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Please explain gentle parenting.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 6:56 am
Please explain gentle parenting. The following are common scenarios in my home. What would the gentle parenting method be to deal with them?

In the morning: banging doors and walls, running, screaming while baby and downstairs neighbors are still sleeping (between 6 am -7 am) Fighting (physically) with younger siblings. Not sharing toys.

Afternoon: extreme grumpiness. Calling me names if I ask questions/don't give dinner exactly when he demands it/being rude (I always ask them to rephrase it nicely and sometimes I ask them to apologize)/ more fighting and teasing; taking out lots of toys (I've tried the one toy at a time rule but it doesn't seem to work), and not cleaning up without a reward involved and lots of annoying reminders


Bedtime: extreme rowdiness and loudness (while baby is trying to go to sleep); encouraging each other to run away from me and not go to the shower; fighting daily over who gets their teeth brushed; 3 year old constantly breaks in tears in a tantrum over SOMeTHING each day before bed

Please advise!
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the world's best mom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 7:21 am
I have a star chart for my kids. Each time they go half an hour with excellent behavior (and you need to specify what will be considered good behavior) they get a check on the chart. Any time they misbehave, you restart the half hour. At the end they get a prize.

My 4 year old needs 10 checks, and then he will get to choose a treat from the grocery or bakery. My 8 year old is older, so he needs 90 checks but then his prize is bigger- this time he chose a drone.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 7:32 am
That is not considered "gentle parenting." The gentle parenting method supposedly does not include rewards or consequences.
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amother
Orange


 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 7:47 am
I don’t do rewards or punishments. But I’ve been gentle parenting since my kids are born, and they’ve grown to understand that certain behaviors are unacceptable.
When my kids are little, and they are being too loud and wild, I send them to a calm down corner, which is just a soft blanket in the corner of the bedroom with soothing toys like an abacus, a Hoberman ball, a sand timer. One of my kids actually benefitted form a sensory bin. I would explain “I can’t talk to you right now because you are acting too grumpy to talk nicely. I want to talk about what just happened, but only once you are calm.” And then I’ll address whatever went on. Validate their feelings “yes I would also be upset if this happened.” And then work in a solution “maybe, next time we can ___ instead. And I think it would be nice to apologize to XX.”

For the loud mornings, have a special “morning activity box” with books and soft blankets and quiet toys. Make it special and exciting.

I also constantly compliment my kids throughout the day. “I love how calmly you are playing with that toy!” “Wow you are eating that so nicely. Remember to throw out your plate when you’re done, please.”

If they are being chutzpadik, I say very firmly “I will not be talked to like that. I am your parent, and I don’t allow that kind of behavior. I think it would be in your best interest to apologize.”

For bedtime, I give them a heads up “hey in 30 minutes, we are going to take baths/showers and get into pajamas.” And then closer “ok I love how clean all of you are and how quickly you went (even if it wasn’t very quick). We are all getting into pajamas now, and then we’re gonna do story time.” With my little kids, I do a story and Story-Of-The-Day, which is so cute omg! We just go over the entire day, things that made them happy, things that upset them, neutral things. It’s extremely therapeutic and helps them process things that need to be processed. And they love talking about things that they like or exciting things that happened in school. But we do that in bed with the light off.
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amother
Azure


 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 7:58 am
So first of all I'd take each child separately and have a serious talk, explaining the problem. Then ask for ideas from the kid, and offer my own. Let's say the morning gets wild. How would the child be able to be calm? Maybe prepare a certain activity for him to do while you're busy with the others, or write on a paper everything that he needs to do to get ready. I'm not sure what age you're dealing with.
Something like that. Each kid is different, often just getting to their level and hearing them out is so powerful.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 8:21 am
amother [ Azure ] wrote:
So first of all I'd take each child separately and have a serious talk, explaining the problem. Then ask for ideas from the kid, and offer my own. Let's say the morning gets wild. How would the child be able to be calm? Maybe prepare a certain activity for him to do while you're busy with the others, or write on a paper everything that he needs to do to get ready. I'm not sure what age you're dealing with.
Something like that. Each kid is different, often just getting to their level and hearing them out is so powerful.


Ok thanks.
That's a good idea. It's a start . I don't think it will fully work but I'm going to try.
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 8:35 am
Gentle parenting is a mindset shift. It’s not about changing behavior. It’s about changing how you as a parent view your kids and relate to them. As long as your focus and goal will be on changing their behavior you will get nowhere.
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lilies




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 8:40 am
It's about the long-term results more than what's happening now.
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leah233




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 8:43 am
Zehava wrote:
Gentle parenting is a mindset shift. It’s not about changing behavior. It’s about changing how you as a parent view your kids and relate to them. As long as your focus and goal will be on changing their behavior you will get nowhere.


And if you don't focus or have a goal to change their (bad) behavior then you are really going to get nowhere.

You just won't care about how they turn out
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 9:02 am
What if I also care about the short term?
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amother
Blonde


 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 9:09 am
I don't do gentle parenting officially but I also rarely rarely punish.
If you can fill in more details- how many children, their ages, we can try to advise.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 9:11 am
Age 6 boy
Age 3 boy
Age half year baby
The boys are wild and rowdy and complete frenemies (playing nicely one second, fighting the next) but also smart, funny, cute, talented, sweet.
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lilies




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 9:14 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
What if I also care about the short term?


Of course you care, but the result you wish to see may only happen over a longer period of time.
Some of the examples you gave are just par for the course when raising children. Some wake up early and you need to figure out some early-morning entertainment, afternoon grumpiness is normal, so is the crazy bedtime hour.

