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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
Children make me want to move out!!
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 06 2020, 4:03 am
Can you get some help like mommy's helper to make things run more smoothly after work?
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banana123




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 06 2020, 4:07 am
dankbar wrote:
Can you get some help like mommy's helper to make things run more smoothly after work?

Or maybe a mommy's helper to do light housework, so that she can go shluf at the kids' bedtime without her house being a mess?
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amother
Seashell


 

Post Sun, Sep 06 2020, 4:26 am
Op I just want to tell you that naturally I’m a lot like you- low energy and very soft with the kids. Hate disciplining them, I love cuddling, and I need lots of “me” time.
Very quickly I saw this isn’t working for my kids. They appreciate the love and kisses but they need boundaries in order to thrive and feel secure.
It’s still work in progress but b”h our kids are doing so much better. There’s a routine at home, I try to spoil them less than I used to, they have learned that sometimes they need to earn presents / treats and sometimes mommy just wants to give them bc she loves them.
You got amazing advice here so I won’t add much, but you should know there’s hope ! You can do it!
( btw I no longer work, so I have the mornings to myself - my baby comes home at 1 pm. This has been life changing for me as well).
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blessedflower




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 06 2020, 4:59 am
amother [ Beige ] wrote:
Sorry but many things are normal for kids.

Spill grape jc?
Not sitting at table?
Not singing zemiros?

Etc

Maybe some expectations are not appropriate so they don’t listen to anything?
when I started reading the op I thought the same. But the rest is really a problem. I think op you need to refocus and put priorities. Make a small list with your dh of things that are unacceptable and be strict about it. And after a while add to the list
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amother
Emerald


 

Post Sun, Sep 06 2020, 5:07 am
bigsis144 wrote:
I read some of the advice posted “just give them boundaries”, “don’t let them talk to you that way” and I just laugh so that I don’t cry. Some people have NO IDEA.

I have had to “be soft” and “spoil” my kids because that’s what it takes to make my house safe.

Screen time cannot be my battleground because reducing screen time (proactively to try to get them to anything else or as a punishment) makes my kids break furniture (a shattered door jamb from slamming a door, punching and shattering a window pane) or hurt me (I had a huge purple bruise on my shoulder from a 7.5 year old biting me) or pinch my toddler (he even said “I want to hurt you, but hurting her is two for the price of one”) or just physically fight so much with one another that I truly think they’ve given one another PTSD.

The “easy” days are when my son just follows me around the house goading me, “GIVE ME THE CHROMEBOOK. GIVE ME THE CHROMEBOOK. You’re not gonna win, Ema, I can keep this up for a long time. You're misbehaving, so I'm gonna take your phone away.”



Physical appropriateness has become a new thing lately. My ten year old will make deliberate eye contact with me while saying “I’m squeezing my big fat juicy pisher!” and touching himself over his clothes. Like, he’ll be alone in his room and as soon as I walk in he’ll aggressively start rubbing his groin. Or he’ll call his baby sister “deficient” because she doesn’t have a p3n15.

I have proactively spoken to him SO MANY TIMES about tznius (positive!) and boundaries and what is private vs public (neutral) and finally how this behavior is specifically making me uncomfortable and not want to be around him (not to mention NEVER EVER EVER leave my toddler daughter alone with him)...



I’ve 100% told my therapist that if an adult treated me the way my kids have I’d have filed a harassment suit (if a stranger), divorced (if a spouse) and called the cops and then left and never looked back.

But I can’t, cuz they’re MY KIDS.

It is the most absolute form of torture conceivable.

Hug Hug
Where does he get his s-xual ideas? This is a new red line.
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Sara255




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 06 2020, 6:18 am
I really would suggest the book "123 Magic" as an excellent starting point. It's a primer on how to put down boundaries lovingly. It also addresses the energy aspect, I.e. why explaining basic things to children is pointless and sucks out your energy.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 06 2020, 7:12 am
OP, I agree with all the above.

