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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Sep 14 2020, 9:57 am
Friend's inlaw died. Husband's sitting shiva.
Meal train went out and I am making a RH dinner.
What is the expectation -obviously actually food.
Am I supposed to send kiddush and challah?
Simanim?
Do they have their own apple?
Carrots?
Sheep head?

Don't mean to be insensitive but it is a lot of work and expensive. If it is needed, B"H I can do it, but I really don't want to and if they have then it is a waste. Do I offer and hope they decline but then have to if she says oh great, thank you (that's the problem with offering)
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essie14




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Sep 14 2020, 10:01 am
If you dont want to, then make sure she knows what you are sending. In my neighborhood we split up shabbat and yom.tov meals. It's too much to expect one person to do all of that.
1. Can you incorporate some of the simanim into side dishes? Roasted carrots, etc.
2. Can you ask another friend to take care of challah plus simanim? Then tell the recipient that everything is taken care of.
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Elfrida




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Sep 14 2020, 10:03 am
Expectations are going to vary by community. Not everyone here does a lambs head, for instance.

There is no arguing that you have a complex and potentially expensive meal. I would suggest planning a menu and then reaching out to other people who were not included in the meal train and asking them to help by preparing one dish each. You would still do some, but would not have to deal with the full expense.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Sep 14 2020, 10:26 am
Elfrida wrote:
Expectations are going to vary by community. Not everyone here does a lambs head, for instance.

There is no arguing that you have a complex and potentially expensive meal. I would suggest planning a menu and then reaching out to other people who were not included in the meal train and asking them to help by preparing one dish each. You would still do some, but would not have to deal with the full expense.

Great idea but unfortunately reaching out to others is not an option.
If someone really out to me great, but I don't have who to reach out to and it would be an embarrassing sign of weakness. (Yes, I know that is idiotic)
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singleagain




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Sep 14 2020, 10:27 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Great idea but unfortunately reaching out to others is not an option.


What about the person who set up the meal train
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Sep 14 2020, 10:28 am
singleagain wrote:
What about the person who set up the meal train

Not if I want a shidduch for my DD.
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singleagain




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Sep 14 2020, 10:30 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Not if I want a shidduch for my DD.


I'm confused.... How does clarifying what to send turn into no shiddich?
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SixOfWands




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Sep 14 2020, 10:48 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Friend's inlaw died. Husband's sitting shiva.
Meal train went out and I am making a RH dinner.
What is the expectation -obviously actually food.
Am I supposed to send kiddush and challah?
Simanim?
Do they have their own apple?
Carrots?
Sheep head?

Don't mean to be insensitive but it is a lot of work and expensive. If it is needed, B"H I can do it, but I really don't want to and if they have then it is a waste. Do I offer and hope they decline but then have to if she says oh great, thank you (that's the problem with offering)


Yes to a meal. Yes to challah. No to kiddush. (People did send us grape juice, and it was appreciated, but we always have something in the house, as do most people, so probably not necessary.)

Simanim are nice, but not strictly necessary. Maybe use them in a dish -- potato leek soup, which has leeks and carrots. No sheep's head, even if its your tradition.
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SixOfWands




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Sep 14 2020, 10:52 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Great idea but unfortunately reaching out to others is not an option.
If someone really out to me great, but I don't have who to reach out to and it would be an embarrassing sign of weakness. (Yes, I know that is idiotic)


Do it this way.

Hi, Yentl. I'm doing Rosh Hashana dinner for Moti and Ruti. I know that you said 8 people for shiva, but since the chag ends shiva, I wanted to confirm that it wasn't fewer (or more) people. I also want to confirm that there are no allergies. By the way, did you get someone to take care of the simanim, or should I do that with my meal?
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imasoftov




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Sep 14 2020, 10:57 am
We've never had a shivah that ran into Yom Tov (a shloshim once did) but would prefer no animal heads under any circumstances so I recommend asking before including one.
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watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Sep 14 2020, 11:07 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Friend's inlaw died. Husband's sitting shiva.
Meal train went out and I am making a RH dinner.
What is the expectation -obviously actually food.
Am I supposed to send kiddush and challah?
Simanim?
Do they have their own apple?
Carrots?
Sheep head?

Don't mean to be insensitive but it is a lot of work and expensive. If it is needed, B"H I can do it, but I really don't want to and if they have then it is a waste. Do I offer and hope they decline but then have to if she says oh great, thank you (that's the problem with offering)


Re: the bold - why did you sign up for this mean if the bold is the case? You signed up, now its yours.

