Do you have friends who hit their children? What do you do?

ChanieMommy

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 8:01 am

Do you have friends who hit their children?

I had to discover, after the fact, when the children were grown, that a few of my friends used corporal punishment.

They hid it from me. I had no clue how bad it sometimes was.

After the fact, I can see a few red flags, but I could not identify them at the time. The children did not tell me at that time, some told me when they were around 15-25.

I am very much opposed to corporal punishment, and I was very disappointed to learn this about my friends... also disappointed in the hypocrisy and the fact that they so expertly hid it from me...

What could I have done if I had learned about it in time?
End the friendship?
But then the children would lose one adult they had a positive relationship with. So they would be abandonned and punished doubly...

Tell her to stop?
Threaten to call CPS?

nchr

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 8:04 am

I don't discuss these issues with people in real life so can only go off of a few experiences. I also don't know what you mean by hit their children? Most people I know would give a child a patch here or there. Probably most of my friends were properly spanked as children and most probably feel that's fine but have chosen other methods for their kids. Spanking is an acceptable parenting choice and has a place in discipline for parents who choose to use it. Unless you're talking about wild, abusive behavior mind your own business, just as you would if you had a friend who was overly permissive which is probably worse IMO than appropriate, controlled spanking.

amother

Royalblue

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 9:24 am

amother [ Ginger ] wrote:

As one friend put it.

"No, I don't hit my kids . I use potch therapy in severe situations"

I love this line. I potch my children to stop them from doing dangerous things- going near fire, running in the street. Because its so infrequent it really works and accomplishes the goal quickly.

pizza4

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 9:26 am

Yes my friends hit their kids. They use time outs, potching, punishments and threats.
They aren't asking me for advice. I'm not a perfect parent that I'd even be comfortable giving advice. I believe in gentle parenting and try to keep to that but I'm not always so good about it.
So I don't do punishment or reward, but I yell when frustrated. I'm trying to work on that.
I once had a discussion with a few friends, about parenting. They had their methods and think that is the only way. I said you know, I tried that and it didn't work for me. So they said well, you must've not been doing it right. Lol.

pizza4

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 9:28 am

amother [ Royalblue ] wrote:

I love this line. I potch my children to stop them from doing dangerous things- going near fire, running in the street. Because its so infrequent it really works and accomplishes the goal quickly.

I'd like to use screaming that way. Use sparingly so its obvious there's a danger.

Stars

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 9:34 am

What does “it works” mean?
That you got the child scared of you? Long term it doesn’t “work”.

I recommend reading this whole thing https://www.instagram.com/s/aG.....32180

amother

Purple

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 9:35 am

Other people's parenting is none of my business unless it affects me and mine. Shlomo Hamelech himself said "chosech shivto sonei bno." While the sefer is poetic and one doubts that the wise king is advising people to literally beat their children with sticks, the occasional smack on the heinie for egregious behavior is not necessarily a bad thing.

If I suspected that a child was actually being beaten with a belt or used as a punching bag...well, tbh I've never even heard rumors much less seen any evidence. Calling CPS on a family is no small thing and can ruin innocent people's lives, so I'd have to be pretty darn sure about what was going on before I would do it.

amother

Royalblue

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 9:38 am

Stars wrote:

What does “it works” mean?
That you got the child scared of you? Long term it doesn’t “work”.

I recommend reading this whole thing https://www.instagram.com/s/aG.....32180

It works means that in the 2 years since this happened my child hasn't tried running in the street again whether I am there or not. I dont think these kind of dangerous things can be worked on slowly, they need a quick fix or cv something really bad can happen if you turn your head for one second.

What do you suggest for a 2 year old that loves to run into the street?

zaq

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 9:39 am

Define "using corporal punishment". A smack on the bottom now and then for severe chutzpah or doing something dangerous, or daily encounters with the business end of a stout leather belt with brass buckles?

amother

Olive

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 9:43 am

MYOB unless mamash abuse

calling CPS?! Stress of that makes everything worse and having them placed with another family chas v shalom would be far worse in the vast majority of cases

at most without judgement you can share parenting mentors you yourself found helpful

ChanieMommy

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 9:48 am

zaq wrote:

I mean: occasionally hitting with objects...

The truth is: I don't know.

One friend's child reported to me at age 15 or so that her mother had been massively abusive towards her, and there was once situation where the father intervened and threatened to call the police. I cannot really determine whether this story is true or exagerated...

However, this friend told me once that she had caught this daughter (at age 7 or so) doing something wrong. Before she punished the child, the child had to go to a lesson, and the child told the teacher of the lesson that she was not able to concentrated because she was so afraid of her punishment that would follow after the lesson... this would jive with severe corporal punishment...

amother

Coral

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 10:35 am

Expertly hid it from you?
It’s not your business. They don’t need to tell you everything that goes on in their home. You cannot control what people do behind closed doors nor should you try to.

amother

Olive

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 10:38 am

Your friends do not really owe you or anyone an explanation. Hypocrisy? They hid it from you?

They also probably realized what your take on it would be so wouldn't discuss it with you.

If there was no outright abuse thats another story.

B"H sounds like their children turned out fine.

Chayalle

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 10:51 am

My best friend asked me if I would be interested in joining her for a parenting course (as something we could enjoy and benefit from, and also spend time together). We did it together, and that's where I learned better skills in parenting, than hitting (and so much more....)

I don't have any friends who hit their kids in front of me, and when I gave that occasional potch, before I learned other ways, I didn't do it in front of my friends.

But I am grateful to my friend for interesting me in something that I consider one of the greatest blessings in my parenting life.

Hey, what are friends for, if not this?

amother

Linen

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 11:07 am

Chayalle wrote:

Which parenting course (if you don't mind saying)? I was thinking of taking one and looking for recommendations.

Thanks.

Ruchel

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 12:33 pm

HAHAHA I am imagining trying to call social service in any person I see hitting.... I called the cops on a [word not allowed) mother who was deeply abusing her child and the cop said "ok... well see... [word not allowed]"