh? It’s not Halacha to name after someone. If your using the name, your using the name. It’s counted however you use it.
Is it also not counted if I call my (hypothetical and totally not real) kid “Chani” instead of “Chana Sara”, like the lady she was named after?
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essie14




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Sep 04 2020, 9:46 am
amother [ Periwinkle ] wrote:
Huh? It’s not Halacha to name after someone. If your using the name, your using the name. It’s counted however you use it.
Is it also not counted if I call my (hypothetical and totally not real) kid “Chani” instead of “Chana Sara”, like the lady she was named after?

I know some families who would take offense if you called your kid Chani and not Chana Sara.
It's ridiculous IMO.
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amother




Mint
 

Post  Fri, Sep 04 2020, 10:13 am
agreer wrote:
I used to think that adding a name means not naming after the person. But after naming for someone and not adding a name, I don't think it's the worst thing anymore (IOW, I wish I had added a name).

Instead of naming "after" your grandfathers, you'll name "in honor" of your grandfathers if you use their name plus the one you love.

People will ask who he's after, you'll say, "Well, ______ was my two grandfather and we just loved the name _____"

You'll never satisfy everyone. NEVER. At least be a little bit happy.

This is what our dil did. She gave a name she liked and after one of my grandparents. The child is called by the name mom and dad like, and the other name is there. My mom at first (old school) said No, so I told her
a- it’s not up to us
b- better as an added name then no name at all, ( no one has that name) and for those who say we had our chance, these grandparents passed away after my kids were married, so no we did not have our chance
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ChanieMommy




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Sep 04 2020, 10:17 am
Choose the name you like... and let your family's anger blow over... Your child will have his name for 120 years, that's much longer than a family can hold a grudge for...

also: I'd rather cousins not have the same names... to me, the fact that siblings already named after those grandfathers would be a good reason in itself not to do it...

At worst: invent someone in your husband's family who carried the name you want...
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amother




White
 

Post  Fri, Sep 04 2020, 10:24 am
ChanieMommy wrote:
Choose the name you like... and let your family's anger blow over... Your child will have his name for 120 years, that's much longer than a family can hold a grudge for...

also: I'd rather cousins not have the same names... to me, the fact that siblings already named after those grandfathers would be a good reason in itself not to do it...

At worst: invent someone in your husband's family who carried the name you want...


I liked this post but then unliked it for the last line. I totally agree with the first two, but saying it's named after an imaginary person...#no. You're not obligated to name after anyone, and you shouldn't feel obligated to make up a whole person. It also becomes awkward when bubby says really, who? Where did she grow up? Etc etc
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essie14




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Sep 04 2020, 10:38 am
amother [ Mint ] wrote:
and for those who say we had our chance, these grandparents passed away after my kids were married, so no we did not have our chance

You had your chance to name the children that you birthed.
You had the chance to choose those names yourself.
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amother




Brunette
 

Post  Fri, Sep 04 2020, 10:46 am
I’m sure you’ve already thought of this but is there a nickname you really like that you can somehow connect to the name and say it’s related?
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