Yes to challah. Yes to simanim (sorry). It is part of the meal. Apple - please be kavodig and send a few apples and a honey bear or honey sticks. This is not the time to be skimpy. Sheep head - that is a minhag thing so you will need to ask the family. Why not call them and ask what their minhagim are for simanim? Or call the person who set up the mealtrain and ask her what the family does for simanim?

Also FYI, mealmart sells the sheep head. We buy it every year and yes its gross. It's ok.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Sep 14 2020, 11:42 am
watergirl wrote:
Re: the bold - why did you sign up for this mean if the bold is the case? You signed up, now its yours.

Yes to challah. Yes to simanim (sorry). It is part of the meal. Apple - please be kavodig and send a few apples and a honey bear or honey sticks. This is not the time to be skimpy. Sheep head - that is a minhag thing so you will need to ask the family. Why not call them and ask what their minhagim are for simanim? Or call the person who set up the mealtrain and ask her what the family does for simanim?

Also FYI, mealmart sells the sheep head. We buy it every year and yes its gross. It's ok.

Do you never get strong-armed into something?
Teach me your ways.

Regarding Single Again and her question about how this impacts shidduchim-it's all about reputation and image.
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amother




cornflower
 

Post  Mon, Sep 14 2020, 12:00 pm
I got a basket of bakery goods it was very nice
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watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Sep 14 2020, 12:02 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Do you never get strong-armed into something?
Teach me your ways.

Regarding Single Again and her question about how this impacts shidduchim-it's all about reputation and image.

No I do not. Not anymore. I learned many years ago to say no when I can not do something. And no, I do not sign up for mealtrains when I can not afford it. I have had a lot of pressure and still say no when I need to say no. I do not play this shidduchim game either.
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amother




Maroon
 

Post  Mon, Sep 14 2020, 12:18 pm
You absolutely do not need to send apples and honey!!! They should buy that as part of their regular shopping trip!
It's not part of the meal and does not require any preparation!
Other cooked simanim, that I could hear but like s.o mentioned minhagim vary greatly!
I would make whatever I'm making for my family! Definitely let them know what you will be sending so they don't expect something that won't arrive!
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Elfrida




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Sep 14 2020, 12:26 pm
If they're sitting Shiva there won't be a 'regular shopping trip'.
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watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Sep 14 2020, 12:34 pm
Elfrida wrote:
If they're sitting Shiva there won't be a 'regular shopping trip'.

Off topic but why not?

I sat shiva for a parent. My husband was not sitting shiva. He went to the store, took the kids to school, etc. I think making shiva meals is something that is done as a gesture of community and kindness; it is saying we are mourning with you and are helping you through this. The other spouse, if there is one, can shop, cook, etc. This is something meant to ease the pressure and take a load off so that spouse can focus solely on supporting their spouse. Shopping 100% can and should be done as needed.

In the case of OP's friend, it is her husband who lost a parent (I assume it was a parent). The friend (the wife) can shop, cook, etc. as needed.
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Elfrida




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Sep 14 2020, 12:44 pm
When we sat shiva (for my mother) my brother in law took on the role of 'shiva manager'. He barely left the house for the week. His function was to keep us company and see that everything ran smoothly, and be there to help and provide whatever was necessary.

If there was anything we needed that we didn't have, he would ask one of the regular visitors to buy it. We didn't have enough toilet paper in the house to accommodate all the visitors, so he asked someone to buy another package. And extra containers to freeze the leftover food. Diapers for my five month old niece. He spread it out, and never asked the same person twice, but his role was to be there and ensure our comfort rather than to run a regular life around us.
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watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Sep 14 2020, 12:48 pm
Elfrida wrote:
When we sat shiva (for my mother) my brother in law took on the role of 'shiva manager'. He barely left the house for the week. His function was to keep us company and see that everything ran smoothly, and be there to help and provide whatever was necessary.

If there was anything we needed that we didn't have, he would ask one of the regular visitors to buy it. We didn't have enough toilet paper in the house to accommodate all the visitors, so he asked someone to buy another package. And extra containers to freeze the leftover food. Diapers for my five month old niece. He spread it out, and never asked the same person twice, but his role was to be there and ensure our comfort rather than to run a regular life around us.

That's very nice of him. But I do not think it is typical. It also puts the person who came to visit on the spot. He also could have gone and done the shopping himself.
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Elfrida




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Sep 14 2020, 12:51 pm
He asked the close friends who were coming every day. They were asking what they could do to help us, and were glad when he could give them a specific job.
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