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Forum
-> Parenting our children
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amother
OP
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 Mon, Sep 07 2020, 9:29 pm
| amother wrote: |
.... we would never become more mature if we don't grow from our life experiences. When my kids were still young I once crossed the street when it wasn't clear of oncoming cars because my mind was preoccupied and a man screamed at me out of his car window. I internalized the story and it never happend again, I made sure to be fully aware when I was crossing. Mistakes don't make us bad parents, mistakes mean that we are human. |
This was taken from another thread
and I really appreciated reading this. It made me feel better about mistakes I've made as a parent/and in general. There's no way around making mistakes, the main things is whether we learn from them or not.
Was wondering if others felt comfortable posting mistakes they have made ( with parenting or even anything else) . Maybe it will also help the op on that thread - to see that we have all been there to.
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amother
Pumpkin
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Mon, Sep 07 2020, 10:18 pm
I wish I’d be more positive and less negative from day 1.
It affects the whole house and very difficult to change .
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Debbie
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Mon, Sep 07 2020, 11:12 pm
I'm not sure if this is a parenting mistake, but despite all my efforts I failed in my efforts to breastfeed my first baby; sadly I was at the receiving end of some rather mean comments from other frum mothers, which lead to me feeling like a failure and worse that I didn't deserve to be a mother.
My mistake was that I was so focused on that one aspect of mothering that I had failed at that I didn't look at or think about everything I was doing well.
One mother even told me "You didn't try hard enough!" I wish I'd had the courage to reply "You're not trying hard enough to be a kind and understanding person."
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amother
White
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 5:05 am
I never gave my kids regular chores. Sure I expected PJ's under pillow or in hamper etc but nothing more. Then when they got to high school I felt they were worked so hard and had such long days I shldnt ask too much of them after school.
When lockdown came I realise how little they do to help voluntarily because they were not made aware of all the chores done daily for them (loading dishwasher, emptying trash, straightening rooms)
They are now late teens and have become more aware .
The good bit is my girls who are post SEM learnt there (ey) how to look after a home/apartment and are more aware.
But if I began again I would likely do weekly chore which could change at the start of each week.
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amother
Periwinkle
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 5:12 am
I drove on the wrong side of the road, facing oncoming traffic.
I learned my mistake and always take precautions to look carefully. I am very grateful my story has a happy ending.
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amother
Slategray
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 5:28 am
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I regret having my asd kid evaluated so young. He regressed significantly from all his therapists who judged him by his diagnosis instead of working towards his strengths. I also regret not fighting his school earlier. I trusted their judgment, and in the last 7 years, they turned him from a verbal child to a nonverbal child. I started questioning everything in June, and once I got a lawyer involved, he started getting better treatment. I should have made scenes every time his teachers or therapists didn't listen to me or he came home with a bruise.
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SuperWify
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 5:32 am
| amother [ Slategray ] wrote: | | I regret having my asd kid evaluated so young. He regressed significantly from all his therapists who judged him by his diagnosis instead of working towards his strengths. I also regret not fighting his school earlier. I trusted their judgment, and in the last 7 years, they turned him from a verbal child to a nonverbal child. I started questioning everything in June, and once I got a lawyer involved, he started getting better treatment. I should have made scenes every time his teachers or therapists didn't listen to me or he came home with a bruise. |
Bruises! Became non verbal? That’s terrible and I hope you get the justice you deserve.  
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Good Friend
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 5:37 am
I put my baby in tights from like 6 months (that's how I was raised), but my parents house is all carpet and mine is hardwood, and so it delayed her walking by several months because she couldn't get a grip, until someone pointed this out and I took off the tights.
When I had just gotten my license 2 weeks before I was driving down a side street which crossed a busy street with cars going quickly in both directions. It did not even occur to me to enter the street and then make a U-turn to safely get past the street, I just looked both ways and drove straight across. I missed an oncoming car (which was speeding) and we crashed. The car was totaled, but Boruch Hashem I was fine! I learned my lesson.
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amother
Plum
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 5:40 am
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I regret not disciplining DC when DC was younger, dc is now 14 and it's super hard to teach them to help around the house like washing dishes or even taking out the garbage. Additionally because DC never did anything, they don't understand for example that when dc splashes water on the floor (dc always does this) it must be wiped immediately or someone will step into it and it will be harder to clean it up. Basically doesn't understand the value of keeping the house clean and put together because DC never tasted how it feels to clean up. I'm in the process of teaching DC but it's extremely hard and takes very long. How I wish this was done at a younger age.
