I do not forgive you

amother

Sun, Sep 13 2020, 8:22 pm

I want to say that I do not forgive the people who have hurt me. I have lost my job and my income and life has been difficult. You could have done the right thing but chose not to so I do not forgive you. It is right before Rosh Hashana and Yom Kipper so you dont have to daven or fast or even pretend that you are religious because religious people wouldnt act the way you did. I did nothing wrong and did not deserve to be treated this way. I am hurt and will not forgive you. Just wanted to get this off my chest.

103

amother

Maroon

Sun, Sep 13 2020, 8:29 pm

OP, first: hugs!

I have some experience with being hurt so badly that I know forgiveness may not ever be possible. Not your same situation at all, but felt absolutely gutted by someone who hurt me to the core in the worst way. And so I would never tell you that you must forgive, or even that you should forgive. It's almost 3 years and I'm not there yet. (Not that this person even tried to apologize to me anyhow, so...)

But I will tell you, though I still hold a grudge, I have come to recognize that everything terrible I went through was from Hashem - for whatever reasons that I still have yet to fully understand - and I trust is in some crazy way for my ultimate good, to help me grow, or pass some necessary test. Accepting this reality doesn't let anyone off the hook, but it does take the edge off my bitterness... which is at least something.

May the new year bring you much better mazel and only good news!

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Sep 13 2020, 8:33 pm

My mantra is “they are only the post man. Don’t get mad at the post man.”

When someone hurts my feelings it’s harder, but even then, I try to tell myself that the pain was bashert.

Cheiny

Sun, Sep 13 2020, 8:34 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I understand your hurt but please realize Hashem deals with us midda k’neged midda and if you want Him to forgive you for your sins you should try to forgive too. Hashem saw what they did to you and He is fully capable of taking care of them. Your lack of forgiveness will only hurt you and make you hold onto the bitterness. Maybe try to talk this out with someone so you can learn to let go for your own good.

amother

Wine

Sun, Sep 13 2020, 9:00 pm

I can relate OP. And I’m not sure that everything was “ Bashert.” If you study the topic of bechira a bit, you’ll see that it’s a complicated topic.
Further, I don’t know if we are obligated to forgive someone who never acknowledged the hurt or asked for forgiveness.
But one thing I do know.
YOU can choose to either feel sorry for yourself or else use your challenge as a stepping stone.

PinkFridge

Sun, Sep 13 2020, 9:07 pm

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

Maybe the avodah first is to come to terms.

keym

Sun, Sep 13 2020, 9:07 pm

silverlining3 wrote:

I know it's hard, really hard! Hugs!

Try to keep this in mind
'Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace'

I love this.

amother

Maroon

Sun, Sep 13 2020, 9:12 pm

amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:

Would you want Hashem to say “I do not forgive you” Chas veshalom??

This is so condescending to someone who is in so much pain.

amother

Scarlet

Sun, Sep 13 2020, 9:15 pm

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

This is so condescending to someone who is in so much pain.

And to add to this true statement, something as painful as what op describes takes time to get past. On her own time table. We are only human, with human emotions and frailty, and Hashem understands that.

#BestBubby

Sun, Sep 13 2020, 9:15 pm

amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:

Would you want Hashem to say “I do not forgive you” Chas veshalom??

The Torah says we are not obligated to forgive anyone who does not ask for forgiveness.

ChanieMommy

Sun, Sep 13 2020, 9:18 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

The Torah says we are not obligated to forgive anyone who does not ask for forgiveness.

What about someone who asks, but not sincerely?
But who asks for forgiveness in a blanket statement, but is not ready to deal with what he really did?

amother

Oak

Sun, Sep 13 2020, 9:32 pm

This thread is making me think. There were people over the years who caused me pain. I remember one person in particular, I stopped saying the first part of krias shma al hamita because I couldn't bring myself to say I forgive everyone. Every night when I skipped saying that, I reminded myself of my pain and anger over how she hurt me, which certainly didn't bring me any closer to forgiving her.

Somehow, life moved on and I realize now that I haven't thought about those people in years. I don't know when I stopped thinking about them. But you know what, I realize also I'm not angry anymore. I never worked on not being angry. But they became irrelevant. Other things happened, to me and to them, and they don't have power or influence over me now. I wish them well, what they did was still wrong but I see that it no longer affects me. So I forgive them.

My rambling point OP is, I'm sorry that you're suffering. With Hashem's help, over time your feelings will probably change but for now, it's ok. Wishing you peace.

amother

Scarlet

Sun, Sep 13 2020, 9:40 pm

amother [ Oak ] wrote:

Yes, this exactly.

#BestBubby

Sun, Sep 13 2020, 9:44 pm

ChanieMommy wrote:

What about someone who asks, but not sincerely?
But who asks for forgiveness in a blanket statement, but is not ready to deal with what he really did?

I heard you are not obligated to forgive someone if they are not sincerely sorry.

amother

Brunette

Sun, Sep 13 2020, 9:47 pm

ChanieMommy wrote:

What about someone who asks, but not sincerely?
But who asks for forgiveness in a blanket statement, but is not ready to deal with what he really did?

Well, in my opinion, this is equivalent to not asking because part of teshuva is admitting what u did wrong And regretting what you did...but asking with insincerity means that person doesn't regret it...like my mil who laughs when I ask her what she's asking forgiveness for...and she says she doesn't think she did anything wrong to me(which is a lie..I told her how mean she was) but shes asking bec "you are supposed to ask"...

OP, I can understand how you feel....and I'm sorry you are in this stressful situation.

#BestBubby

Sun, Sep 13 2020, 10:42 pm

amother [ Periwinkle ] wrote:

Sometimes, by not allowing yourself to get over something that happened, the only one you're hurting is yourself.

You can "get over" without forgiving. Just acknowledge that all pain is from Hashem and
move on - don't dwell on it.