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Forum
-> Working Women
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amother
Dodgerblue
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 Wed, Sep 16 2020, 9:28 am
| amother [ Beige ] wrote: | | Some of these responses are so harsh. You are talking to woman who is clearly desperate to get out of a bad situation and is scared that she won't be able to support her children! Have some compassion! She doesn't need to be lectured that she NEEDS to get a job and that divorce is hard. Did you read her question? She understands that she needs a job, but without a specialized skill set her salary will likely be very low even full time. Then she will have to pay for child care. This cuts the salary in half. She is asking for suggestions about how to make such a situation work. I personally don't have an answer to this question, but I hear the problem. I don't think the answer is to yell at her that she's in for a hard life and she better work hard and just say no to her kids if they want to feel normal. Also, do we need stories from 2nd wives about how much they resent that their husband takes care of his kids from a previous marriage? Does a woman who is scared of poverty when getting divorced need to hear that some ex-husbands lavish their ex-wives with extras? I didn't get the feel from the OP's post that she can rely on money from husband or family. Please be compassionate people. I read this thread and I felt so bad for the predicament of this woman. Then I read many of the replies and they were so harsh! It really turned my stomach. Anyway, OP, I don't have an answer for you, but I hope you can find a solution that allows you to support yourself and your children with dignity. |
Well said. Exactly what I thought when reading this thread. Especially if a woman is divorcing an abusive husband who will make her life and her kids lives even more of a hell during the divorce process and later when dealing with kids visitation.
OP, like this poster, I don't have a solution either and I'm facing your problem now when I'm divorced already.
It is for that reason I have a burning desire to iyH one day start a chesed organization for such women in the process of getting a Get or after the Get. Mainly I want it because if mom is helped then life is waaay easier for the kids and that's what matters most.
I wish it would offer:
1) money. I would try getting help from well to do adults who themselves are children of divorce.
2) childcare from time to time so mom can do some self care can be arranged with high school girls.
3) offer to do errands especially if the woman is being stalked.
4) offer to make phone calls (to lawyers rabbis and anyone involved or who can help her) in case the woman is being stalked and her devices are not private. Or offer her a safe office with a phone where she can be free to talk without worrying of her stbx hearing every word.
Or moshiach should come now and all this bitter suffering should end.
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amother
OP
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Wed, Sep 16 2020, 3:41 pm
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Thank you for those who really feel for me and that people shouldn't be too harsh on me. So kind. Yeah I have a very unusual situation so can't disclose details. But basically I wish someone would have prepared me before I got married about having a parnassa that I could actually do and about protecting my money and finances throughout marriage. Not simple at all. So overwhelming to deal with this all. Unless you marry someone you are truly compatible with and that you like, marriage overall is so so tough. And tougher to feel like one has to stay once you have a family together because the other way seems worse or unknown or you just don't have the strength or resources to go through a divorce. Also really hate the idea of a judge/dayan making decisions and rules regards to the children. It feels so intrustive. Which makes me feel better to wait until the children are 18 or until their married (if I can possibly wait it out that long). Didn't realize I would become so stuck and have been lost in figuring out what I could do/train for that could work out for me. Not what I envisioned at my age to be working to support my children. So many challenges in raising children as is. Don't know how to reframe.
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amother
Magenta
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Wed, Sep 16 2020, 5:37 pm
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OP- you say it’s a unique situation. Is there any way to make your marriage more pleasant?
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amother
Purple
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Wed, Sep 16 2020, 6:08 pm
| amother [ Beige ] wrote: | | Some of these responses are so harsh. You are talking to woman who is clearly desperate to get out of a bad situation and is scared that she won't be able to support her children! Have some compassion! She doesn't need to be lectured that she NEEDS to get a job and that divorce is hard. Did you read her question? She understands that she needs a job, but without a specialized skill set her salary will likely be very low even full time. Then she will have to pay for child care. This cuts the salary in half. She is asking for suggestions about how to make such a situation work. I personally don't have an answer to this question, but I hear the problem. I don't think the answer is to yell at her that she's in for a hard life and she better work hard and just say no to her kids if they want to feel normal. Also, do we need stories from 2nd wives about how much they resent that their husband takes care of his kids from a previous marriage? Does a woman who is scared of poverty when getting divorced need to hear that some ex-husbands lavish their ex-wives with extras? I didn't get the feel from the OP's post that she can rely on money from husband or family. Please be compassionate people. I read this thread and I felt so bad for the predicament of this woman. Then I read many of the replies and they were so harsh! It really turned my stomach. Anyway, OP, I don't have an answer for you, but I hope you can find a solution that allows you to support yourself and your children with dignity. |
The 2nd wives from this thread don’t understand that they showed up 2nd.
Ladies, if you are considering getting married to a guy who has an ex-wife/kids: think twice. There was someone there before you. If this bothers u, look for a single guy.
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amother
Pearl
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Wed, Sep 16 2020, 6:27 pm
| amother [ Purple ] wrote: | The 2nd wives from this thread don’t understand that they showed up 2nd.
Ladies, if you are considering getting married to a guy who has an ex-wife/kids: think twice. There was someone there before you. If this bothers u, look for a single guy. |
Just because he wasn’t good for one doesn’t mean he’s not good for someone else. Of course he will put his current wife first.
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amother
Lavender
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Wed, Sep 16 2020, 6:29 pm
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amother
Purple
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Wed, Sep 16 2020, 6:37 pm
| amother [ Pearl ] wrote: | | Just because he wasn’t good for one doesn’t mean he’s not good for someone else. Of course he will put his current wife first. |
U did not understand my post. Obviously one woman’s ex might be a great guy for another woman. I’m not talking about that
If your husband is a decent guy who cares for his children/wife from his first marriage, you simply showed up after. Make peace with it. U r listening to HIS side of the story.