You need to take one or two things to focus on and be patient with everything else. Not allow it, but be patient. Kids are kids.
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 9:24 am
A great book they may really help you is "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk"
When you read this you may be able to answer your questions. And you will be able to parent with more confidence.
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pause




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 9:26 am
And with gentle parenting you can't expect results immediately. If you've parented a different way until now, it'll take time for your kids to gain back your trust and to feel secure enough to stop pushing the boundaries.

If you're serious about gentle parenting, it will permeate your every thought and interaction about and with your child. You can't just post a scenario and have people tell you magical solutions because it doesn't work that way. It's not if...then... method of parenting; it's a whole mindset change.
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ChanieMommy




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 9:33 am
Here is how I see gentle parenting.

For the parent, it is mostly about developing a calm authority, empathy, learning to see things from the child's perspective and not allowing negative feelings to explode...

1) you are the parent, you set the framework and structures, you need authority. Hitting your child or shouting will not confer you authority. Also: authority does not mean that everything always has to go the way the parents want. If the child has a good argument for their way of doing things, there is not problem in doing what they want. So the idea that the parent has to blindly win every battle in order to "set limits" is wrong. Also, a parent can apologise to a child. This will not threaten their authority, but reenforce trust.

2) A child has rights and duties. This shoulld be made clear in an age-appropriate way all over the years.

A child, has the right to determine what happens with their body. No hitting, no force-feeding, etc. (medical procedures could be an exception if unavoidable).

All family members have the duty to be considerate to other family members, parents to children, children to parents, siblings among themselves. All family members have the duty to contribute to the family (chores). Parents have the last word.

3) Have a few parenting techniques up your sleeve, like empathy, enthusiasm, compliments, hugs, humor, theatrical expression, reverse psychology, stern looks to get around difficult situations...

4) control your own feelings and don't get into a feedback cycle of negative feelings with your children. Whenever you feel you are getting overwhelmed, make sure the child is safe and take a bit of distance, or practice mental strategies to stay with yourself, not to have your buttons pushed. You are the adult in the room.

5) Try to observe what prompts the child's negative behavior. Many turbulent children are misunderstood. They often have sensory issues or other reasons to act out. Once you understand the triggers, it is possible to find a true, durable remedy adapted to the child's needs.

6) In an age-appropriate way, use calm moments to discuss problems, understand what prompts them, try to find a solution together.
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ChanieMommy




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 9:40 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Age 6 boy
Age 3 boy
Age half year baby
The boys are wild and rowdy and complete frenemies (playing nicely one second, fighting the next) but also smart, funny, cute, talented, sweet.


It is very important to proactively set positives tasks and plays.

When children are bored or left to their own devices, the situation can degenerate rapidly.

The solution is: targeted activity....

Claim the children's attention, give them your attention. Give the child a role, a task, for an age-appropriate duration... (shorter for young children, longer for older children). Show them how much you appreciate what they do, how thankful you are for their contribution to your project...

If you turn away from the children, if you refuse them your attention, this will set off a vicious circle: the more you want to get away from them, the more they will pester you or squabble to obtain at least your negative attention, if they can't get positive attention.

In general, children ask for attention gently first, and only when they are ignored, they turn to louder or more brutal methods.

The trick is to hear the child the first time, to give the child attention immediatly, to set the child up in a constructive way, and then you can go back to what you wanted to do first.

Many situations escalate just because you try to ignore your child/children.

Ignoring your child is not an option. You have to give them your attention and your energy. If you won't give it the good way, they will make you give it to them the bad way.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 9:49 am
lilies wrote:
Of course you care, but the result you wish to see may only happen over a longer period of time.
Some of the examples you gave are just par for the course when raising children. Some wake up early and you need to figure out some early-morning entertainment, afternoon grumpiness is normal, so is the crazy bedtime hour.

You need to take one or two things to focus on and be patient with everything else. Not allow it, but be patient. Kids are kids.


What does "not allow it" look like?
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 9:51 am
amother [ Mauve ] wrote:
A great book they may really help you is "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk"
When you read this you may be able to answer your questions. And you will be able to parent with more confidence.


I have it, and so many other books.
It's impossible for me to use these methods all the time. It's exhausting. Part of the problem is that I'm a very straight laced person and creativity is anathema to me. So being funny and creative is super difficult.
I do it when I can, but I can't do it 24/7.
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amother
Blonde


 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2020, 10:19 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I have it, and so many other books.
It's impossible for me to use these methods all the time. It's exhausting. Part of the problem is that I'm a very straight laced person and creativity is anathema to me. So being funny and creative is super difficult.
I do it when I can, but I can't do it 24/7.

The more you do it, the easier it will come to you. I'm also not so creative but some of my kids need me to be humorous to diffuse a situation (one of the methods in the How to Talk book). The good thing is that when they're that little you don't need to be super creative and funny, a silly rhyme of a few words will do the trick.
I worked a lot on validation until it came naturally to me. Then I tried the other methods and they worked well.

When I find myself reacting to a situation that is happening again and again, I quickly change modes to proactive. Proactive parenting is much smoother. Maybe the boys can stay in bed and read special morning books until the clock hits 6:30 (show them on the clock so they know what to look for). Or maybe you do want to do a motivational chart- I would have them earn together to harness the power of teamwork.
6 and 3 year olds are still very young and probably still need an adult present. In general I don't think it's fair to expect more than a child is capable of and certainly not to punish for it.
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