 |
|
 |
 |
|
|
Forum
-> Parenting our children
|
amother
OP
|
 Mon, Sep 07 2020, 9:10 am
Saw this thread this morning.
I am a bubby. My one daughter lives in lakewood with 4 kids, all 2 years apart. Her oldest just turning 7. Her husband still learning & she’s working.
Sometimes when I come home from visiting them I think about her hard life and wonder how much of an actual choice she’s made for this life or if it’s just happening.
They really don’t plan stuff; I find them reactionary as opposed to proactive in most of their life’s decisions. I say nothing, try to be as supportive emotionally as possible. I listen to her often, She feels very overwhelmed on Sundays Particularly. She is alone with the 4 kids and at the end of day she’s ready to just break down from frustration. She doesn’t know what to do with them and even if she had a semi plan she says it’s no fun doing it alone. She called me last night in tears asking me how I did it? She doesn’t have memories of a frazzled overwhelmed mom I guess. B’H. I was t alone on Sunday’s. I try not to say that too much, Cz she doesn’t like when me and dh give our opinion about it’s time for her dh to work. Which we don’t. But she asked me last night! I suggested small trips that wouldn’t be so hard for her alone. Ie library, park, getting together with Her friends and their kids. I also did a lot of city community lessons. Ie swimming, dance etc. It wasn’t a lot of money but I don’t know what they have on lakewood?
I got off phone thinking : my daughter loves her children, but does not like being a mom.
I cannot relate. But I bet many many moms feel this way. And I don’t blame them one bit.
Lots and lots of pressure these days.
| |
|
| Back to top |
 9
 13
|
|
amother
Peach
|
Mon, Sep 07 2020, 9:38 am
I dont think this has to do with the system.
It has to do with having 4 kids, assuming they are little.
That is very overwhelming!!!!
Sundays are very hard to entertain little ones.
For me its much easier to take them out then to entertain at home.
Shabbos is the hardest day for me.
| |
|
| Back to top |
1
6
|
Chayalle
|
Mon, Sep 07 2020, 10:30 am
Does she have friends she can get together with on a Sunday, with kids? I'm trying to remember my "younger mother" years and I definitely got out, but I never had 4 under 7. (I had 4 under age 10, counting my foster son who was with my family back then.) I used to load the kids into the car and go somewhere - the mall, Walmart, a friend, one of my sisters, etc...and I definitely see other young mothers with kids out and about.
I do remember that Sundays were my most exhausting day - it was the day I tried to get some things done to make the rest of my week easier - like putting some soups or suppers in the freezer or for Shabbos - while entertaining the kids, shopping, errands, etc....but this did not make me unhappy being a Mom. I don't think going to sleep exhausting = miserable. It just means putting in a full day.
I think this is just a stage now, with 4 little kids. B"EH they will grow up (too fast!) and it will pass, and she will have time to enjoy them as they get older.
I also want to say this (and let the rotten tomatoes fly). I say this as someone whose DH is still in Klei Kodesh 20+ years into marriage B"H. I also have had IF, and hope that B"EH my children will have more children, more easily than I did (IF is generally not hereditary). I am still concerned for them to keep in mind what they can handle. I asked a friend of mine, who is a social worker, what a parent's responsibility to her children is in this regard, and she said - talk to them about this NOW. After they get married, you keep your mouth shut and don't say a word!
Staring in their upper teens, I talk to my girls alot about the importance of a mother being calm and happy, and balancing that with the Hashkafa of the beauty of every child brought into the world. I talk to them about a life centered around Torah, but that it has to work for the family, and a husband going to work to support his family is also a strong Torah value.
My kids are not reactionary - they know what they are looking for in marriage and in life. I'm not sitting back and waiting for them to find themselves in a lifestyle where they don't feel they have choices, because they do.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
10
|
Ruchel
|
Mon, Sep 07 2020, 10:36 am
|
You mean she doesn't like being a working mom whose husband isn't there on sunday
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
21
|
|
amother
Seashell
|
Mon, Sep 07 2020, 2:31 pm
I am a SAHM and my husband works.
And I also love my children but find parenting very challenging to say the least.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
3
|
|
amother
OP
|
Mon, Sep 07 2020, 2:50 pm
| Ruchel wrote: | | You mean she doesn't like being a working mom whose husband isn't there on sunday |
This.
Yes & chayelle everything you said too.
I did talk to my kids when they were teenagers.
But I’m wondering if it really helped. I talked more about spacing kids, & knowing what one can handle & appreciating your children.
My son (With 3, expecting no 4 now) actually thanked me a couple of years ago for that talk.
But I think my own dd thought it was too ‘secular’ & always wanted to be more on the right than how she was raised.
