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Forum
-> Parenting our children
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amother
OP
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 Tue, Sep 08 2020, 5:49 pm
Deleted my post because it was triggering. Instead I am looking for some parenting books and resources to help me learn difference resources and techniques between authoritarian and permissive parenting. I would consider some classes but not if they are in person just over the phone.
I find it hard to find the balance between what I see as parenting without structure which is done by my peer group and our parents who were more into the corporal punishment route which is probably not the most appropriate thing for today even though it seems to have raised better behaved children. Have other people taken that journey and what did you find helped? Also did you get a lot of blacklash from your siblings or were you judged in anyway? I'm not too concerned about that since you need to do what is best for your family and your children.
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hodeez
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 5:53 pm
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I don't think your kids would be animals if you didn't potch them with a belt. There is a way to be strict without such extreme physical consequences. I would understand a potch on the wrist or butt, but when you have to involve equipment theres an issue.
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amother
Cerulean
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 5:55 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | We BH have amazing kids. We don't have issues in school, everyone is BH happy, easy going, well behaved, well liked. Some are more out going, some are more quiet. Some are smarter some are nicer. But I constantlg am complemented on how mature, respectful, kind and calm our children are. A lot of that is nature because DH is the nicest person ever. He loves making people feel good and I have never seen him angry or been mean.
Because of that discipline falls 100% on me and I'm more of an old school follower. DH would never yell at or hit a child but he does support me 100% and we agree to never disagree in front of our children.
I have pretty rigid parenting skills and expectations. I'm warm and loving but a rule is a rule and I don't think it is wrong to say bedtime is 730 and bedtime is bedtime. I'd say I'm just like super nanny but I also use petch because I believe it is right. So yes, I can slap a child with a belt here and there if warranted. I really believe this is correct but on the other hand I'm jealous of my husband who would never think of that but I feel that chinuch approach is wrong.
My parents were very strict and big believers in corporal punishment but not one of my 16 kah siblings all married have any issues with my parents and certainly don't think they were ever unfair. All of my siblings are happy functional people. I see my classmates who seem mostly fine as well; however, my children's classmates are animals in my opinion and I think it's because my peers have no discipline and very little corporal punishment. On the other hand, I want to be a softy since I know DH would like that too but I can't discuss it with him since he is a more closed personality and also because I feel strongly that if I didn't parent like this our kids would behave like 90% of the animals out there.
This may be more relatable to Chassidishe posters so sorry if it goes over your head as culturally weird. Just looking to hear if others have felt the same or how to explore what kind of parents I want to be. We have 6 kids so far KAH in late 20s/early 30s. |
Did you really mean that you use a belt (or other tool) when you apply corporeal punishment?
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amother
Copper
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 5:59 pm
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You titled this "Nice Parenting" and then tell us you hit your children with a belt. Something is wrong with this picture.
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amother
Jetblack
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 5:59 pm
| hodeez wrote: | | I don't think your kids would be animals if you didn't potch them with a belt. There is a way to be strict without such extreme physical consequences. I would understand a potch on the wrist or butt, but when you have to involve equipment theres an issue. |
Agree with this poster.
Op You had my complete & utter respect till I read the patching and strapping with Belt tactic.
There must be another way
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Motherhood
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 6:01 pm
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I am chassidish, and grew up similar to how you described your upbringing. I still don’t potch, especially not with a belt etc. I believe we can parent our children better by using our mouths than by using our hands and that’s also what I teach my children. Communication is the key to ANY relationship.
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amother
Mint
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 6:02 pm
Oy.
That’s a complete sentence.
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SuperWify
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 6:12 pm
As a child, I once saw a relative hit her child with a belt. I think I was more traumatized then the child herself.
You can be strict without using a belt.
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amother
Tan
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 6:13 pm
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If you feel sometimes like you want to be more like your husband, try not potching your children with a belt as discipline. Use your words instead.
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ChanieMommy
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 6:15 pm
A primary school teacher told me this. She taught in a school without corporal punishment, but often had students in her class who came from a cultural background with corporal punishment. She said that the behavior patterns of those student were always the same. They were examplary and well-behaved when they came. But a few weeks in, as soon as they discovered that there was no corporal punishment at school, they became the worst rowdies. She always had disciplinary problems with those children.
