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Forum -> Pregnancy & Childbirth -> Baby Names
Pressure to name
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Tirza




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 04 2020, 3:20 pm
PSA to all the grandmothers out there:
Please don’t do this to your married children. It’s really not fair.
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amother
Sienna


 

Post Fri, Sep 04 2020, 3:32 pm
I named all my kids after people, but I added a name to each child that was meaningful to me. I learned the hard way, after telling my in-laws the name I was going to name my daughter and they almost having a heart attack over it that it's my decision, it's not theirs, if they want to name a child then they can have their own child. I carried this baby for nine months and it's none of their business what I name. I will never again ask matter name, or tell anyone what name I am doing before the baby is named. If they don't like the name tough luck.

And your situation, I personally would just name it and add a name that I like. I would call the baby by whatever name I decide.

A name is up to the parents, not the grandparents, nor anybody else in the world.
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Sat, Sep 05 2020, 7:00 pm
amother [ Sienna ] wrote:
I named all my kids after people, but I added a name to each child that was meaningful to me. I learned the hard way, after telling my in-laws the name I was going to name my daughter and they almost having a heart attack over it that it's my decision, it's not theirs, if they want to name a child then they can have their own child. I carried this baby for nine months and it's none of their business what I name. I will never again ask matter name, or tell anyone what name I am doing before the baby is named. If they don't like the name tough luck.

And your situation, I personally would just name it and add a name that I like. I would call the baby by whatever name I decide.

A name is up to the parents, not the grandparents, nor anybody else in the world.


I didn’t tell anyone what I was naming baby #2 until he was actually named. It was so hard for me to name him his name (which I can’t call him by), as I was absolutely psychologically tortured into giving it. But what actually made me cry about it (I don’t cry about anything) was at his bris when my 17 year old sister said “we just KNEW you were gonna name him that! We were talking about it the whole car ride over!” And I absolutely lost it.
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mp5




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Sep 05 2020, 8:34 pm
My MIL really wanted us to name our sons after her father, a name I really did not like. I was pressured a ton by DH himself who really wanted that name (privately, never unkindly, and with full acceptance that if I refused that was that), but I couldn't bring myself to name a child of mine with a name I didn't like.
I would have considered using it as a second name, as other siblings had, but my mil had clearly stated to me that it was better not to give that name at all than to give it as a second name that was't used. So I put my foot down and I don't regret it. I still say don't let anyone pressure you into giving a name you don't like, it's your child.

However... as the years passed, I got to know a lot about the deceased grandparent and learned what an incredibly special person he was. And somehow, following that, the name grew on me. Mind you, that was years later so not practical for my sons, but... it might be worth it to learn more about the person you're being pressured to name after, just in case it helps you feel differently when the time comes to decide.

But bottom line, no one has a right to pressure you in this matter. Your child, your decision, 100 percent.
Beshaa tovah!
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Sat, Sep 05 2020, 9:26 pm
And here we have one of the advantages of continuing to have children after marrying off your older ones... The most common name to pressure for is a grandparent, and Baruch Hashem most grandparents live a longer life. My youngest sibling, born after my own wedding, was named after two of my grandparents.

My parents are not the type to have pressured us to give a name after their parents, but I would have felt terribly guilty not to, was a child not yet bearing their names.
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amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Sun, Sep 06 2020, 12:30 am
My mil assumed, that my baby will be named after her parent. After hearing the name by kiddush, that it's not, she didn't want to know my baby, for next few months, but after that, she got over it & now loves my baby.
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banana123




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 06 2020, 12:49 am
Your grandfathers already have several people named after them, and you may not have any other boys?
Go with the name you and your DH like. You don't need to give a family name, it's okay to give a name you like just because you like it and it has meaning for you.
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Sun, Sep 06 2020, 12:51 am
You don't have to use the name, but it's a kind thing to do. If you don't hate the name, I'd say to use it. Always err on the side of kindness.
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amother
Azure


 

