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My dc, 3, crying at playgroup :( UPDATED p 2 BH
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sat, Sep 05 2020, 11:58 pm
My dc has never been in playgroup/babysitter before.
He just started playgroup last week for 2 days, and cried for over an hour each day Sad

should I stay for some time until she's settled in?
Any eitzos?

It's heartbreaking Sad
(No, this isn't my oldest, not my yiungest, but I didn't have this with any other kid)

He also starts crying when I leave his room after we say shema at night Sad
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Frumme




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Sep 06 2020, 12:12 am
Very normal for a toddler who has never been to playgroup before! It's only been two days-- try giving it another day or two. It is definitely difficult but as long as the location is safe, the morah is kind, dc comes home clean and unbruised, etc, he'll probably be fine Smile just needs an adjustment period.
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Odelyah




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Sep 06 2020, 12:23 am
I'm so sorry Sad am I correct in assuming you need daycare for him because you are at work during that time?
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pizza4




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Sep 06 2020, 12:30 am
Maybe try staying for an hour with her in the mornings for a day or two. Sometimes kids need that reassurance.
I used to think the only way a kid will settle in is if the mom leaves right away, but I've seen since that its perfectly fine if the mom stays for a little. Maybe also see if you can pick up early the first day or two.
What do you think your child needs, really, is what you might want to ask yourself.
I've also left my child crying, going to playgroup, its heartbreaking, but I thought that was the only way. I wouldn't do that nowadays.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Sep 06 2020, 12:47 am
Odelyah wrote:
I'm so sorry Sad am I correct in assuming you need daycare for him because you are at work during that time?


No. I think he would gain from it. (I know that sounds like the mommies who send it their babies for the social aspect, but he's not just 3. He is almost 4.)
I kept him home until now.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Sep 06 2020, 12:50 am
pizza4 wrote:
Maybe try staying for an hour with her in the mornings for a day or two. Sometimes kids need that reassurance.
I used to think the only way a kid will settle in is if the mom leaves right away, but I've seen since that its perfectly fine if the mom stays for a little. Maybe also see if you can pick up early the first day or two.
What do you think your child needs, really, is what you might want to ask yourself.
I've also left my child crying, going to playgroup, its heartbreaking, but I thought that was the only way. I wouldn't do that nowadays.


Thank you.
I'm not sure if I should just leave, like I did the first 2 days, or stay for a little. 15 minutes?
What if he still screams then? Sad

I'm going to try sending him with a family picture or toy, or something like that.
And online I found nice book called "the kissing hand". Will try reading.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Sep 06 2020, 12:51 am
Frumme wrote:
Very normal for a toddler who has never been to playgroup before! It's only been two days-- try giving it another day or two. It is definitely difficult but as long as the location is safe, the morah is kind, dc comes home clean and unbruised, etc, he'll probably be fine Smile just needs an adjustment period.


Would you recommend just saying bye and leaving, or staying 5-15 minus and settling him in?
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amother




Brunette
 

Post  Sun, Sep 06 2020, 12:53 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
No. I think he would gain from it. (I know that sounds like the mommies who send it their babies for the social aspect, but he's not just 3. He is almost 4.)
I kept him home until now.

It sounds like he's not gaining from it at this point. An hour of crying is a lot for a 3-year-old.

Can you do a Mommy & Me with him for the social aspect, and wait until he cries less at night before putting him into playgroup again?
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Odelyah




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Sep 06 2020, 12:56 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
No. I think he would gain from it. (I know that sounds like the mommies who send it their babies for the social aspect, but he's not just 3. He is almost 4.)
I kept him home until now.


I think that if you do not need him to be there then he should not be forced to go at this age. He is not gaining right now, he is suffering. You can always try again in a few months if you think he is ready.
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Odelyah




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Sep 06 2020, 12:59 am
just clarifying--the crying after shema started after playgroup right?
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amother




Bisque
 

Post  Sun, Sep 06 2020, 1:59 am
Odelyah wrote:
I think that if you do not need him to be there then he should not be forced to go at this age. He is not gaining right now, he is suffering. You can always try again in a few months if you think he is ready.


Until what age. My dd is in an older 4 yr old group - kindergarten. And there are girls who are crying a lot during drop off there.
I think most kids get sad and confused the first time they start something new and have to adjust to Mommy leaving and understanding that Mommy will come back.
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amother




Brunette
 

Post  Sun, Sep 06 2020, 2:27 am
amother [ Bisque ] wrote:
Until what age. My dd is in an older 4 yr old group - kindergarten. And there are girls who are crying a lot during drop off there.
I think most kids get sad and confused the first time they start something new and have to adjust to Mommy leaving and understanding that Mommy will come back.