So this might be one reason to quit corporal punishment.
Other reason.
My brother got hit a lot, mainly because of schoolwork.
He told me that every time my mother would take out the wooden spoon and hit him, he felt triumphant, he felt he had won, because at least he would not do the schoolwork on this day. Because once she had spanked him, she had no other recourse left... What could she do? kill him? Once the child accepts the pain, spanking completely loses its effect.
(I remember those scenes with horror, by the way, but he says he was laughing on his teeth)
Third reason: I think that in general relationships of love and relationships of fear are not compatible. If you intimidate your children through corporate punishment, I don't think they will easily be able to relax in your presence... and if they think fear and love is compatible, it's even worse, because it predestines them to sado-masochism in their intimate relationships...
So that's my grain of salt: I don't think it is a good idea to slap and hit children.
But I agree that there should be firm boundaries and clear structures. However, theyshould not be enforced through corporal punishment.
Last edited by ChanieMommy on Tue, Sep 08 2020, 6:16 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Stars
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 6:15 pm
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I was nodding along with your post until the belt thing. I’m begging you, do not hit tour children with a belt. Please. Even if it was ok with you growing up (it wasn’t), we live in different times now. Please please do not hit your children with a belt (or otherwise). There are better ways. Especially if your children are as mature as you describe.
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ChanieMommy
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 6:24 pm
Other reason not to do it:
A friend of mine would hit her children (with a plastic dough scraper), and they would run away, and she would follow them around the table.
That's so ridiculous, so damaging for her authority.
I did not know back then she hit her children, I learned it later, when her children were adult and spoke about it.. But I saw that what she said had no effect on the children... she would shout, and the children would just ignore her...
So in this case, corporal punishment was really bad for her authority over her children.
what was also bad for her authority was her rigidity...
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amother
Linen
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 7:12 pm
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Your children are likely “well behaved” and “mature” out of fear or conditioning of what would happen if they do not act that way. The goal in parenting isn’t to have “well behaved” children. It’s to build a real relationship of trust and connection, to see children as their own people with thoughts and feelings and personalities, not a set of behaviors that are deemed good or bad by you. Our goal should be to guide our children not condition their behaviors through threats and hitting. We want our children to feel safe and secure that our love for them is unconditional. Boundaries are absolutely important, but they can be set respectfully. Hitting with a belt is all kinds of damaging. Grown children who say it isn’t aren’t self aware enough to realize the nuanced effects it has on their lives.
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avrahamama
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 7:15 pm
With a belt? 😭
Having rules and sticking to them is fine.
I always thought a potch was just a quick slap.
Not a beating with a belt.
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ra_mom
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 7:15 pm
Firm loving boundaries are needed for parenting. Lack of structure and boundaries can make children feel like their floundering and many will act out.
Using a belt did not make your kids amazing.
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amother
Jetblack
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 7:18 pm
OP can you give an example of what type of behaviour would warrant a patch or Beaten with a belt ?
I was physically abused as a child by my father. He Used to hit me a lot. There was one occasion though that he he beat me with a belt. I had shoplifted. He didn’t say a word to me. He came to my room took off his belt and beat the cr@p out of me. I’m 54 years old & I never forget the way I felt and how terrified I was
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amother
Aqua
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 7:22 pm
Question 1
When do you take out the belt? As soon as they did something wrong, When you are angry? Or do you wait to make sure it’s for chinuch purposes?
The other questions will come later, when I calm down.
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amother
OP
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 7:28 pm
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I do not beat my children. I've never yelled at my children and I don't run after them like a wild woman. This is where cultural may pose a barrier since I imagine the more modern the less likely to have grown up with corporal punishment whereas I'm pretty confident most of my peers have.
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amother
Aubergine
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 7:29 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | I do not beat my children. I've never yelled at my children and I don't run after them like a wild woman. This is where cultural may pose a barrier since I imagine the more modern the less likely to have grown up with corporal punishment whereas I'm pretty confident most of my peers have. |
Not really. This isn't done anymore in the chassidish velt.
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amother
Jetblack
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Tue, Sep 08 2020, 7:30 pm
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OP can you give an example of where hitting/beating with a belt is warranted ?
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