Children's lives are chaotic and unpredictable. They need their parents to be a consistent "rock in the stormy sea". You are the anchor for their lives, and you are what keeps them from drifting around aimlessly.

I need to warn you, that when you start implementing boundaries and structure, things will get much WORSE at first. They will not be happy, and will push back as hard as they can. You MUST NOT GIVE IN! If you do, you will be even less effective at parenting than you are now, because they will know that they can beat you down.

When DD was little, I would love to do nothing but cuddle her and spoil her all day, every day - but she needed something to balance out that energy. She needed house rules, expectations, boundaries, and structure. I was the worst mommy ever, she hated me, and she said "You're ruining my life!" - all of this at the ripe old age of 4. LOL

DD is 17 now, and she sees what happens to other kids who were raised with "soft" parents and no boundaries. She told me the other day "I used to be really mad at you, but you were right." Music to any mother's ears. Very Happy

Don't get tempted to take the easy way out to have a moment's peace. You need to look at how your kids are going to turn out in the long run.
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TranquilityAndPeace




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 06 2020, 9:17 am
OP sending hugs!

I agree with most of the suggestions here.

I’m going to add one more:

It seems your kids are 5 and 8. Without MAJOR changes in your parenting, you are looking at extremely costly psych-educational evaluations, therapists, psychiatrists, special schools, camps, flights to other countries to meet experts, etc, in the next few years. Their friends, your neighbors, etc will not tolerate this kind of mischief once they are tweens and teens, and these problems will escalate dramatically, and there will be no choice but to pour $$$$$ into trying to help the kids.

Take some of that $$$$ RIGHT NOW and preempt what will otherwise be a costly nightmare in a few years. Post your location and find a therapist and other professionals who can help you institute a wonderful plan of boundaries starting now. Take out a loan if necessary, and take a leave of absence from your job for 4+ months so you have the energy to care for yourself and implement the new plan from a place of strength and calmness.

It’s MUCH easier and MUCH cheaper to deal with this now than in 5 years when they’re 13 and 10 years old!!!!! If ch”v they needed expensive medical treatment, you’d stop working and find the money. This is just as important. I’m davening for you and your family’s Menuchas Hanefesh ans emotional health. You can do it!!!!!
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 06 2020, 9:27 am
Can you also stop the bad behavior when it starts before it escalates?
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2gether




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 06 2020, 2:06 pm
If indeed in Israel try to get into a children psychologist at the Kupah through Hitpatchut Hayeled
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dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 06 2020, 2:32 pm
banana123 wrote:
G-d willing, with the right help, bigsis' kid will turn into a mentsch. In the meantime, the child needed help ages ago, and it doesn't seem like he's received the help he needed.

In the meantime, time is running out, his HPA axis is probably already dumping hormones into his system and if this continues until puberty - which is less than a year and a half away - then I am much more afraid for the children and adults he will prey on now and later than that his mother will cry. I don't want bigsis in tears she needs to act now to avoid him being in jail later.

Right now he doesn't need jail but that is where he will end up if this doesn't end.

I live in Israel. Recently we had a gang rape case. Most of the suspects arrested are minors -ages 16, 17, maybe some are 16. The victim was a 16yo girl.

Everyone asks, how could high schoolers do such a thing to another teenager? This is how. No boundaries, do what you want, control others.

Now those teenage suspects are under arrest. Some are now "only" under house arrest. At least some of the suspects will probably land in jail.

May bigsis have the strength to take the steps to ensure she is never the mother of the rapist, and that she never becomes the mother of both the rapist and the victim.


How awful. Crying

And, I agree with banana. What the poster who is now anonymous writes is so incredibly disturbing, I fear she needs much more intervention than a social worker at this point. I really feel sorry for her and hope her family gets the help they need.
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banana123




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 06 2020, 2:40 pm
dancingqueen wrote:
How awful. Crying

And, I agree with banana. What the poster who is now anonymous writes is so incredibly disturbing, I fear she needs much more intervention than a social worker at this point. I really feel sorry for her and hope her family gets the help they need.

