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Nice Parenting Ruining Kids?
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#BestBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 10:24 am
amother [ Smokey ] wrote:
that's the goal of Gentle Parenting


But I have witnessed children raised this way who are out of control and abusive.

Many mothers on this site who use this method have children who are abusive towards
parents and siblings.

If the method is working for your kids, GREAT.

Whatever method you use, you must be AWARE - IS IT WORKING?

Are the children respectful of the rights of others?
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 10:28 am
#BestBubby wrote:
Does YOUR method produce 100% obedience starting from age 2?


Absolutely not.
But if her method and my method both take time to produce obedience why do the harsh way?
My gentle method might take time but I’m not abusing kids on the way.
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#BestBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 10:31 am
amother [ Aqua ] wrote:
Absolutely not.
But if her method and my method both take time to produce obedience why do the harsh way?
My gentle method might take time but I’m not abusing kids on the way.


If your method produces children who are MOSTLY respectful and co-operative - GREAT.

But I and other posters have observed children raised with gentler methods who are
out of control and abusive towards others.
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bigsis144




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 10:35 am
If you’re talking to me, #BestBubby, as I’ve been very open about my parenting challenges —

Hitting didn’t work.
Time outs didn’t work.
Punishments like financial penalties or withholding privileges didn't work.

I would have to lock my kids in a kennel full time or break their limbs before they became “obedient”.

So yeah, it can be h3ll some days, but at least my kids know their mom doesn’t beat them.

Are there functional adults who were difficult kids who think, “wow, I sure would have gotten my life together sooner If my parents hit me!”?

I think they may have wished for parents who weren’t afraid to say “no”, parents who gave them clear expectations and reasonable limits, parents who weren’t “hefker” and absent... but that’s so so different than hitting.
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#BestBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 10:51 am
bigsis144 wrote:
If you’re talking to me, #BestBubby, as I’ve been very open about my parenting challenges —

Hitting didn’t work.
Time outs didn’t work.
Punishments like financial penalties or withholding privileges didn't work.

I would have to lock my kids in a kennel full time or break their limbs before they became “obedient”.

So yeah, it can be h3ll some days, but at least my kids know their mom doesn’t beat them.

Are there functional adults who were difficult kids who think, “wow, I sure would have gotten my life together sooner If my parents hit me!”?

I think they may have wished for parents who weren’t afraid to say “no”, parents who gave them clear expectations and reasonable limits, parents who weren’t “hefker” and absent... but that’s so so different than hitting.


Wow, that sounds very challenging.

I always say that children are INDIVIDUALS and methods that work on some children
don't work for others.

You sound like a very loving mother.

Are you getting any professional guidance?

Hatzlochah. Hug
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 10:56 am
pause wrote:
In today's days, the only way to parent is by having a loving relationship with your children. This does not mean that there are no boundaries or (natural) consequences, but the power you have to raise your children to be mentchen lies in the relationship you have with them.

There's a way to discipline that still respects the child as a person. Corporal punishment does not; it instills fear.

The opposite of authoritian parenting is permissive parenting. Ideal parenting is neither of the two since they're both based on fear. Ideal parenting is authoritative: conscious, effective, and respectful.


I would like this post 1000 times if I could.

I have heard this idea said by R' Mattisyahu Solomon of Lakewood.
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amother
Amethyst


 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 10:57 am
SuperWify wrote:
As a child, I once saw a relative hit her child with a belt. I think I was more traumatized then the child herself.

You can be strict without using a belt.


Yup I had a sleepover by a friend and her brother who definitely has ADHD (it was about 15 years ago so he probably wasnt diagnosed) was climbing on the roof and almost fell off I'll never forget how his mom ran after him with a belt once he was downstairs...
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 11:00 am
bigsis144 wrote:
If you’re talking to me, #BestBubby, as I’ve been very open about my parenting challenges —

Hitting didn’t work.
Time outs didn’t work.
Punishments like financial penalties or withholding privileges didn't work.

I would have to lock my kids in a kennel full time or break their limbs before they became “obedient”.

So yeah, it can be h3ll some days, but at least my kids know their mom doesn’t beat them.

Are there functional adults who were difficult kids who think, “wow, I sure would have gotten my life together sooner If my parents hit me!”?

I think they may have wished for parents who weren’t afraid to say “no”, parents who gave them clear expectations and reasonable limits, parents who weren’t “hefker” and absent... but that’s so so different than hitting.


I am really really trying to do the Gentle Parenting. It's hard when my kids get too tired and act up... I wont say what I do when I get out of control. Yup I probably need more self care...

Every kid is just so different.
Some kids are JUST difficult no matter what kind of parent they have. Kudos to you for every day!!!

