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How in the world do divorced women survive financially?
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amother




Slategray
 

Post  Tue, Sep 15 2020, 5:02 pm
It is hard. Its is scary. And I have a degree and a supportive family. You definitely will need a job. It was 100 percent worth it for me. Everyone is different. BH remarried now but even in the hardest moments it was worth it for me. My ex doesnt pay cs tho and left me with debt so that definitely made it harder. Got clothing from gemachs etc. And help from family for lawyer bills. Got tuition discount as well.
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amother




Beige
 

Post  Tue, Sep 15 2020, 5:13 pm
Some of these responses are so harsh. You are talking to woman who is clearly desperate to get out of a bad situation and is scared that she won't be able to support her children! Have some compassion! She doesn't need to be lectured that she NEEDS to get a job and that divorce is hard. Did you read her question? She understands that she needs a job, but without a specialized skill set her salary will likely be very low even full time. Then she will have to pay for child care. This cuts the salary in half. She is asking for suggestions about how to make such a situation work. I personally don't have an answer to this question, but I hear the problem. I don't think the answer is to yell at her that she's in for a hard life and she better work hard and just say no to her kids if they want to feel normal. Also, do we need stories from 2nd wives about how much they resent that their husband takes care of his kids from a previous marriage? Does a woman who is scared of poverty when getting divorced need to hear that some ex-husbands lavish their ex-wives with extras? I didn't get the feel from the OP's post that she can rely on money from husband or family. Please be compassionate people. I read this thread and I felt so bad for the predicament of this woman. Then I read many of the replies and they were so harsh! It really turned my stomach. Anyway, OP, I don't have an answer for you, but I hope you can find a solution that allows you to support yourself and your children with dignity.
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naturalmom5




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Sep 15 2020, 5:35 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Please any and all feedback appreciated.
If you don't have much training or cannot work in your field of training or in general cannot keep up with the demands of raising a bunch of kids and working, how do you manage?
Any ideas for fields that are worth training in? That are more adaptable to work from home?
If you had a good job and feel able to work then probably not in same category as me.
Interested to know if there are differences women felt in US vs. Israel in terms of how they were able to navigate/find employment and in general stay afloat?
Think in terms of mainstream yeshivash circles and all the expectations that comes with . And the suggestion of needing to say NO more to children isn't so helpful when certain things have become the overwheliming norm in our communities.
Please help!!


Im confused
If she is divorced how is she having more children
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amother




Pearl
 

Post  Tue, Sep 15 2020, 5:39 pm
naturalmom5 wrote:
Im confused
If she is divorced how is she having more children


She explained that she meant that it would be hard to say no to her children when they ask for things...
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amother




Lavender
 

Post  Tue, Sep 15 2020, 5:49 pm
OP, it really depends on your circumstances. Are you just breaking even now or is your husband pulling in 500K a year? How long have you been married for? Different states calculate things differently.A lawyer can give you a ballpark figure of what you might get for alimony in a first session. Good lawyers can cost in the $400-$500 hour range, but a 1 hour session can give you a succinct understanding of what you may be in for. (Go into that session knowing as much information as you can regarding your husband's salary, amount of your mortgage, amount of investments, amount in any retirement funds). This I think is only true when the husband is making loads and the wife nothing or not much. Not worth it if your husband is making $50 or $70K a year.


.
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amother




Cyan
 

Post  Tue, Sep 15 2020, 6:30 pm
I am divorced and work full-time. I do not receive any child support since my ex is unemployed and it was impossible to pursue. I do not receive government assistance.

I was not trained in a specific skill but luckily my boss trained me and I moved up in the business/office setting.

Obviously, I am always, always exhausted. But I am not depressed. I am happy and I love my life.

My marriage was hell, my ex was abusive. There was no other choice.

My kids have a stable home. They may not have everything they want and we definitely can't afford a lifestyle that others have but they have a normal home with no yelling or fighting.
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amother




Scarlet
 

Post  Tue, Sep 15 2020, 6:35 pm
some women's parents are helping them as well as some child support from the ex

if someone is getting divorced or thinking its a possibility best to live near your family if at all possible if you can and have healthy family who can help emotionally etc. very important in addition to financial angle

As Cyan and others wrote if your marriage is abusive it is so worth it and the advantages outweigh the challenges; otherwise, yes it is very challenging on many levels.

hugs and hatzlocha to you Op
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amother




Magenta
 

Post  Tue, Sep 15 2020, 6:58 pm
I am now BH very happily married (after a LOT of toil and tears) but divorce was a serious consideration at one point.
At that time , I thought as follows: We all believe that parnassa comes from Hashem. If I believe that I am doing Hashem’s will by getting divorced, I need to trust that He will provide for me. Obviously, there needs to be a practical plan in place, but the question became- do I believe that Hashem wants me to divorced or not?
It’s a terribly confusing place to be, OP, and I wish you the blessing of clarity as to which way to go.
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amother




Khaki
 

Post  Tue, Sep 15 2020, 7:28 pm
When you plan for divorce you need to
Plan for the financial aspect as well. Make your own bank account, get a job, (or education) Start putting away money, All this before you Actually get a divorce!
Surround yourself with your circle of support, be it family and/or friends. Have people who can host you for shabbos and Yom Tov.
Have a good therapist, coach or mentor to help you throughout
How you plan and set yourself up before will make all the difference.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Sep 15 2020, 8:07 pm
Thanks this is all helpful.
Still can’t understand how people work full time and take care of their kids and all their school needs.
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imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Sep 15 2020, 8:22 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanks this is all helpful.
Still can’t understand how people work full time and take care of their kids and all their school needs.