Thank you for bringing her decision to go anon to my attention. I've changed how I refer to her, as well as her name in the post of hers which I quoted.

Would you mind editing your posts quoting me to reflect the changes I made to my posts?

(BTW, anyone who wants to change how their post quotes hers can paste this: [quote="amother [ Blue ]"] into where her name is.)
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lilies




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 06 2020, 2:46 pm
amother [ Blue ] wrote:
I read some of the advice posted “just give them boundaries”, “don’t let them talk to you that way” and I just laugh so that I don’t cry. Some people have NO IDEA.





Physical appropriateness has become a new thing lately.



I’ve 100% told my therapist that if an adult treated me the way my kids have I’d have filed a harassment suit (if a stranger), divorced (if a spouse) and called the cops and then left and never looked back.

But I can’t, cuz they’re MY KIDS.

It is the most absolute form of torture conceivable.



People have no idea. They really don't.
The physical inappropriate behavior is quite normal for a kid with RAD. It's a form of control, of getting a rise out of a parent.
And yes, living with a child like this is a form of abuse, and parents suffer from a unique form of ptsd.
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amother
Tan


 

Post Sun, Sep 06 2020, 2:58 pm
[quote="banana123"]Thank you for bringing her decision to go anon to my attention. I've changed how I refer to her, as well as her name in the post of hers which I quoted.

Would you mind editing your posts quoting me to reflect the changes I made to my posts?

(BTW, anyone who wants to change how their post quotes hers can paste this:
amother [ Blue ] wrote:
into where her name is.)

There is a reference to the poster's screen name in the quote by dancing queen. Is there a way for dancing queen to fix that?
Just wanted to address that poster, please be aware of your daughter at all times. What will be in a couple of years at night time? How can you protect her then? Unless someone is with her each night, all night long, there is no way to guarantee her brother won't come in to her room.
This is a heartbreaking situation but you need to think long term, as well.
There was a student in my school with a similar issue, and he had to be on medication under care of a psychiatrist. For himself as well as those around him.
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amother
Blue


 

Post Sun, Sep 06 2020, 3:24 pm
amother [ Tan ] wrote:
There is a reference to the poster's screen name in the quote by dancing queen. Is there a way for dancing queen to fix that?
Just wanted to address that poster, please be aware of your daughter at all times. What will be in a couple of years at night time? How can you protect her then? Unless someone is with her each night, all night long, there is no way to guarantee her brother won't come in to her room.
This is a heartbreaking situation but you need to think long term, as well.
There was a student in my school with a similar issue, and he had to be on medication under care of a psychiatrist. For himself as well as those around him.


It’s okay if I’m not scrubbed completely from this thread, but the effort is appreciated 💙

I think there was some utility to posting under my “real name”, it puts a face and accountability to my story. I’m a long-time poster and I’ve spilled my guts on this site many times over the years in the hopes that my journey will make others feel less alone. (FranticFrummie, you’re my role model and I hope to be as wise and balanced a mom as you!) But yeah, once I realized this is a public thread, I had to take my son’s anonymity into account. IYH one day this darkness will be in our past and the people who need to know things will know what they need to know, and he deserves privacy. He is not a monster all the time, I swear.

I heard an amazing vort recently about the ben sorer u’moreh in the parsha — at no point do his parents bring a korban chatas, nor does the passuk blame them in any way. Yes, a connection is made to the inyan of eshes yefas to’ar just before, but there is no direct condemnation of the parents in the passuk. A nazir did something kadosh yet brings a korban for his “sin”, but the parents of such a child are not punished by Beis Din, nor do they bring any korban to ask forgiveness of HaShem. They have suffered enough, and it is possible that they have done all they could. Wow.
My situation is not the same (nor was this horrific scenario ever actually enforced historically) but I needed to hear that last week.
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