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amother
Orchid
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Thu, Sep 17 2020, 10:57 am
| amother [ Purple ] wrote: | U did not understand my post. Obviously one woman’s ex might be a great guy for another woman. I’m not talking about that
If your husband is a decent guy who cares for his children/wife from his first marriage, you simply showed up after. Make peace with it. U r listening to HIS side of the story. |
Agreed. A decent man will not just drop his previous family (kids especially) cold turkey. And yes, sometimes he might need to go the extra mile (pay for seminary) to make up for being out of their lives. The new wives need to realize that this is a package deal when they marry a man with children of a previous marriage. He is a father to them.
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amother
Taupe
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Thu, Sep 17 2020, 11:32 am
| amother [ Pearl ] wrote: | | Just because he wasn’t good for one doesn’t mean he’s not good for someone else. Of course he will put his current wife first. |
But what about the children from his first marriage? You don’t divorce children.
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amother
Pearl
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Thu, Sep 17 2020, 12:15 pm
| amother [ Taupe ] wrote: | | But what about the children from his first marriage? You don’t divorce children. |
Of course not!
Which is why child support was set into place along with quality time spent together.
My husband has a very close relationship with all of his children from his first marriage. When we were dating I was able to see that he is a good father. (A plus in dating a man with children)
His relationship with his ex wife is non existent.
No, you never divorce your children but certainly when a divorce is final you are no longer in a relationship and there’s no need to please the divorced ex spouse.
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watergirl
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Thu, Sep 17 2020, 12:16 pm
| amother [ Purple ] wrote: | The 2nd wives from this thread don’t understand that they showed up 2nd.
Ladies, if you are considering getting married to a guy who has an ex-wife/kids: think twice. There was someone there before you. If this bothers u, look for a single guy. | the second wives on this thread are all also exwives who DO understand. Believe it or not. Some first wives are actually not nice people who extort their exs. Trust me here. When the exwife says something like, send more money for XYZ and if you do not, I will make sure everyone in town and your kids know you will not send money to support your kids"... that is not ok. And it IS ok for a second wife to be mad about it. And it came up on this thread for a reason (I cant remember why to be honest, I left this thread).
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amother
OP
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Sun, Sep 20 2020, 9:25 pm
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What organizations or specific people can help someone figure out what career makes sense for them to do further training/education or pursue based on aptitude, life circumstances, etc. Being that everything can be done on zoom now not really limited so much by location. Need someone really good that is not super or expensive or if they are expensive can zero in in much less time than your average person. Or a community organization that does it as a chesed. I haven't found success with that yet though. This would be very helpful if someone can give me first hand recommendation.
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Just One
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Sun, Sep 20 2020, 11:20 pm
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People are very happy with Shaina Keren as a career coach. She's not cheap though $500 first session. That includes a thorough aptitude test and session where she will very practically set you on the right path. I haven't find anyone decent for cheaper and have heard great reviews
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amother
OP
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Mon, Sep 21 2020, 12:51 am
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What are some of the most important questions a person should be able to answer before going to a career coach as I feel when I have tried something of the sort in the past I don't know myself/not as in touch with myself as need to be in order to maximize the session.
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mirror
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Mon, Sep 21 2020, 1:10 am
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I've seen GoFundMe pages for divorced women.
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amother
OP
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Mon, Sep 21 2020, 1:29 am
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Yes, but those are really hard to put out there when trying to maintain privacy. And usually you have to have some extenuating circumstance and be accountable for working full time
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Just One
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Mon, Sep 21 2020, 1:55 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | What are some of the most important questions a person should be able to answer before going to a career coach as I feel when I have tried something of the sort in the past I don't know myself/not as in touch with myself as need to be in order to maximize the session. |
There's her job. Just go as you are
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amother
Powderblue
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Mon, Sep 21 2020, 3:17 am
How did I survive?
It was a priority for my holocaust survivor parents to see all their children, both sons and daughters, educated in a field that paid.
When I got divorced I was b"h fine despite my ex not paying the ordered child support until decades later.
But I worked 9-5, was out of the house 8-6 and I was always nervous about being the sole person on whom my kids depended.
And I was happy.
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amother
Scarlet
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Mon, Sep 21 2020, 5:19 am
Op you hit the nail on the head with your last post. Yes it is very challenging to get divorced and to be divorced. The reasons you cite are the reasons people typically really should not do it unless absolutely necessary like abuse, adultery, addiction. Someone can but it is very challenging to stay the course and not regret it unless one KNOWS there was no choice but to escape and rebuild.
Hope things get better for you fast in 5781!
Hugs and hatzlocha!
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amother
Brown
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Mon, Sep 21 2020, 9:08 am
Divorced woman here to I can tell you about my experiences....
I got an admin job (I"m in the US) for a non-Jewish employer. Yes, that meant long hours no yomtovim off etc..... I have to use my vacation time for all that including Friday afternoons.
The pay isn't great but it kept us afloat and they give benefits which is crucial. It's freaking HARD!!!! I won't sugar coat it. Never enough money, ex doesn't pay a penny, no family support financially or otherwise since they are overseas. My kids were in daycare first, then school and an Afterschool sitter, paying for all of this left me with nothing to spare at the end of the month trust me. Never mind yeshiva tuition once that came up......
In college online currently......
it's hard and some days I felt so so tired. But it beats being in a bad marriage.
HUGS
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