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amother
Lawngreen
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 6:17 am
I firmly believe Hashem leads us in a certain path and knows the mistakes we will make and allows us to do them as it is needed for our education, our improving, our sympathy for others who have done the same or for whatever other reason beyond our understanding.
I can say I regret giving my older kids vaccines before I learned all about them but I know Hashem only opened my eyes to the truth of the injuries of my earlier kids had after the fact for a reason only he knows and what I had to do with that truth is use the knowledge I was shown and keep them away from my younger kids. We need not to dwell on guilty feelings or anything negative if it was done already and just see what we need to learn from it for the future. I fully believe if Hashem showed you vaccines were the best for your child then they can be but if Hashem showed you they were the worst, they will be as well. Don't ignore information staring you in the face because you were taught something else at first. It's ok to say you learned from previous mistakes and know Hashem is behind everything.
I also thought I was doing the best for my special needs kids by giving them every therapy out there and pushing diagnoses until I received all benefits but I saw as the years went on that only some were really beneficial and others just labeled them so even they felt they had to fit into a special needs box and couldn't go further. One of my kids pushed out and is doing fine mainstreamed but it was her strength that did it, I was unsure. I had to fight the school system and school professionals who insisted she couldn't be outside a special needs class.
Both of these big issues taught me not to trust doctors blindly. They are not always going to give you the best advice or orders that benefit you the most. Research a lot and hearing from other parents who went through the same is indefinitely more important than just saying "I'm sure my doctor knows best". Question your doctor. If they are too egotistical or busy to answer you properly then they are not for you. Many of my doctors suggested something else after I didn't agree to the things they suggested that were directly medications with serious side effects. I told them I would like to try something more alternative first and see how it goes. They were supportive but it is not easy for a regular doctor to be told we don't want the first solution learned in med school and to think outside the box for the benefit of the patient. That we should find the cause of the issue and not just treat the symptom. Many of my non medicated ways turned out fine. I'm not anti all medication, just turning to drugs as a first choice after most of our family reacts poorly to them. Sometimes simple solutions can prevent a medication being needed such as a low carb diet during pregnancy approved by the dietician prevented insulin which the doctor said I couldn't avoid but I did as I took the diet seriously. Doctors don't give patients much credit and assume a drug will be needed so already prescribe it without urging other ways first. Also pain meds were prescribed to me as the only way to manage autoimmune issues but massage and reflexology helped it greatly and no pain remained.
I judged my overweight children harshly and really tried to help but my help backfired as I did not accept these children fully as they were. I should see them as beautiful no matter what size they are. Non judgmental help goes much further. This comes from my own insecurity and problems with weight and I should have known better.
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amother
OP
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 7:10 am
Thanks you for sharing. I'll share one of my own
When my oldest was around 18 months we went to my in-laws for shabbos. I was feeling really tired during the afternoon and my fil offered to watch dd (who just learned to walk) outside while I took a rest ( I don't remember where my mil or dh was at that time ). Fil is fantastic with kids but I know that he tends to somtimes get distracted or spacy., So I felt uncomfortable with the idea (outside was sort of gated in but not completely so she could get out). I told my fil that dd runs all over the place and she's really hard to watch.... he reassured me not to worry, he joked that he had his own kids so knows how to watch babies.... I was still more newly married at that point (under 3 yrs) so felt uncomfortable not allowing fil to watch her....
I went to rest but couldn't fall asleep bec I felt uneasy.... About 30-40 minutes later I heard a knock at the door. It was a stranger holding dd staying she was driving down the street and stoped in front of dd who was in middle of the street. (Fil ended up dozing off a few moments on the bench outside while watching dd) it took me a while to calm down after that....
I learned my lesson really well then. If im unassertive by other things fine. But NEVER when it comes to my kids. And if I have a bad feeling about something not to ignore it.
My in-laws enioy enjoying watching the kids but now I only allow from ages 4/5 and up (I trust mil but can never be sure she won't run out to the store or something and leave fil in charge) they think I'm way too overprotective of my kids but honestly I don't really care. (I don't tell them the real reason bec then fil would say don't worry, I'll be careful.... and I know it's his personality to be alittle spacy so I still wouldn't feel confident in leaving them, so it's better to not even start with that)
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ChanieMommy
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 7:17 am
| amother [ Slategray ] wrote: | | I regret having my asd kid evaluated so young. He regressed significantly from all his therapists who judged him by his diagnosis instead of working towards his strengths. I also regret not fighting his school earlier. I trusted their judgment, and in the last 7 years, they turned him from a verbal child to a nonverbal child. I started questioning everything in June, and once I got a lawyer involved, he started getting better treatment. I should have made scenes every time his teachers or therapists didn't listen to me or he came home with a bruise. |
Wow! I am shocked
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HeartyAppetite
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 7:34 am
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I used to leave my 2 year old in the bathtub with about 1-2 inches of water And toys themselves, while I did household chores. I frequently checked up on him so I thought it was safe. I actually posted it on imamother once, and I appreciate the women That made me aware of how dangerous it was. It was a true learning moment.