Post Sun, Sep 06 2020, 12:56 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I’ve been trying to come to terms with it. It’s not the most awful name but also not one I would pick. If I knew we were going to have a large family one day I think I would be okay naming it since I’ll have a chance to use other names I like. But because I don’t know if we will have more children, let alone boys, I feel like I want to name something we like.
Dh thinks we should add the name and just call the name we like and disregard my parents saying that adding a name makes it useless.
This is my parents father so they both feel strongly. I also have grandmothers who it would mean a lot to. The fact that every one of my siblings named after them just makes me stick out like a sore thumb if I don’t name or if I name and don’t call them that name

This is never a good reason to give a name.
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nanny24/7




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 06 2020, 6:35 am
It is considered odd in my circles to name a name that is not after a relative.
I did that for my dc and I did not even get flack for it, although it would have been worth it even if we did. It was a name I really felt strongly I wanted.
What's wrong with a nice Jewish name that you like and choose?
Even plenty of seforim talk about parents having the true intuition of what name to name a child.
The whole pressure thing is hard.
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amother
Brunette


 

Post Sun, Sep 06 2020, 7:39 am
My DH is of the opinion that you don’t name after someone unless they were a tzaddik. Has anyone ever heard of that? I have a feeling we won’t name for any relatives....Bh I think both of our families are “chilled” in that respect and wouldn’t expect anything. Both my grandparents are already named for at least 2x if not more amongst my nieces and nephews.
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amother
Azure


 

Post Sun, Sep 06 2020, 7:46 am
amother [ Brunette ] wrote:
My DH is of the opinion that you don’t name after someone unless they were a tzaddik. Has anyone ever heard of that? I have a feeling we won’t name for any relatives....Bh I think both of our families are “chilled” in that respect and wouldn’t expect anything. Both my grandparents are already named for at least 2x if not more amongst my nieces and nephews.

Never heard of it but I do want each of my kids to have a meilitz yosher, who was either a tzaddik or who we were very close to and preferably was a great person.
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keym




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 06 2020, 7:49 am
I would speak to a Rav to get "permission" to add a name to the grandfather's name. Choose a name that you love and will be happy to call him.
Bonus points if the name can be linked somehow to the grandparents.
Then, hold your head up high. You named after the grandfather's, you just added a name. And you have the backing of a Rav.
If you can call him by both of his names in front of your grandmother's, it might be an extra chessed.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 06 2020, 12:24 pm
this is perfect
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Tue, Sep 22 2020, 9:59 am
amother [ Brunette ] wrote:
I’m sure you’ve already thought of this but is there a nickname you really like that you can somehow connect to the name and say it’s related?


Delete
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Tue, Sep 22 2020, 9:59 am
Tirza wrote:
PSA to all the grandmothers out there:
Please don’t do this to your married children. It’s really not fair.


THIS! Thank you!
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amother
Violet


 

Post Tue, Sep 22 2020, 4:10 pm
I didn't know it was 'normal' in some communities for all cousins to have the same name! Just goes to show that there's a thousand 'right' ways to do some things.
My parents suggested we name a child after their parent (who was already named for anyway) and we didn't love the name. So we chose to use a similar-meaning and similar-sounding name. Everyone's happy!
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SixOfWands




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 22 2020, 4:41 pm
banana123 wrote:
Your grandfathers already have several people named after them, and you may not have any other boys?
Go with the name you and your DH like. You don't need to give a family name, it's okay to give a name you like just because you like it and it has meaning for you.


This. Although, TBH, it would soften the blow if you could find someone with that name to name after. Who doesn't have a name yet.

I'm closer to the grandparents' age than to OP. No more kids for me, and if one of my kids don't name after my mom (a"h), she'll almost certainly never have a name. So I feel for the grandparents, who want their parents to be honored. But I still recognize that its not right.
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Tue, Sep 22 2020, 4:56 pm
We were pressured to name our son after my mother in laws father and still don’t love the name. My dh didn’t even like that grandfather which made it all worse. Till today we don’t love it but he’s such a cute kid that I guess it’s ok and he has a cute nickname.
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Tue, Sep 22 2020, 4:57 pm
Being grateful here for my mil. I named my first son for her father and my second son for her other relative and both times there was zero pressure and she thanked me at the bris.
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