We are very close now & I think she appreciates me more now then back then. But that’s typical of teenagers.
I know this is a stage. & everyone is different.
I did suggest that she get together with friends with small kids too. Again she stated that it’s too hard to it all yourself.
Her dh is great with the kids and very hands on Abba. In fact she relies on him so much during the week, & due to fact he’s in Kollel, he gets kids off in morning and she goes to work.
When he’s around it’s like having a second mom there.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
4
|
|
amother
Vermilion
|
Mon, Sep 07 2020, 2:55 pm
My kids are 4,3,2 and 1. I don't even try to go out. It's just too much. And when I am home alone it means I have no car. And my 1 yr old can get out of any seat belt and jump intoy arms.
Right now it's grueling work. But I am 38 and wanted to have my kids before it became more difficult in other ways.
I am grateful for every minute. But some minutes do feel like an hour.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
8
|
Rachel Shira
|
Mon, Sep 07 2020, 2:58 pm
|
As a mother of young kids and hoping to have more soon, I don’t think what you’re saying is necessarily her reality. Maybe she is resentful, overextended, reactionary, and doesn’t like being a mother, but it’s equally possible that she chose this for herself and even though there are very difficult days, she’s in it for the end goal of having a large, beautiful family. I love my kids and love being a mother, but especially on solo days I’m exhausted and frustrated. It’s tiring, as you know. I hope my mother wouldn’t think I don’t love being a mother. You can love it and be overwhelmed at the same time. For me at this point in my life, being overwhelmed now (not to the point of dysfunction of course, just basic exhaustion and running around like a headless chicken) is not a good reason to not have more kids, or make certain other life choices.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
6
|
|
amother
OP
|
Mon, Sep 07 2020, 2:59 pm
| amother [ Vermilion ] wrote: | My kids are 4,3,2 and 1. I don't even try to go out. It's just too much. And when I am home alone it means I have no car. And my 1 yr old can get out of any seat belt and jump intoy arms.
Right now it's grueling work. But I am 38 and wanted to have my kids before it became more difficult in other ways.
I am grateful for every minute. But some minutes do feel like an hour. |
Your kids are 4,3,2 & 1??
You get the mother of the year award. I salute you!!
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
12
|
keym
|
Mon, Sep 07 2020, 3:02 pm
I do want to point out that now with Corona, everything that we would do on Sundays are so much more complicated.
Library, playgrounds, museums, Walmart, etc all require masks and social distancing. That means not just bringing all 4 kids but enforcing the mask wearing on all of them. It means constantly making sure that her kids don't wander too close to other families.
Sometimes it makes it not worth it.
As a mother, I really didn't appreciate over the past 6 months when my mother told me all the fun activities she did with us as kids and I should be doing. Hello, Ma, the library is closed. The playground is closed. The park is open but the bathrooms are closed.
Parenting during and after a pandemic is nothing like parenting 30 years ago.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
15
|
|
amother
OP
|
Mon, Sep 07 2020, 3:04 pm
| keym wrote: | I do want to point out that now with Corona, everything that we would do on Sundays are so much more complicated.
Library, playgrounds, museums, Walmart, etc all require masks and social distancing. That means not just bringing all 4 kids but enforcing the mask wearing on all of them. It means constantly making sure that her kids don't wander too close to other families.
Sometimes it makes it not worth it.
As a mother, I really didn't appreciate over the past 6 months when my mother told me all the fun activities she did with us as kids and I should be doing. Hello, Ma, the library is closed. The playground is closed. The park is open but the bathrooms are closed.
Parenting during and after a pandemic is nothing like parenting 30 years ago. |
She asked me.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
1
|
|
amother
OP
|
Mon, Sep 07 2020, 3:05 pm
| Rachel Shira wrote: | | As a mother of young kids and hoping to have more soon, I don’t think what you’re saying is necessarily her reality. Maybe she is resentful, overextended, reactionary, and doesn’t like being a mother, but it’s equally possible that she chose this for herself and even though there are very difficult days, she’s in it for the end goal of having a large, beautiful family. I love my kids and love being a mother, but especially on solo days I’m exhausted and frustrated. It’s tiring, as you know. I hope my mother wouldn’t think I don’t love being a mother. You can love it and be overwhelmed at the same time. For me at this point in my life, being overwhelmed now (not to the point of dysfunction of course, just basic exhaustion and running around like a headless chicken) is not a good reason to not have more kids, or make certain other life choices. |
She told me herself she’s resentful
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
1
|
keym
|
Mon, Sep 07 2020, 3:10 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | She asked me. |
Oh I wasn't accusing you of being a meddling Mommy.
I'm just saying. Many of these activities you describe are so much more complicated to do with enforcing corona rules.
