Kids won’t help themselves

amother

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 7:57 am

My kids are 9,7,6,3. I’m a stay at home mom. We were at a wedding last night. At any given time there was someone needing something. I’m happy to help with trips to the bathroom, cutting food... but all the kvetching that they’re still hungry, didn’t like the food, wanted a toy like The other person... it literally didn’t stop. And my answer to those complaints was the same as usual. I’m sorry but I can’t help you. I just wish they be a bit more self sufficient in managing thier emotions. There were lots of other moms. I didn’t notice them covered in kids all eve. What am I doing wrong

ChanieMommy

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 8:18 am

Maybe your children didn't know other children at the wedding and felt a bit out of place, while other children had friends there and went to play with them, so they didn't need reassuring from mom...

Maybe each of your children did not really pester you that much, but since they are four, it accumulated and became a lot in your subjective perception.

I think it's normal that children come to their mom when they need reassurance. It's a good sign, that you have a relationship of trust, not a bad sign...

Emotional self-sufficience and self-soothing is a long term project, but it develops best when they have a healthy attachment to their parents, and from there they can grow self-sufficience... I don't think it's something you do actively... except perhaps learning to identify and process emotions... To me, what you describe is not out of the norm... I would not count on a 3, 6 or 7 year old tobe very autonomous at a wedding, and for the 9-year old it's hard when he is alone... the whole dynamics will change once your youngest is 9 years old...

dankbar

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 8:46 am

Some people dont take 3 year olds to weddings for that reason. They get overwhelmed. Cling, kvetch, cry & need their bed. They don't know what weddings are. Some people don't even take older than 3. Depends on type of child.

If they are ok to run off with cousins, dance etc are ok to take along.
Next time send them to kids table to eat & not next to you.

groovy1224

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 9:08 am

That seems pretty normal for those ages. I'm sure it was frustrating and annoying, but I wouldn't expect those age kids to know what to do with themselves at a wedding except hang on mommy. It's not anything you're doing wrong, I just think your expectations are kind of high.

pizza4

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 9:13 am

My kids do that all the time. They hang around me even when they have cousins they can play with and sit with. I just say they're attached to me but it does get annoying.
For sure the younger kid doesn't need to be at the Simcha. Even my 5 year I'd leave with someone, it's too overwhelming for them.

amother

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 10:28 am

Tx. Feeling better...
They didn’t have other friends n might’ve been feeling out of place. I didn’t mind the kvetching/ clinging as much as I minded that they can’t help themselves. It was thier cousins wedding they had to be there

amother

Forestgreen

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 10:31 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Just offer empathy. When they feel heard, when your voice is compassionate, things start to feel ok for them. When you let them express what they're feeling by listening, and then you validate them, they learn that having these feelings are ok. And then they realize they can manage their emotions. It helps them become strong and confident and deal with adversity in their life.

"You really wish you could have a toy like Chaim has. It must be so hard for you watching him play with it because you really want to play too."

"You really didn't like the food. It must be so hard to still be hungry. If you see anything you do like, let me know and I'll try to get it for you. I love you sweetie."

amother

Pink

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 10:35 am

Agree with other posters. Totally normal although annoying at times. I also think at a wedding is not the best time to reflect on their lack of independence. Better to reflect on how they cope at home. Ie take a drink themselves instead of coming to complain they are thirsty....unpack school bag a little....take out pyjamas for bed etc.

seeker

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 10:41 am

Feels normal. If this were at home I'd have suggestions, but going to a simcha can throw kids off kilter in many ways. And yes it's also normal for you to feel like it's driving you crazy when you'd prefer to enjoy the simcha. Sounds like you handled it fine.