With one of my challenging children when she she is getting too worked up about every other thing (ex her socks are not positioned exactly the way she likes it) and I really need to get out to work or move on. I just tell her I am doing it one more time and then I am leaving. She usually has a tantrum and closes the door and I go to her whenever I am finished doing what I need to do and she started coming right to me as long as I pick her up/hold her hand and is usually calm right away.

I feel like that gets her out of her neediness. I know this is really not the right way to deal with it, its just my way of dealing when I am running of out time and patience.
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amother
Beige


 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 11:01 am
amother [ Amethyst ] wrote:
Yup I had a sleepover by a friend and her brother who definitely has ADHD (it was about 15 years ago so he probably wasnt diagnosed) was climbing on the roof and almost fell off I'll never forget how his mom ran after him with a belt once he was downstairs...


My father once slapped up my brother in the presence of a friend (he was disobeying a stupid house rule, not something unsafe.) The friend never came over again.
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 11:02 am
amother [ Smokey ] wrote:
I am really really trying to do the Gentle Parenting. It's hard when my kids get too tired and act up... I wont say what I do when I get out of control.

Every kid is just so different.
Some kids are JUST difficult no matter what kind of parent they have. Kudos to you for every day!!!

With one of my challenging children when she she is getting too worked up about every other thing (ex her socks are not positioned exactly the way she likes it) and I really need to get out to work or move on. I just tell her I am doing it one more time and then I am leaving. She usually has a tantrum and closes the door and I go to her whenever I am finished doing what I need to do and she started coming right to me as long as I pick her up/hold her hand and is usually calm right away.

I feel like that gets her out of her neediness. I know this is really not the right way to deal with it, its just my way of dealing when I am running of out time and patience.


I do the same. I'm the op of the gentle parenting thread. What is the "right" way of dealing with it?
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imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 11:20 am
#BestBubby wrote:
Does YOUR method produce 100% obedience starting from age 2?

Loathe.
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#BestBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 11:26 am
Best Bubby wrote:
Does YOUR method produce 100% obedience starting from age 2?


imasoftov wrote:
Loathe.


To clarify I DID NOT say that corporal punishment will produce 100% obedience starting from age 2.

ANOTHER POSTER asked me that to make the point that corporal punishment "doesn't work".

And I responded that by that standard (100% obedience, age 2) gentle parenting "doesn't work"
either.
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 11:30 am
#BestBubby wrote:
Does YOUR method produce 100% obedience starting from age 2?


No because that’s not my goal.
My goal is for my children and me to have a loving, trusting, respectful, validating, communicative relationship. There’s no room for fear or intimidation.
BH it’s been working wonders.
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 11:37 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
You obviously do not live in the US where this is legal and has been upheld by courts, but that doesn't change the fact that I agree it is not the best parenting method. It's just confusing when you have been raised a certain way and do feel you were raised right but still see that there can be another type of right which may actually be more right when you get down to it because why be mean or scarey when you can be nice and informative.


Op you may suffer with disassociation.
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 11:52 am
amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote:
I do the same. I'm the op of the gentle parenting thread. What is the "right" way of dealing with it?

Setting boundaries and welcoming your children’s emotions not running from them.
You need to be strong enough and calm enough to handle whatever your child is feeling without running away from it/them. It’s called coregulating, and will help them regulate themselves later in life.
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 11:56 am
Zehava wrote:
Setting boundaries and welcoming your children’s emotions not running from them.
You need to be strong enough and calm enough to handle whatever your child is feeling without running away from it/them. It’s called coregulating, and will help them regulate themselves later in life.


We first have to regulate ourselves.
You cannot parent without first being CALM and confident when making boundaries and dealing with emotions.
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amother
Mint


 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 11:57 am
amother [ Papaya ] wrote:
No because that’s not my goal.
My goal is for my children and me to have a loving, trusting, respectful, validating, communicative relationship. There’s no room for fear or intimidation.
BH it’s been working wonders.

❤️
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 11:58 am
amother [ Smokey ] wrote:
We first have to regulate ourselves.
You cannot parent without first being CALM and confident when making boundaries and dealing with emotions.

Yes
Part of breaking the cycle is healing your own triggers so you are not reactive with your kids
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amother
Mint


 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 12:05 pm
Zehava wrote:
Yes
Part of breaking the cycle is healing your own triggers so you are not reactive with your kids

So true
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ExtraCredit




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 12:08 pm
Zehava wrote:
Yes
Part of breaking the cycle is healing your own triggers so you are not reactive with your kids

Yes I’m absolutely not blaming OP for hitting with a belt if she was hit with a belt too. Just begging her to break the cycle.
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