It's not easy! You have to think outside the box.

When I was divorced, I looked around for a single girl who was interested in living rent free in exchange for doing some child care while I worked. We worked out a system by both ends being flexible.

I also found other child care help for when she wasn't available.

Of course, kids spent some time with ex, too.

The lifestyle after divorce is different. But it's doable. And many kids will tell you that even though it's not easy, they'd rather deal with not having the popular clothes or briefcases than deal with parents screaming at each other, or other hurtful household behavior.
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amother




Taupe
 

Post  Tue, Sep 15 2020, 9:18 pm
thunderstorm wrote:
My mother was a SAHM until she divorced . She went out to work when she divorced, and also went to school on nights and weekends to get a degree.

My sister was also a SAHM and when she decided she was going to divorce she first found herself an entry level position. She built her way up and became head manager of a large company. She now earns more than both my DH and I combined. She works really hard and is often stressed out from her job. But she had no choice and I’m so proud of her when I see how much she accomplished and how much she was able to grow in such a short time.

My SIL is divorced . She receives a decent amount of child support and alimony but was also a SAHM her entire marriage. Post divorce she got herself two jobs. One during the day and one at night some days a week and on weekends. When you have no choice you just got to work really hard.


Wow that is inspiring but it sounds really tough.
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amother




Apricot
 

Post  Tue, Sep 15 2020, 9:43 pm
DO you have strong community support? My relative is very proud, but she took/takes all help she is offered to make things work.
Think tomchei Shabbos, gov. programs, community, discounts, etc.
And she works. Hard.
I wonder if her ex family ever drops in $$. (Some of them are supportive of her position in theory.)
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amother




Vermilion
 

Post  Tue, Sep 15 2020, 9:58 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanks this is all helpful.
Still can’t understand how people work full time and take care of their kids and all their school needs.


is your q about money and living on one salary versus 2?
or is it about how divorced women manage to take care of kids and also work full time? Many married women also take care of their kids and work full time. it doesnt matter where you are in life you do what you gotta do to survive and somehow you will make it
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amother




Cyan
 

Post  Tue, Sep 15 2020, 10:04 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanks this is all helpful.
Still can’t understand how people work full time and take care of their kids and all their school needs.


I'm going to be honest. I don't have a second. I come home from work, deal with homework bath dinner etc. It is non stop. It's the same with anyone who's husband works late. If your ex is involved, he will have the kids some of the time which gives you a break. But it's hard to keep track of laundry and homework and cleaning. You're doing it all alone. You learn to cut corners and take shortcuts. But again divorce wasn't an option for me. It was an absolute must. You do what you have to
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tante_feige




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Sep 16 2020, 1:17 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanks this is all helpful.
Still can’t understand how people work full time and take care of their kids and all their school needs.


Some things will not be the same as they were before. That's life.
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amother




Seafoam
 

Post  Wed, Sep 16 2020, 5:01 am
I grew up as a child of divorced parents. My mother worked full time and got no child support. I couldn't always have the latest and greatest stuff. But I vastly preferred our life to a life of parents screaming and telling at each other. We didn't live near family but we had friends who were like family. The teenage girls on our block got chesed hours for babysitting.
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amother




Black
 

Post  Wed, Sep 16 2020, 5:23 am
I am married.

However, I work full time and do homework and housekeeping too. When I couldn't afford extra babysitting after school, I worked 6am-3pm so I could be with my kids. I also went to graduate school (full time) one afternoon a week, and did my work on the evenings. A teenager watched my kids while I was in school.

Once I graduated and earned better, a mom from my son's class watched my kids 2x a week after school. I also was able to afford 3 hours a week of housekeeping help.

I did it because my husband couldn't. Because I had no support and needed to create my own. Because I wanted financial stability, and didn't want to suffer every time I needed to scrape together money for shoes. I didn't feel there was an option.

It was hard, it's true. But I bh have great relationships with my kids and a solid career. They understand the sacrifices. They enjoy the money too, after all.
I'm now the sole breadwinner, and I still do a lot of everything else. Bh I have my livelihood. But I didn't, and my marriage was hard, so I made it happen (with a lot of siyata dishmaya). I knew that if I ever would divorce, I would be so happy to not need to stay for his money. Which of course wasn't stable anyway.

It can be done. If you want to leave your marriage, you must support yourself.
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amother




Aubergine
 

Post  Wed, Sep 16 2020, 6:08 am
my close friend is divorced, 6 kids ka``H

she works two jobs. after her divorce, everyone tried to help her with finding a job/career.
it is VERY VERY hard, her ex hardly pays anything, no relatives in town neither.

she is on all sorts of rogramms, I know our kehilla supports her. she gets dicount on tuition ect. BUT she is VERY MUCH part of the community. she will always lend a helping hand, participate on activities, take my kids to the playgoud when im sick...she returns to the kehilla as much as she can. all kids play a musical instrument and attend school, go to therapy if needed. she is financially poor, but in her heart very rich.

but its no secret that it is VERY VERY HARD.
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amother




Scarlet
 

Post  Wed, Sep 16 2020, 6:21 am
Yes and the difference with divorce and someone whose husband works long hours and the like is that there are different challenges including trauma for you and the children and nobody around ever not just only a little; or worse someone who continues to be at odds with you. Not a contest, just different picture all around for many reasons including social, emotional, financial...we do know people whose communities, friends, and family pitch in in different ways though we also know women who are truly making it all on their own.
Again when it is necessary it is necessary.

Very challenging also to balance logistics of working with childcare. All the more so in these Covid times.

Hashem Yishmor.
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