Crying for 15 minutes - yes. Crying over an hour is a long time. It sounds like he is not ready yet, and I don't think it is fair to force him to adjust to something which is obviously major for him, especially if it's intended to be for his own good.
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Odelyah




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Sep 06 2020, 4:28 am
amother [ Bisque ] wrote:
Until what age. My dd is in an older 4 yr old group - kindergarten. And there are girls who are crying a lot during drop off there.
I think most kids get sad and confused the first time they start something new and have to adjust to Mommy leaving and understanding that Mommy will come back.


If children have a normal, healthy home then the youngest age they need to go to school is when they start real keriyah. This is used to be age 5. Now sometimes it's 4. Any younger than that, if the family needs daycare because the mother is working, then fine. Many younger kids are OK with that and end up having fun too, but many are really not ready. In those situations there is no benefit to the child to go. (Certainly no benefit that outweighs the trauma and abandonment they experience r"l.) If the mother needs to work and the child is not ready for daycare/preschool then they may need a babysitter in their own home.

If a 4 year old lives somewhere where he/she is starting real school/keriyah at that age then I would do different things depending on what kind of crying we are talking about. If they cry a lot but the parent is able to reassure and calm them before leaving, and they are OK after they leave and play happily during the day it's one thing, if they cry and cling and beg the parent not to leave and have to be physically detached then I wouldn't leave. I would stay with them and try to gradually wean them step by step each day, as long as it takes.
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amother




Purple
 

Post  Sun, Sep 06 2020, 5:20 am
Frumme wrote:
Very normal for a toddler who has never been to playgroup before! It's only been two days-- try giving it another day or two. It is definitely difficult but as long as the location is safe, the morah is kind, dc comes home clean and unbruised, etc, he'll probably be fine Smile just needs an adjustment period.

Not in my experience. I find that kids do cry but only for a few minutes on the first few days, not for longer than 5-10 minutes.

Certainly at almost 4 this should not be happening, at that age they are usually ready and the transition period is easier, not harder.

My suggestion to OP is to put a recording device in his bag (hidden) to see if there's anything going on that you need to know about. If there isn't then maybe get him evaluated if this continues more than another few days.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Sep 06 2020, 8:28 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thank you.
I'm not sure if I should just leave, like I did the first 2 days, or stay for a little. 15 minutes?
What if he still screams then? Sad

I'm going to try sending him with a family picture or toy, or something like that.
And online I found nice book called "the kissing hand". Will try reading.


This is such a good book! I read it to DD when she was little, and now I read it to the 4yo girl I babysit. It's definitely a favorite.
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amother




Bisque
 

Post  Sun, Sep 06 2020, 9:09 am
amother [ Brunette ] wrote:
Crying for 15 minutes - yes. Crying over an hour is a long time. It sounds like he is not ready yet, and I don't think it is fair to force him to adjust to something which is obviously major for him, especially if it's intended to be for his own good.


Each child I’ve sent there have been at least 1 kid in 4 that cry almost the entire time for a few days.
I know my sil has had that also.
Some kids are more sensitive or more likely to do that. Especially if it’s the first time away from their mother with someone they don’t know.
Some kids run to 4 he olds happy and some don’t. Sometimes waiting until older doesn’t help for some kids.
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pbandjelly




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Sep 06 2020, 9:14 am
amother [ Purple ] wrote:
Not in my experience. I find that kids do cry but only for a few minutes on the first few days, not for longer than 5-10 minutes.

Certainly at almost 4 this should not be happening, at that age they are usually ready and the transition period is easier, not harder.

My suggestion to OP is to put a recording device in his bag (hidden) to see if there's anything going on that you need to know about. If there isn't then maybe get him evaluated if this continues more than another few days.


Check if this is legal in your state before doing.
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amother




Crimson
 

Post  Sun, Sep 06 2020, 9:24 am
Obviously if he is in distress this is clearly not benefiting him at all. On the contrary this experience is causing a trauma to him and is completely unnecessary to cause this type of trauma on a child. Either work with the teacher to transition slowly until there are no tears or pull him out altogether.
But either way obviously please don’t just continue to leave him crying.
Hatzlacha!
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amother




cornflower
 

Post  Sun, Sep 06 2020, 9:40 am
It's only been 2 days!! Give it some time. I'd definitely not pull him out. Ask if you can stay for the first 15 mins after dropping him off. He will still cry but hopefully he'll calm down faster. Also say bye properly. Mummy is just going to make supper, and then will come back to fetch you. Don't just run off. You need him to trust you. Hatzlocho
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Frumme




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Sep 06 2020, 10:28 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Would you recommend just saying bye and leaving, or staying 5-15 minus and settling him in?


It might be a good idea to visit the morah's house for 30 min or so with your dc at a time when there are no kids around. Sit and play a little with him so he's more comfortable with his surroundings the next time he goes. Then when you're packing his lunch box at home, let him know you've put in a special surprise for him (like kedem tea biscuits) so that he looks forward to playgroup.

Even better, maybe see if you can arrange a playdate with another child in the playgroup. Sometimes toddlers will be very excited to see their friends and that will be incentive enough to go to playgroup!
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