Many of my more adventurous friends are staying put more because the rules make it hard for the kids.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
4
|
sky
|
Mon, Sep 07 2020, 5:49 pm
I only recently graduated from the many babies stage. Some thoughts
1. 4 babies under 4 is pretty common where I live. I dont think you realize how hard it will be until then. Until then it can be manageable. . I find many ppl after 4 under 4 take a few year break at that point. Even very yeshivish. (Although a few years down the line I really enjoy the closeness in age)
2. You forget how hard it as after just a few short years. I keep telling my husband not to let me forget what life was like with many babies so I don’t say things other say or make ppls life harder like others do. I find many ppl remember their child raising years with false nostalgia. Ppl I know and saw raise kids.
3. Mothers bear the brundt of their daughters tiredness. My mother always hears it and mentions it. It’s because I love her so much I can be so open with her. But I think she hears life worse then it is. Just bec I complain tho her doesn’t mean I don’t love my children or my life.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
5
|
|
amother
Ginger
|
Mon, Sep 07 2020, 6:58 pm
| sky wrote: | I only recently graduated from the many babies stage. Some thoughts
1. 4 babies under 4 is pretty common where I live. I dont think you realize how hard it will be until then. Until then it can be manageable. . I find many ppl after 4 under 4 take a few year break at that point. |
I guess people in ur neighborhood are not on ima lol
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
3
|
|
amother
Ginger
|
Mon, Sep 07 2020, 6:59 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | Saw this thread this morning.
I am a bubby. My one daughter lives in lakewood with 4 kids, all 2 years apart. Her oldest just turning 7. Her husband still learning & she’s working.
Sometimes when I come home from visiting them I think about her hard life and wonder how much of an actual choice she’s made for this life or if it’s just happening.
They really don’t plan stuff; I find them reactionary as opposed to proactive in most of their life’s decisions. I say nothing, try to be as supportive emotionally as possible. I listen to her often, She feels very overwhelmed on Sundays Particularly. She is alone with the 4 kids and at the end of day she’s ready to just break down from frustration. She doesn’t know what to do with them and even if she had a semi plan she says it’s no fun doing it alone. She called me last night in tears asking me how I did it? She doesn’t have memories of a frazzled overwhelmed mom I guess. B’H. I was t alone on Sunday’s. I try not to say that too much, Cz she doesn’t like when me and dh give our opinion about it’s time for her dh to work. Which we don’t. But she asked me last night! I suggested small trips that wouldn’t be so hard for her alone. Ie library, park, getting together with Her friends and their kids. I also did a lot of city community lessons. Ie swimming, dance etc. It wasn’t a lot of money but I don’t know what they have on lakewood?
I got off phone thinking : my daughter loves her children, but does not like being a mom.
I cannot relate. But I bet many many moms feel this way. And I don’t blame them one bit.
Lots and lots of pressure these days. |
Op what exactly do you think would be a happier life?
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
3
|
rainbow dash
|
Mon, Sep 07 2020, 7:08 pm
|
What does the husband do on sundays?
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
0
|
|
amother
Chartreuse
|
Mon, Sep 07 2020, 7:14 pm
| rainbow dash wrote: | | What does the husband do on sundays? |
I would guess he is in kollel
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
4
|
|
amother
OP
|
Mon, Sep 07 2020, 7:39 pm
| amother [ Ginger ] wrote: | | Op what exactly do you think would be a happier life? |
I don’t know. I’m not judging her and or her life.
Was just venting and stating my thoughts here on ima mother.
| |
|
| Back to top |
2
1
|
|
amother
Ginger
|
Mon, Sep 07 2020, 7:54 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | I don’t know. I’m not judging her and or her life.
Was just venting and stating my thoughts here on ima mother. |
Yeah I get that. No one has a perfect life. Every situation is challenging.
Older singles , or childless couples- do u think are happier?
If the husband is working there is plenty to juggle also-isn't there?
| |
|
| Back to top |
2
0
|
| Related Topics |
Replies |
Last Post |
|
|
If you're expecting to get comments about your parenting
|
0 |
Sun, Apr 21 2024, 1:38 pm  |
|
|
S/o Parenting with limited finances
|
36 |
Thu, Apr 18 2024, 3:27 pm |
|
|
Do you enjoy the Seder?
|
61 |
Sun, Apr 14 2024, 7:24 pm |
|
|
Parenting the sensitive child
|
2 |
Tue, Apr 09 2024, 7:48 pm |
|
|
Parenting course for complicated kids
|
23 |
Sun, Mar 31 2024, 9:58 am |
|
|
Imamother may earn commission when you use our links to make a purchase.
© 2024 Imamother.com - All rights reserved
|  |
 |
|
 |
|
|