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silverlining3
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 7:43 am
I regret wanting to be the perfect first time mom by exclusively nursing, not even pumping.
I had to stop breastfeeding at an early age and it was MURDER getting my child to, nevermind formula, but drink from a bottle to begin with.
All my other kids, from day one, minimum once a day a bottle.
So much calmer
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amother
Vermilion
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Wed, Sep 09 2020, 2:30 am
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I had a great time breastfeeding my baby until about 9 months when due completely to mistakes of mine (I stopped pumping at work so would go 12 hours without expressing) I let my supply dry up.
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amother
Salmon
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Wed, Sep 09 2020, 3:06 am
I regret allowing my add husband to handle the finances as per all the marriage advice popularly touted . That led to us being in massive debt even though I had a high paying job and have worked from teenage years till now late 30s.
I regret not being stricter with oldest. Lack of boundaries when little made it tougher to enforce as he got older. We're in a good place now but would've been easier if started sooner.
I regret starting off marriage without a real financial plan. Because I grew up rich money and making money were not on my radar. I'm the op of grew up rich and now poor for reference.
I regret going to college to say I went college and got a degree that is useless.
I regret not going into my father's business.
I had a sneaking suspicion about my husband when we dated that something was off. I regret not listening to that voice inside me.
I regret working like a shmatte for a boss who did not appreciate my work. I now have firm boundaries in place at work and will never ever bend those again.
I regret going into teaching when I was young. Totally not cut out for it and stayed way longer than I should have
I regret not keeping up with certain friends.
I regret having so many kids. I didn't realize how hard things get as they get older.
I regret not exercising and eating right.
I regret closing roth ira because we needed the money.
I regret buying the starter home as a newlywed. So many issues came up , should've rented for the first couple of years and saved to buy a nicer starter home.
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amother
Indigo
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Wed, Sep 09 2020, 3:36 am
| amother [ Salmon ] wrote: | | I regret.... |
That's a lot of regrets to live with!
Some of the things are your list I could totally relate to.
I know you didn't ask for advice, but can't help give some, are there any of the regrets you could actually work on, so you feel less regret? Example the exercising, or other things that are still possible to change?
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amother
Puce
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Wed, Sep 09 2020, 4:55 am
I used to hit my eldest son, hard enough to leave handprints.
He was barely 3 years old, and I remember fearing to send him to gan one day because he had a clear red mark on his face.
It doesn’t matter if he was being chutzpadik or if he hit me first. or if his reaction to being hit was to snarl at me, rather than be cowed into submission.
I realized that I had been trying to BREAK him.
That’s when I got help for my PPD and started on my journey to be a better parent.
On the “nice parenting, but actually advocating corporal punishment” thread, I completely saw myself in one of the comments “and when the hitting doesn’t work? How do you escalate? Kill them??”
And I was never hit as a child! I was just a terrified perfectionist who felt so out-of-control to have a “bad” child, and couldn’t see that a short-term “solution” like hitting was taking the lazy, cowardly and long-term ineffective way out. I took “misbehavior” personally. My need to correct it with extreme prejudice was “a matter of hashkafa”, rather than as a chance to teach a lagging skill. I was so wrong.
(I’ve also had waaaaaay fewer kids than I had originally wanted to prevent getting overwhelmed again)
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PeanutMama
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Wed, Sep 09 2020, 5:07 am
I regret leaving my then newborn baby in his basinet after getting really aggravated and I had to leave the room into the kitchen where I BH calmed down.
I regret turning around to get the bottle on the dresser not catch my son tumble off in time (when I turned back he was already falling I reached out but he was already on the floor I’ll never forget it I got very hysterical and we went to the doctor and the doctor said babies fall at the time don’t worry)!
I regret not trying harder to breast feed
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amother
Coffee
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Wed, Sep 09 2020, 5:15 am
Until I had a “sensory” son with extreme issues I didn’t realize that every child was a sensory being with their own unique profile.
And that it was ok for my little princess to wear her hair sans pretty bows if that didn’t feel good, for her to choose old fashioned Mary Janes over stylish loafers and wear the simplest softest cottony dresses. And that it was not ok for me to try to get her to look like the image that I wanted when it didn’t feel good to her- even at age two!
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